Having a hard time finding my thread. Site or computer issues - don't know.
Well, it finally took me this long to actually listen to the advice - detach, etc. etc. GAL, etc. etc. It took me finding out about OM to 'let go.' W tried to say that my suffocating, pursuing her after she left actually drove her to someone else. Whatever. Also said that she thought I brought someone around D3 (never happened) so she felt it ok. Which I'm the faithful one. Whatever.
I gave her a piece of my mind what I thought about the situation and the OM yesterday. As I left her I told her 'Good-Bye, I need to let you go don't want to see you again. It is too upsetting and painful for me.' I think this is the Last-Last Resort Technique. Read it after I said it.
After I left she text me a few times (saying sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, etc. etc. I just needed to take control again b/c I lost control, etc. etc. No one will replace you as D3's daddy and noone will replace as my husband, blah, blah, blah.) and also called me. I wouldn't answer, respond - nothing.
Got physically sick last night at the thought of everything. Who was it that posted I would be back posting? Yep, therapy.
Thought about starting a thread on the infidelity forum, but figured I'd stick to one thread. Still need the therapy.
Don't know that I could ever take W back if she ever changed her mind, but then I look at D3 and think I could. I don't hold out hope for anything b/c of OM.
Anybody have experience with reconciliation after infidelity?
I still refuse to have contact with W and that is a good thing. Although, bro-in-law's wife contacted me and so did sis-in-law. Both said they just found out and think W is wrong, but don't feel its their place to say anything. Big frickin deal.
You know, I've got great friends, great family, great home and career and absolutely wonderful D3. But everytime I look at D3 I can't help think about how different her future will be now and it tears me up inside. She is such a smart and caring little girl. She sees what is going on now and she cries a lot. It breaks my heart.
I'm not ready to move on or look for anyone else. Others may feel differently, but I'm not divorced yet and will still honor my vows. I owe that to my daughter.
Thought about starting a thread on the infidelity forum, but figured I'd stick to one thread. Still need the therapy.
Don't know that I could ever take W back if she ever changed her mind, but then I look at D3 and think I could. I don't hold out hope for anything b/c of OM.
Anybody have experience with reconciliation after infidelity?
I still refuse to have contact with W and that is a good thing. Although, bro-in-law's wife contacted me and so did sis-in-law. Both said they just found out and think W is wrong, but don't feel its their place to say anything. Big frickin deal.
You know, I've got great friends, great family, great home and career and absolutely wonderful D3. But everytime I look at D3 I can't help think about how different her future will be now and it tears me up inside. She is such a smart and caring little girl. She sees what is going on now and she cries a lot. It breaks my heart.
I'm not ready to move on or look for anyone else. Others may feel differently, but I'm not divorced yet and will still honor my vows. I owe that to my daughter.
You know, I think the same way, I look at my boys and I know I would attemp reconsiliation. The kids don't deserve this, I believe anything can be worked out, and all options need exhausted when kids this age are involved.
I am right there with you honoring your vows also, my kids need one stable parent, and that'll be me.
I copied these posts from here about that, and look at them often......
people with high integrity don't cheat, and they don't start dating until the divorce is final.
I am talking about your vows.
What do they mean to you? What does YOUR commitment mean?
Did you say on your wedding day:
"I will love and honor you all the days of my life...
Unless you get scared and lose your way.
Then I won't"
M-38 W-37 T-16,M-11 (Oct 30,1999) S-5 S-2 Wife left 7/4/2010
"When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?" — Henry Rollins
She also said she is angry with me that I didn't change sooner. She said that when she found out I had done certain things to change she got so mad b/c she had been asking for the longest time to change and now its too late. Why too late? B/c you left too soon? Because now your not honoring your vows and you feel guilty?
KEM, I think that is a common thing for a WAW to say. If she felt like she was always the one working at the R in order to have a good M while you were not, then after she is "done" and feels that there is no hope in things ever changing and she leaves the M......THEN you decide to change! Of course she's mad!
It takes a lot for most women to reach the point of giving up on the man she fell in love with. She wonders why you could not have made these changes when it meant the world to her and while she was working so hard at the R. Of course she's mad!
She's thinking that it took "this" to finally get your eyes open and care enough. Of course she mad!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I would also say that it's a way of deflecting blame back onto you. "Why didn't YOU listen" "Why didn't YOU change?"
You probably had issues about her but was willing to accept them as how she was. Sometimes the WAS makes it seem as if they were perfect and you were the ones with the issues.
There are also times when maybe they did tell you but they didn't communicate it correctly. There were things my W told me bothered her, but of course she didn't tell me about them until after she wanted a D.
They don't like to take responsibility.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I would also say that it's a way of deflecting blame back onto you. "Why didn't YOU listen" "Why didn't YOU change?"
You probably had issues about her but was willing to accept them as how she was. Sometimes the WAS makes it seem as if they were perfect and you were the ones with the issues.
There are also times when maybe they did tell you but they didn't communicate it correctly. There were things my W told me bothered her, but of course she didn't tell me about them until after she wanted a D.
They don't like to take responsibility.
That is the truth, according to my wife, every issue from our marriage, the Sunday paper was wet, and the global warming were issues with me. She had done everything right our whole marriage.
I am the entire reason she needed a new boyfriend, nothing to do with.
M-38 W-37 T-16,M-11 (Oct 30,1999) S-5 S-2 Wife left 7/4/2010
"When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?" — Henry Rollins
W's other sis called me to complain to me that I needed to let go of W sooner and that I wasn't the perfect husband. I know I wasn't, but damnit I was changing for that past year and changed even more after W left.
Her sis also said that W had been confiding in her family for about two years, and they encouraged her to stick it out. But W wasn't saying anything to me. W told me the other day that I should've been able to know. I'm not a mindreader. Sis-n-law told me she believes OM is way of showing me W is in control and that we are over. Doesn't make it right.
Lil - Glad global warming is your fault and not mine, they can't pin that one on me. LOL.
Any newbies out there reading this - DO NOT MAKE MY MISTAKE. Shortly after W left, and before OM, there was still a chance for W and I to reconcile - but I did not follow DB. I did it half heartedly. I still pursued, chased, was needy, etc. It only pushes them away. I honestly believe that if I would've given her the space she asked for on her terms and I GAL, she would've been more open to reconciling in the beginning. When I look back at my journal it is obvious - I did not listen to the advice I was given and lost my chance. If there is already OM by the time you get to this forum, it is extremely difficult if not impossible to reconcile. GAL and move on!
There was no OM at first for my W and I lost my chance. Don't make my mistake.
