how long do you do no contact?

[MrBond]

Those aren't concrete reasons. Sure you have shared history, etc. But everything you mentioned is out of obligation, not attraction.

What is it that would make you attractive to him?

Things like the healthy lifestyle is purely subjective. You might have thought it was healthy and he was just following along to make you happy. YOu said you condemned him for the porn, heavy metal, Howard Stern, etc. But maybe those were things he enjoyed. It doesn't make him a bad person. How tolerant were you?

Again, what makes YOU attractive (looks, career, personality)? Try and give specifics and not generalities.

[MrBond]

rysmom,

So have you thought about this?

[rysmom]

I have been told im attractive and I own my own business. I am working on being a happier person.

[MrBond]

Are you a tolerant and loving person? That is, do you accept certain aspects of him that you may not agree with, but accept them because they are important to him?

Again, what do YOU think makes you attractive to him (not just physical) that's more than just obligation?

I think you haven't been totally honest with working that out. Instead you focus all your attention on the OW and fall short of just calling her a wh*re when all she's doing is attracting your H.

That's the cold hard truth. So what does make you attractive to him?

[sgctxok]

Rys---

Mr.Bond is asking the right questions for you. The status quo isn't working. If you hold firm, you can't win. And it doesn't mean you still aren't YOU. Do something different that is attractive to HIM. Not what YOU think is attractive. Things aren't the way they SHOULD be, they just are.

You have positives. You have a chance. What are you willing to try?

[sgctxok]

additional thought....this usually has to do with how your spouse feels about himself.

Being with HER helps him feel better about himself.

How could you change the ante in your favor?

[rysmom]

I dont know how to change the ante. What do you suggest?
it is difficult for me to forgive because of what he is doing to my son and me. My son is scarred because of this and it makes me very angry and sad.
ow is living with him now at mother's house this makes it more difficult to get him back.H is over there playing house with her. I find it difficult to have peace of mind and that really bothers me, I am always obsessing about this situation and worrying about the future.

[rysmom]

What do you mean by " that I have positives"?

[sgctxok]

He's willing to talk about family matters. It may not feel like a lot to you, but it is something so many folks don't have.

You have to be able to imagine not thinking about the negatives. And that is very very very hard work...I have been there. You have to talk to yourself and dismiss the negative thoughts. You have to find something positive even if it feels ridiculous for you to do so....and it will. Some folks visualize the stop sign. Doesn't work for me at all. But self talk does. Things that may sound hokey or cheesy actually work to retrain your brain.

The upside....it will show outwardly. It absolutely will and it will make a difference to your son as well.

What can be your new key phrase?

[rysmom]

I try to remember to 'let go and let God", and to put it in God's hands, but it doesnt always bring me peace of mind I am loosing patience.
I am on the verge of filing and getting on with my life by moving, buying a cheaper house and having no mortgage. I really worry about my finances in this economy. I feel like my hands are tied and it drives me nuts.