And Mike, John, THIS is where I need help!!!! I am absolutely NOT emotionally divorced....
John I never thought about it but I am sure that is probably a big part of why I want to hang out with someone (I miss the affection/banter/partnership) but I don't want a serious relationship. I have heard a song "Half of My Heart" and I don't know exactly what it is about, but I do believe that I have only got half of my heart to give anyone else bc Dan has the other half.
I don't know how to turn the switch to 'off', how to stop loving him and caring about him. However I vacillate so often because I am a smart enough woman to know that I shouldn’t still love him like I do…
Sometimes I get so angry, I am just furious! He has lied, cheated, devalued, and disrespected me repeatedly. And sometimes I feel like I am just embarrassing myself by even being nice to him. What kind of pathetic person is so kind to someone who has walked all over them?
Then other times I think about how much my kids love it when we have family time. I know he doesn’t deserve it, but they do. It isn’t their fault that their dad left me, or that I was a doormat for so long that I didn’t help things much. So I really want to do things that make them happy. My IC said as long as I can handle the interactions, that it’s fine. I just think I was probably lying to myself about how well I handle things when we are together. If the kids go from doing things together to doing nothing together, I am not sure how much that will affect them. But being realistic if he wants to start playing happy family with Chippy (ow) down the road they will surely stop doing things with me, and I have to be prepared for that.
I could go on and on, it never stops. The back-and-forth in my head. It doesn’t matter how many relationship/healing books I read. Sometimes I read one and when it says, as most do, the part about completely disconnecting from the other person (Dan), accepting that the R is gone and will never come back, there is a voice in my head that screams “NO!!!” and it’s like I am fighting with myself…I know, it sounds dumb.
On one level I see all the crap that makes me so angry at him, and angry at me for settling for that and not demanding more a long time ago. On that level I cannot imagine ever getting back together and I don’t want to be anywhere near him. Yet another part of me misses the good times and the family times and wonders how I am supposed to be ‘okay’ with letting go of the possibility that it will ever be mine again…
