Wow, 25 I love your posts and teachings. I can relate. You give good advice. I am checking into retrovaille. Thank you!
Sorry IB to hear it has progressed to the big D. I don't know what that would be like to be served papers. I do know that you will eventually get to a place of peace.
The best advice I can give you, is the faster you can get to a place of unstuck the better this will all be. I know that I personally spent way to much time analyzing thinking what about this and that being angry, sad, resentful, depressed. Way to much time was consumed with above.
25 is right though about saying as little as possible to others. Makes it easier if/when a reconciliation occurs. Also, 25 is so right on you don't really know what an MLC'er is thinking and feeling.
Now that my h is home, I know that he was consumed with severe severe depression and a total confusion. I know there wasn't a day that didn't go by where he didn't think of me and the kids. He was just too stuck in depression and confusion to do anything about it.
Just stopping in to see how your doing. Hang in there! You will be fine regardless and that is the picture you want to portray to others.
Hugs!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Thanks all - I am working on the getting to peace place. I have been thinking today about things I won't miss...
*Worrying about whether or not H was happy *Worrying about whether or not H was angry *Worrying about whether or not H alienated himself from others *Worrying about whether or not H was p*ssed at S *Worrying about H being impulsive *Worrying about making H happy *Worrying about being attractive or not attractive enough for H
Lots of worrying - it's funny that I'm not worried at all about being alone or being able to take care of myself and my S.
Good start:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
There are a lot of couples that get back together after d. You should go to rejoicemarriageministries. com. there are many inspiring stories of couples that got back together after d under "restored marriages". I think your h will wake up before d occurs, don't loose faith.
You should order some of charlyne's tapes they are inexpensive and give you so much faith in restoration. She is such a woman of faith its very inspiring.
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I check in on your thread when I have time. You have been getting great counsel!
I am VERY sorry that you were served papers. That is a very difficult time. It is VERY difficult to smile and 'act as if' when your heart is breaking. Jody always said that working with H/XH during these negotiations instead of fighting him, supercharges the 180s. I knew it would cost a lot more money to contest the D and that I would most certainly drive H away for good if I did this. I am the only person I know personally ( , not talking about the blog) who has managed to maintain a friendly R with XH after a D. We would not be where we are now if I hadn't led the way through that stage. Jody and the DB blog were a Godsend for me.
I also have friendly relationships with X's. We may have had our moments in our younger years, but right now, my ex-husbands thinks my H is a dipsh@t. I have remained tight with both them and with their families. It can be done. It HAS to be done if there are younger kids involved. I had a very young ( high school) marriage that didn't work out ( Imagine ) and a later marriage of 5 years to an alcoholic work-aholic. Both are still my friends. I can call them at a moment's notice. This may be where you and your H land . . . .BUT, it ain't over til it's over.
You are trying to project yourself into a future where H comes back, even after a D. It happens, but I think you are getting ahead of yourself. You've read these other threads. Sometimes these things get postponed forever for one reason or another. A lot can happen between now and then.
And, the fact is, while I love my two ex's in their own way, would help them in any way I could as they would me, I wouldn't have the marriages back for anything.
I know having papers served is a terrible blow. Guess what? The Deputy Sherriff that delivered my papers is coming into the office today for an eye exam. I have to pre-test him. Feeling a bit embarrassed, but then, I promise I'll never show it.
I am working up the courage to reach out to H and just ask "what are you seeking in terms of visitation/support - what do you consider fair/equitable distribution of assets"
I am not seeking to contest the D. By not signing - the divorce goes through by default - so there is no "stopper" there. There are no material things here worth much of anything - we were young when we got married and everything we have shows its age:) I've already told H he can arrange a time to come and pick up anything he wants here.
What's most important to me is being able to see this through and keeping a shred of my value system in place - my H has a sexual addiction that has impaired his thinking and judgment. Caused by MLC/depression? - Maybe / doesn't matter. If he ever decides to get help - I believe that he knows I will be there for him - I've said as much early on in this drama.
25 has been a big help - as well as Brooklyn, Eric - everyone. I have to learn to take these "blows" and not react to them for 24 hours. I typically see things better the next day. I'm sorry for the "catastrophic thinking" I project in my knee-jerk reactions. I am stronger than that! I'm getting better at seeing it from 10,000 ft instead of up close.
Thanks for your help and patience. Don't know what I would do without this site!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
, not talking about the blog) who has managed to maintain a friendly R with XH after a D. We would not be where we are now if I hadn't led the way through that stage. Jody and the DB blog were a Godsend for me.