My Situation - any thoughts or ideas - Part 2

[XYZ]

Link to part 1:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2086167&page=1


Ok, a couple of questions. First, I get not initiating contact with W (except for kid related item). That part is easy. But if she initiates contact with me, where is the line between detaching and not responding and being there if she's taking baby steps? In other words, if I have no contact how to I detect and then respond (appropriately) to baby steps?

Second, since I moved out, W is so very angry. She's up and down. Sometimes nice and sometimes venomous. I've been reading the thread about anger and get that anger is better than detached, but any other thoughts? It's bizarre, she was never like that "in real life".

[XYZ]

Also, so W TM me this morning asking if I could come get kids ready for school and take them (not my morning to do that). They weren't cooperating (hey, they are 5 and 2) and W was late. Since it was the kids, I gladly did it for her, but part of me is thinking "hey this is real life lady, deal with you own problems."

What's done is done, but in future what's the best reply with this type of item? Now keep in mind, one of my "issues" was that I put work ahead of family, so it's a 180 for me not worry about getting to the office and go take the kids to school.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Since it was the kids, I gladly did it for her, but part of me is thinking "hey this is real life lady, deal with you own problems."

This wasn't for the KIDS, it was to bail W out.

Hey, this IS reality, I'm not in your picture anymore.

[futureunknown]

This is where GALing comes in. If she text messages you and asks for help with the kids on her day with them, either don't respond at all (you are too busy after all), or respond with a simple "Sorry W, no can do. I'm swamped this morning with <fill in GAL activity>. Good luck!"

Remember, your W wanted this. She wants to be separate from you. Give her what she wants.

[XYZ]

Maybe I should change my name to "Man Of A Million Questions", but I have another...

Earlier today, W and I were texting about me picking up the kids tonight (I know Sandi, don't kill me! It was about the kids!). I mentioned that I was taking them out for Mexican food tonight.

W replies "I miss Chepes" (that's the Mex joint where she and I used to hang out a lot on date nights).

I know it's mind-reading, but is the WA starting to mention missing things an indication of anything?

[futureunknown]

Yes, it means she has some fond memories. That's good, but she is choosing to walk away from them. Give her what she wants, freedom from the obligation to have dinner with her H and kids.

Took me a long long time to finally get through my thick skull that the only thing that gets through their thick skull is the full consequences of their decisions. Guess what? She doesn't want to be married any more? Then no more family dinners. She's shown her hand, she has told you about something she is going to miss. Giving it to her now will just reinforce her decision to end the marriage, as it demonstrates that she can have her freedom, AND pick and choose the tidbits she misses from her M. Do you want her thinking "Hmmm, this being separated isn't so bad after all. We had a nice time all going out for dinner, and now I can relax at MY home without having to deal with XYZ. Life is good!"

I speak from the experience of doing it wrong for a long time.

[XYZ]

Oh, I'm not giving it to her. I'm having dinner with my kids, not her. Just trying to understand a little what's going on in the nutty head of her's.

[Coach]

Oh, I'm not giving it to her. I'm having dinner with my kids, not her. Just trying to understand a little what's going on in the nutty head of her's.

She's trying to gauge how attached you still are. She really wants you to detach, that's attractive. The script if you respond will be something like this,"I know all of that. I hope you don't think I want to go to Chepes with you. Nothing has changed you know."

[XYZ]

I never offered for her to go and better yet, it never even occurred to me to consider that. I just told her the kids and I would have fun.

[bustorama]

I want to explore XYZ's question more. I think its applicable to many sitches.

- Assume separation, but no divorce proceedings yet
- No affair (known of)
- WAS invites LBS to a family meal/activity

Pros of accepting:
- Family time for you and kids
- Opportunity for WAS to see new you/180's/reconnect
- Free lunch! (jk)

Cons of accepting:
- WAS doesn't feel consequences of loss of family unit
- WAS doesn't feel consequences of loss of your friendly companionship
- WAS may still perceive you as at beck and call/attached

Is best "solution" sitch-specific or do people on here advocate rejecting more than accepting (sounds like fun, but I'm GALing, can't make it), somewhere in between or what?

My IC is constantly telling me to accept all invites (he is not DB-savvy).