I can't do this alone

[Dagny-2]

How does everyone get so smart around here? Thanks for stopping by!
Mishka, I like how each fear is addressed to show that it can be overcome, might not be easy, but it isn’t impossible, I just need to be open to it.
Dan F, I probably do need to switch over to the D thread, not quite ready to make that leap, it is one more hurdle to jump, one more reality to face.
Jstar, wow, you have had a lot thrown at you and sounds so strong. I’ve been thinking about goals these past few days, I need to set some, aim at nothing, hit nothing.
Kell – some days I don’t care about the lying and other days I just can’t believe that after 22 years he can so easily take to lying. I know we can do it, it just sucks! Whine, whine, whine! I want to go back to when life was easy, but I know we need to move forward and some day we will be the better for it. Right?
The last few weeks continue to have new challenges to face. My H in his wisdom drove 12 hours with his mistress to a Penn State game to sit in our season ticket seats. Of course, with 100,000 people there he manages to run into the one person (Fred) from our old town who hates him. I learn about this 2 weeks after the event as Fred is going around telling the community that H is cheating on his wife, he is a hypocrite who acts like a boy scout leader and is doing this to his family, etc. etc. This gets to the middle school and now all the scouts are talking about what scum H is. To this point the kids know nothing about the mistress. S14 starts getting texts and emails asking what is up. My C takes my call and she says that H needs to tell the kids (kids are with H, I’m out of town this week). So H tells the kids that he took a friend up to Penn State to show her around. I asked if H told them, he said yes and they aren’t upset. I talk to the kids and find out that a month prior to this H introduced them to her at a bowling event. I had been suspicious of the bowling outing as S11 told me they ran into someone at work and H paid for everyone. But H lied to the kids and said the 25-30 year old son was the one who worked for him and that through me off. So now I know that he lied to me and introduced her to the kids (he said it was just an innocuous meeting and I should get over it). The kids described her as 50-60 years old, skinny, has tattoos, smokes, is an alcoholic and stupid (these are their words!). So, I don’t think she made the best impression.

So back to the other story, the next day I ask H via email if he told the boys that she was his girlfriend, he said no, you didn’t tell me to do that and if I would talk to him (I was avoiding his phone calls because I was beyond furious) and stop hiding behind emails there wouldn’t be these kinds of misunderstanding. I called him on that one, that he purposely misunderstood, and he said fine, he would tell them that day. The boys then flew up to me and I did my best to not pump them for any information, but through conversation it sure didn’t sound like they knew anything about a girlfriend. Next morning I texted H, did you tell them (the boys were leaving that day for a scout trip where they would be with all these kids who have been talking about H and his girlfriend). H sends some snippy texts and we have a back and forth where he finally texts that Yes, I told them I was seeing her and she is my girlfriend. Tell them what you want. Independently I showed the boys the text. S11 bursts into tears, and said dad didn’t tell me that. I showed S14 and he said dad left out the girlfriend part when he told us. So once again H weasels out of dealing with the hard issues.

The boys saw our C that week and afterwards texted H: We never want to see your girlfriend again. H called me later, very upset, wanted to know the day’s event and what prompted that text. The boys and C talked about the boys do have “rights” in this whole process. H said something along the lines that it will then limit the time he can spend with the kids if they are unwilling to see her. This is after last month he agreed to what the C said of not introducing the boys to her for one year. (Though I now know that was a lie as he had already had them spend an evening together).

As soon as I heard about the Fred incident, I sent H an email asking if it was true that he saw Fred at the PSU game. He sends back, no was he there? Fred is telling the story that H and mistress saw him and ran away and it was really funny. Fred isn’t the most trustworthy source to begin with, so I had struggled with who to believe. H is getting mad at me because I’m not believing him, he even told me, “I asked her, did we run away from anyone, and she said no.” So there, I have the final word! The mistress confirms it! I know Fred saw them and really what Fred is saying about being a hypocrite is true, but then I did find out H told a mutual friend that they did see Fred and just ignored him (so no running), but once again H lied to me. I guess what I’m struggling with, all the lies that are coming out of H’s mouth, everything is so suspect, how do I believe anything?

I’ve been thinking a lot about goals, I’ve been in this hermit phase where not too much other than my job is getting accomplished and we are keeping the fast food businesses flush. The goals are very short term, get me through until the end of the month, but it is a start.

So goals:
Exercise 30 minutes every day.
Cook dinner 1 night a week to eat as a family
Spend 30 minutes each day packing
Finalize move details: moving company, schools, CCD
Finalize vacation plans: hotel, car, tickets, air