Happy birthday to me it was! I DBed like a pro, kept my expectations very low, but acted “as if” everything were going great. And here is the kicker… it was great. It was in all seriousness, the most thoughtful birthday H has ever planned for me in the 14 years we have been together.
Here is the rundown from last night… H was acting a little tense and uncertain when I got there, but I kept acting like everything was fine. H started to relax after a bit.
The gifts were not expensive, but really thoughtful. H had helped D3 make me a special drawing and a card. He got me fancy chocolate, socks (H knew I needed some warm dress socks), and framed a picture for my desk at work of D3 with some art she had done.
There was a beautiful homemade cake that H & D3 had made. H doesn’t really even like making or eating cake. It had chocolate icing and raspberries on top, all decked out with candles that spelled out happy birthday. He even dug out my mom’s antique cake stand for it.
We all went out for sushi. We had fun eating and talking about H’s new restaurant that will be opening soon. We picked up a movie to watch together on the way home. D3 was wiggly and fussy during the movie, but did ok. She ended up moving to the floor to play blocks.
Then… H had his arm behind me on the couch at one point… It felt like an invitation… I snuggled in… He smiled a little… I smiled back and laughed a bit. We didn’t stay that way, but we stayed close through the movie.
H got D3 ready for bed, but she wanted me to read her stories. She fell asleep pretty quickly. H waited while I put D3 down. In the past he would have headed out while I finish putting D3 to bed.
After D3 was in bed I went and sat with H for a bit. We talked about D3 schedule for tomorrow. I told him I had really enjoyed my birthday, thanked him and gave him a “friendly” kiss on the mouth, because it felt ok to do that. He smiled. I went to kiss him again, then just switched to a forehead kiss instead when he seemed to tense a bit.
He said he better go and get some sleep. Instead he reached out to me and asked “Is it ok, even if it doesn’t mean anything?” I told him “Yes, I really want to.” He seemed uncertain about how I would react, but he was the one that asked, I did not offer.
I’m gonna leave the next part out so I don’t get censored…
We had a lot of fun though. H wasn’t drunk, and that was a big reason I said ok. Best time since he lost his job and started to withdraw. He did seem to get nervous at one point though and told me “I hadn’t done this in a long time, and I thought maybe you hadn’t either.” I told him that I hadn’t and he seemed to relax after that.
He gave me a great big bear hug afterwards and we laughed a little. H and I talked for a bit before he left. Tone was light and friendly, mostly just chatting about D3. H said he was picking D3 up earlier that day, but asked if it was ok with me if he hangs out with the two of us for a bit on Saturday when he dropped D3 back off with me. I told him that sounded good. Saturday had originally been just a drop off, now it is a visit with “you two.” That was H’s initiative, BTW, not mine.
So here is what I think… H seemed hesitant, maybe even timid the whole night. It was kind of like… the protective walls were up, but he was reaching through anyway. Maybe this sounds weird, but I think H was leaning on me emotionally. Like he was looking to me for guidance? I was feeling really stable and detached from H’s drama, so maybe that was something he found attractive. Lord knows he has been spinning round in circles himself.
Due to his comment about it having been a “long time,” I am not so sure anymore that H has crossed the line to a PA. Still feel pretty strongly that there is or has been an EA, but not so sure anymore about a PA. An EA would still be a nasty mess, but I sure would like it if he hadn’t “done the deed.”
I think I need to continue to sit back and watch what H is doing. Keep my attitude warm and welcoming, but no invitations, requests to talk, or questions. I’m going to let him take the lead. I’ll keep up the self protection plan too though.
