Mila, yes XH is still in Replay but at times I've thought he might be peeking out of the tunnel. Not going to hold my breath.
Originally Posted By: missherlove
It seems counter intuitive, BE HIS FRIEND.....for real. A real friend would ask him why the woman he is dating is not the one for him.......No one sits around and goes on and on to someone of the opposite sex about how great thier mate is, if that were the case they would not be with you.....THEY WOULD BE WITH THIER MATE. DUH.
MHL, big push back today from XH. I hadn't heard from him since last TT game (last thursday). That's pretty unusual. If I can read between the lines, today I found out that he is angry with me.........Anger is a passionate emotion. I'll take that. H/XH never showed anger, always stuffed it, so this is a good sign.
Anyway, I sent XH my weekly update about my monday night TT league and asked if he was still game for playing TT tomorrow night. He replied:
"I would be up for that with a caveat; the boundary I would like to set is no discussion of my past, present or future relationships. I didn't appreciate some of your conjecturing on my future marital possibilities. Make sense?"
There was a little jokieness before and after to lighten the tone.
........So.......... I thought this was interesting because I KNOW I didn't mention M at all. I journaled the convo reported on page 9 of this thread (10/29/10, paragraph 5) right after I got home. Pretty sure I only said 3-4 sentences on the topic of GF#2.........This makes me think that XH is really angry about (1) my question about keeping secrets from women he's in R with, (2) my comment that he's really good at starting Rs but not good at what comes after that,.........or (3) that GF#2 has been bugging him again about M........or some combination of the 3.
I replied: "Your boundary shouldn’t be a problem. I’m honestly not sure what you’re referring to when you used the phrase “conjecturing on (your) future M possibilities”. To my recollection, the M word didn’t come up at all. Don’t worry, be happy. See you at 6pm then!"
I suppose it was bad DB to disagree with his memory...and then "don't worry, be happy".....I meant it to be funny but after reading it again it sounds a bit dismissive.
Anyway, it sounds as though the R, such as it is, survived that little storm. I actually think it's great that he's angry. Maybe he'll yell at me tomorrow. I'd like to see some passion from that guy..........Time to go get that flirting book.
General question: if a man is angry at a woman, are there any no-no's where flirting is concerned?
GAG, wasn't it H that actually mentioned the M word about breaking up because GF wanted to get married? Then he gave you the other information, in response to your questions.
I'm wondering if XH has responded to your questions and then later on reflected on your conversation. He may be thinking that he gave you too much information and an insight into his real feelings. He may not even be sure of his feelings and some of your questions about keeping secrets may have made him feel uncomfortable. If he sets this boundary he can still enjoy your company without concern that he'll reveal too much of himself or have some uncomfortable internal conversations. Hope this makes sense......
Yes, 6 weeks ago XH told me that he broke up with GF#2because she wanted to get M.
Last week he offered to get GF#2's fingerprints for me again. I asked how he would do that. He said he would be seeing her. I asked "Are you seeing her again?". He confirmed......the rest is the convo described above.
So XH actually brought up GF as the person who probably sent the anonymous package. He keeps wanting to throw her under the bus. He doesn't want to think BMF might have sent it.
I think XH was upset because he saw his reflection in the mirror for a moment and didn't like the way it made him feel.
..........BTW, I did my homework tonight. Bought a book titled "Superflirt". Cramming for TT tomorrow.
I replied: "Your boundary shouldn’t be a problem. I’m honestly not sure what you’re referring to when you used the phrase “conjecturing on (your) future M possibilities”. To my recollection, the M word didn’t come up at all. Don’t worry, be happy. See you at 6pm then!"
I suppose it was bad DB to disagree with his memory...and then "don't worry, be happy".....I meant it to be funny but after reading it again it sounds a bit dismissive.
Okay, I think you got this but just in case you didn't....don't contradict what he just said about something you are doing that he doesn't like.
Actually, I am rather proud of him for sharing with you his feelings. I wonder if he read "No more Mr. Nice Guy"???
This is good that he is communicating with you openly, not sure if he is angry just doesn't care for the analysis of his R skills, who would??? He is continuing to see you by playing tonight and it is a good bet that he is not telling GF#2.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
General question: if a man is angry at a woman, are there any no-no's where flirting is concerned?
Pointers about tonight,
Don't try to guess what he is feeling ie. do not mention the word anger nor apologize for making him feel one way or the other.
