I wil not tell her not to see her friend again. I will definitely let my W decide who she wants in her life.
Coach is this a statement I should say to W
Quote:
?"I don't think it's wise to have friends in our lives that don't support marriage and have our best interests at heart. I think trust is important for us going forward and some people I don't trust around my wife. How do you feel about that?"
I was thinking along the lines of:
"Since you have been gone I feel your friend XXX had been a bad influence on you. I also do not agree with her life style. I think she is very arrogant and controlling. She needs to be the center of the attention all the time. I understand friendship is important to you as it is for me. If you decide to maintain a friendship with xxx then I can't have you in my life, it's your decision"
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
"Since you have been gone I feel your friend XXX had been a bad influence on you. I also do not agree with her life style. I think she is very arrogant and controlling. She needs to be the center of the attention all the time. I understand friendship is important to you as it is for me. If you decide to maintain a friendship with xxx then I can't have you in my life, it's your decision"
"A big issue for me is your friendship with X. I don't trust her for numerous reasons: ________________, _________________and _______________. I understand how important friends have been in this process. If were are going to have the marriage we both want going forward then friends who don't support our marriage need to be out of the picture. I understand this will be hard if you decide to do it. But I have decided it's required for me to go forward."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yep, lay out the REASONS why you don't trust the friend, like Coach said. If you don't, she won't see the whole pic/get where you are coming from and possibly accuse you fo being controlling.
"Since you have been gone I feel your friend XXX had been a bad influence on you. I also do not agree with her life style. I think she is very arrogant and controlling. She needs to be the center of the attention all the time. I understand friendship is important to you as it is for me. If you decide to maintain a friendship with xxx then I can't have you in my life, it's your decision"
"A big issue for me is your friendship with X. I don't trust her for numerous reasons: ________________, _________________and _______________. I understand how important friends have been in this process. If were are going to have the marriage we both want going forward then friends who don't support our marriage need to be out of the picture. I understand this will be hard if you decide to do it. But I have decided it's required for me to go forward."
This one's better. ^
Gr8, you are getting GOLDEN advice here, from someone who's been thru it. I'll say a prayer for your success!
Gr8, I think the way you stated your feelings about your W's GF sounds too much like an ultimatum...not good. It goes back to creating healthy boundaries (although I think the term "boundaries" is way overused). Tell her what you need...simple as that. If it's truly a deal breaker for you then you'll have to decided what you're going to do if your W doesn't want to end contact with her GF.
In my opinion I'm not sure I would even discuss your W's GF right now...at least not on your first meeting with W. If you truly want to reconcile then I believe you should try to create positive interactions with W, not negative. So many times I've read here that we should be the person that attracted our spouse to us in the first place. I doubt that we gave ultimatums and tried to control our spouse at that time.
In the end you'll handle it the way you'll handle it. Just ask yourself what your ultimate goal is and if it's reconiling with your W ask yourself if what you're about to do will help you towards that goal or will hurt your endeavors. There's a right time and place for everything. It doesn't necessarily all need to be discussed the very first meeting. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk about what's on your mind but maybe talk about some things later on. I would just hate to see you push for too much the first time and your W puts her wall back up. Patience...
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I disagree, mza. Gr8's "dealbreakers" should be a very short list -- his "N.U.T.S.", so to speak -- but whatever they are (and only he can say what are TRULY his Non-negotiable Undeniable TruthS), I think they should be communicated up front.
Is there anything else I should prepare myself for? I can still see she has anger from all the explamation points she used in her email to me!
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Her being friends with GF is a deal breaker for me and I am prepared to file for D if she decides to continue her friendship with her.
That is numero uno on my list. Everything after that is workable.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I understand what you're saying however how important is/should the W's GF be to the reconciliation of their M? Should it be a major concern at the first meeting? I think there are far greater issues to resolve then the W's GF. If Gr8's W's reasons for reconiliation are genuine then she will most likely see the negative influences around her. In time, Gr8's W should make the decision on HER own to end contact with the GF. If not then perhaps that's something he pushes for later on.
I believe his W will see his wanting an end to the friendship as controlling. I think she will be going into this meeting with apprehension that Gr8 will try to control things. She will be watching. Why not show her the opposite? Make it about the two of them, not someone else. If they had their first meeting with a MC I'm not sure the MC would begin with them discussing the issue with the W's GF. It concerns me that when Gr8 asked her if she was ready to meet her reply was, "I guess so." To me that says she is either not ready or concerned that Gr8 will push her to far too fast. My 2 cents.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Her being friends with GF is a deal breaker for me and I am prepared to file for D if she decides to continue her friendship with her.
That is numero uno on my list. Everything after that is workable.
If that's truly how you feel then I respect that. You'll need to prepare yourself to carry through with the D if she decides not to end that friendship.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
