See now, I don't think I could let that go. I'd likely respond with "You cheated on me and I've ruined your ability to trust women? Are you serious? Do not contact me again about anything other than the children."...
Ditto the above - bust his fantasy world and then keep it to kid business only. Honestly it is unbelievable the amount of guilt trip he tries to put you on and his obvious self-denial in his immense contribution to the demise of your marriage. You don't deserve messages like that BBJ.
<<Honestly it is unbelievable the amount of guilt trip he tries to put you on and his obvious self-denial in his immense contribution to the demise of your marriage.>>
I do not mean to pile on here...really i don't.... Why anyone would want to have anything to do with soemone who writes his ex wife a text like that (out of the blue)..... THAT IS WHAT IS UNBELIVABLE TO ME!!!! and no that is not a typo...
BBJ could you imagine sending him a similar tex???(you probably have more right to do so than he does). Nooooo, why? Because you are not broken as our buddy WOOG used to say. Dan is broken beyond belief...who the hell writes this stuff??? It would barely be pallatable if you had wronged him 50 times like he did you.....
I understand with your history together and the fact that you live in a small town how difficult it can be to detach (only real boyfriend etc).....but at the risk of repeating myself you can and will do better....
John I never thought about it but I am sure that is probably a big part of why I want to hang out with someone (I miss the affection/banter/partnership) but I don't want a serious relationship. I have heard a song "Half of My Heart" and I don't know exactly what it is about, but I do believe that I have only got half of my heart to give anyone else bc Dan has the other half.
I don't know how to turn the switch to 'off', how to stop loving him and caring about him. However I vacillate so often because I am a smart enough woman to know that I shouldn’t still love him like I do…
I could go on and on, it never stops. The back-and-forth in my head. ... accepting that the R is gone and will never come back, there is a voice in my head that screams “NO!!!” and it’s like I am fighting with myself…I know, it sounds dumb.
Gosh, I can relate to all of that BBJ. When you wish you didn't love someone like how you do. Annoying.
I will echo the other posters here --cut your time down with Dan as much as possible. Only involve co-parenting with him. You will absolutely not be able to detach if you are in constant communication with him.
That part about him telling you that you have made him lose his faith in women is BS. I think that's his conscience coming out. He's trying to justify what he did and doing this sort of reverse psychology on you so that his decision feels better to him. Maybe he says that because you finally let go (agreeing to D) and he thought you'd always be there, taking whatever he threw at you, including carrying on with OW. It's backwards as hell.
Originally Posted By: ImprovedRomeo
Obviously, the women he's with are the trustworthy kind. But he's such an emotional abuser like most of them, it's always someone else's fault no matter what.
As for being done and moving on...it'll happen with time and in a gradual progression. I don't think anyone could wake up one morning and go 'ok I'm done as of today, let's go hunting for my next long term R'.
Seriously BBJ? WTF prompted Dan to send that? Had you been communicating about something else and he threw that in for his bass ackward thought of the evening or did that just show up out of left field with no reasoning attached?
No reasoning? THEN TELL HIM TO NEVER CONTACT YOU REGARDING ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE KIDS IMMEDIATE NEEDS OR YOU WILL BE FORCED TO USE HIS EMOTIONAL ABUSE AS GROUNDS FOR MORE CUSTODY. PERIOD.
This man is a SICK SICK SICK SICK!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mishka, it showed up just out of the blue, 4:15 this afternoon...and he is in Toronto for heaven's sake! I can only assume something came up with Chippy and he is blaming the situation on me somehow. Funny since they are 'just friends' now. (insert eye roll)
The thing that just throws me is his ping-ponging behavior. One day, asking if I want him to bring over pizza and carve pumpkins together. Then a couple days later, surprising me by making roasted pumpkin seeds for me...and then the sudden reversal to blaming me for his mistrust of women.
It's weird bc he has mentioned many times how he doesn't like women, he doesn't trust women, women are manipulative, etc but he said it just like that, in the general sense. This is the first time he decided to say it was because of ME...and yeah he is the one who cheated and lied repeatedly so it is almost FUNNY that I would be the reason for a lack of trust???
He texted me a bit later that "the crap I gave up for you makes me sick"...again totally opposite of reality???
Ugh. So be it. He is going to have to stew in his own juices...
On an unrelated note, I had a blast at Zumba tonight. Lots of fun!!!
"the crap I gave up for you makes me sick"...again totally opposite of reality???
I hear Midol™ is supposed to help with menstrual cramps.
TH, that was fabulous!
Ok this crap is even affecting me in my sleep. Just had a dream that we went on vacation with the kids together (separate rooms though) and he tried to have sex w/me on the trip. Only, he got naked and I could see he had...genital warts. WTF???
What kind of crazy ass dream is that??? I pointed it out to him and told him it was nice to see Chippy was sharing her diseases with him, and he pouted that I 'killed the mood'. Yep, sounds about right...
You know what, Dan? It's NOT okay. I smile and wave and try to be patient and understanding, but enough is enough. I am not your personal whipping boy to be lashed out at whenever you are having a bad day. I am the mother of your children and I am the one who actually WAS faithful and reliable throughout our marriage, so spare me the "thanks to you I can't trust women" garbage. Perhaps you should stop hanging out with women who A) Were willing to cheat on their husbands with you and/or B) Put out for the highest bidder
Bottom line, I deserve to be treated with love and respect, period. So unless/until you can speak to me in that way, do not speak to me at all.
BBJ, I do the same thing with my XH. The kids SOOOOOOO much want him in their lives and I bend to that. I do think that there is something interesting about divorce. The kids are expected to be "grown ups" about it, and in some ways the adults get to act like kids. I think this is especially true when a new relationship enters the picture, and we explain it to the kids (my kids have had to totally "get on board" with my XH's GF. He has been so irresponsible-- he introduced her to them on the FIRST day of school, and she slept over at his house. And the kids had to carry all of their feelings about it and be cordial to her? They were the grown ups, their dad was the child.). Anyway, the hard part is I feel so much better about myself when I have "0" contact with him, but the kids feel so much better when they can share important things with BOTH of us. And I think the kids should have something of a voice. Mine wanted their dad to come over on Halloween. I let him do that, and it made a big difference to them. So, I can be the grown up sometimes. You have to do a real internal emotional job when that happens not to let it be a bonding experience between you and XH. It is a bonding experience between the KIDS and XH and you need to encourage it, but you have to try and be all business internally and keep him from taking up too much space inside your head/heart. My friend told me that ANY interaction with him should include one of the kid's names. If its not about the kids, then it doesn't get into the conversation. That seems to be working. It has stopped the text messaging (I was getting stuff like that too) and seems to keep him smaller in my life. But it seems to make room for the kids to share things sometimes with both of us. If its not about the kids, don't reply. If its not about the kids, don't initiate. Sooner or later he will get the idea.
