BBJ, I do the same thing with my XH. The kids SOOOOOOO much want him in their lives and I bend to that. I do think that there is something interesting about divorce. The kids are expected to be "grown ups" about it, and in some ways the adults get to act like kids. I think this is especially true when a new relationship enters the picture, and we explain it to the kids (my kids have had to totally "get on board" with my XH's GF. He has been so irresponsible-- he introduced her to them on the FIRST day of school, and she slept over at his house. And the kids had to carry all of their feelings about it and be cordial to her? They were the grown ups, their dad was the child.). Anyway, the hard part is I feel so much better about myself when I have "0" contact with him, but the kids feel so much better when they can share important things with BOTH of us. And I think the kids should have something of a voice. Mine wanted their dad to come over on Halloween. I let him do that, and it made a big difference to them. So, I can be the grown up sometimes. You have to do a real internal emotional job when that happens not to let it be a bonding experience between you and XH. It is a bonding experience between the KIDS and XH and you need to encourage it, but you have to try and be all business internally and keep him from taking up too much space inside your head/heart. My friend told me that ANY interaction with him should include one of the kid's names. If its not about the kids, then it doesn't get into the conversation. That seems to be working. It has stopped the text messaging (I was getting stuff like that too) and seems to keep him smaller in my life. But it seems to make room for the kids to share things sometimes with both of us. If its not about the kids, don't reply. If its not about the kids, don't initiate. Sooner or later he will get the idea.