Don't mention the book thing anymore, unless he brings it up. Really at this point there is someone in his life that is suspect, finding that piece of info out is not going to make him run back to you.
Have fun with him, forget about everything else.
What are his Love Languages, are you speaking and/or doing the things he would respond to the most?
As far as No-No's on flirting.....well we are guys, pretty simple creatures. Girls flirting with us = good every time.
Good Luck Tonight.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Thanks MUCH for the last minute coaching for tonight's get together! (Seriously. It REALLY helped.)
Played TT with XH tonight and we both had a good time. I think that we recovered from last week's convo nicely. When XH arrived he was ready to have fun and I was cheery and inviting to him. No mention of last week's convo until we went to our cars after the game (more about that in a minute).
I tried to flirt with XH and I think I did OK. He was laughing a lot. I brought props: a desk top TT game with tiny little paddles (XH enjoys novelty and kitchy things). I challenged XH to play me with the tiny little paddle and he did (he actually hit the ball a few times. ) In the past he wouldn't let me put balls into his pockets, so this time I tucked the tiny paddle inside his shirt for 'good luck' and after he won his 5th game I spanked him on his butt with my paddle. He didn't object or get uptight. Lots of winking and eye rolling, smiling and laughing.
Asked him questions about the important things in his life right now. Hit the high points.
On the way out, we talked about reserving the court for next week. I told him I couldn't do Wednesday and asked if Thursday would work for him. He said that it should work .........so it's interesting that he seems to value our TT get togethers enough that he's willing to schedule around them.
When we walked out to our cars after playing I told him that I really appreciated that he had told me about his boundary. I said that "communication is good". He nodded in agreement and reached out to hug me. We hugged tightly for a few seconds.
So............XH seems to be invested in maintaining our R and also showed signs this evening of being willing to flirt back with me a bit (pretty sure he was flirting with me a bit ).
That interaction sounds positive GAG. Like my H, it seems that these days an issue is simply an issue and is dealt with quickly and without too much complication rather than a MAJOR setback.
Obviously H is comfortable enough with the TT arrangement or changing nights would provide the perfect 'out' for him.
This is great news!! Go ahead spike the football in the endzone and do a little dance, but keep it short as you don't want to get penalized and you are certainly not done with the game.
Moving forward, you need to view XH as a "guy" you are wanting to go out with......that is it. I know how much you love him and that is what makes it hard.....gotta keep that heart of yours in check....use your head from here on out.
No more pressure on him with talk of how he used to be, or his R with you, his BMF, or his current GF......unless he brings it up and then you are only listening. You can mildly "grunt" every now and then to let him know you are listening. LOL (grunting is manspeak BTW).
Seriously, how would you act and what would you say to a guy that you had been on a couple of dates with????
Keep up the flirting, it doesn't take much, subtle is better. And if things move to get real physical (advanced ping pong lessons) then let it happen. No worries about the GF who is on the way out. Your XH wants a R with no pressure right now and she has probably already started pressuring again. You need to be the non-pressure option.
Here is the real hard part moving forward......Time and Patience.
Don't be surprised if things do not necessarily progress further next week. He may be testing the waters with you, who knows??? He does seem to be able to switch the days you guys play TT fairly easily which is good but do not read anything into it.
Just keep on doing what you are doing, and above all else do not focus on this too much........tell us what GAG is doing for herself too!!!
Oh, BTW......Happy Little Friday!!!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I said that "communication is good". He nodded in agreement and reached out to hug me. We hugged tightly for a few seconds.
So............XH seems to be invested in maintaining our R and also showed signs this evening of being willing to flirt back with me a bit (pretty sure he was flirting with me a bit confused).
Excellent
Quote:
you need to view XH as a "guy" you are wanting to go out with
Agree with MHL...I know that you have history and that you know him much more then any guy that you would go on a couple of dates with.....I like MHL thinking to look at him as you would at a stranger that you are interested in....maybe it would give you a fresh perspective.... Trying to remember what was it like to date LOL....mysterious, little flirty, not too available LOL....you know
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
) In the past he wouldn't let me put balls into his pockets, so this time I tucked the tiny paddle inside his shirt for 'good luck' and after he won his 5th game I spanked him on his butt with my paddle. He didn't object or get uptight. Lots of winking and eye rolling, smiling and laughing. 
).