I have no trouble expressing my feelings to her, have done so in the past, and have been consistent on those feeling in nearly every discussion of this problem for the past two years +. She gets that "I've heard all this before" look when I talk about it. I'm in the "I'm not going to bring it up anymore" period of the cycle, and have been for several months.
As for touching "naughty" parts...there is no way. Those are only to be touched by me as a part of the sexual act. The last time I felt her breasts was in September. Before that, May.
Hi My sister is a bit of a feminist. I remember laughing at her when she said the film Austin Powers was disrespectful towards women (it's supposed to be ironic?)
Well I guess nearly all women would say they wanted equal rights. But most of us feel like we are pretty close to having them. I mean I come from the UK where we had Mrs Thatcher in charge for 15 years. I never felt held back in my career or anything- even when I used to work in a restaurant where I was the only female in the kitchen. So my point is what has happened to your W to make this so important to her. Why are her views so extreme? My sis for example has had a very difficult life and been badly treated by a number of men. Is something like this the case for your w?
Quote: What has happened to her to make her views so extreme?
Good question. I know she faced some sexual harassment at a law firm she worked for many years ago (I'll buy you any swimsuit from this catalog if you promise to try it on for me) and then, when she moved from law to academia, she also took some "Womens Studies" courses, and maybe it just hit her at an impressionable time. Oh, and then there's the whole, "my dad is a jerk" thing. Her dad would say things to her like "how could you be so stupid?", and other treatment that was designed to make her feel less of a person.
Now, hearing that, your first response might be, "Well, she just needs to get herself to counseling." She was in counseling prior to me meeting her. I think that she thinks she is "cured." It would be hard to get her back there.
Your quote: "Although I've never read the "5 languages of love", I know that these languages are: gifts, words of affirmation, services, quality time, and physical touch. Her language is primarily services. She wants a clean house. Words of affirmation are not accepted well--she either is embarrassed, dismissive, or just doesn't know what to do with a compliment or loving comment. Gifts -- she is definitely not a gift lover. Quality time? She is usually too busy, or too tired, and doesn't make this a priority for us, although she enjoys her quality time alone. Physical touch? Fuggetaboutit. So, I clean my a$$ off, do laundry, do the cooking, give the kid a bath, mow the yard, etc. (notice that I do both the traditional male and female gender chores), and don't get much in return. Perhaps she thinks by cleaning the house after I do so, she is showing me love in the way she would prefer to be shown"
I gasped when I read your message. Your wife is SO MUCH like mine, it is weird. So since they seem so similar let me ask you this: Does she still want you to give her hugs and other "non-sexual" affection? My wife loves to cuddle but no kissing (kissing is sexual, therefore bad and a tool to dominate women). I love to cuddle too but I hate it cuz it kills me. She goes off to sleep happily warm while I'm left aching for her with crazy thoughts racing through my head. Whenever I say "no, I can't handle this", she gets very defensive and starts the manipulation phrases like "You don't love me anymore". I respond "Of course I do but I burn with desire when you touch me! And you don't let me go beyond that. It's torture for me!"
I just wanted to encourage you and congratulate you by being willing to look for ways to put the picante back into your marriage. Your husband will wake up eventually.
I'll throw out some ideas for you some other time when my head isn't spinning quite so fast.
I just wanted to encourage you and congratulate you by being willing to look for ways to put the picante back into your marriage. Your husband will wake up eventually.
I'll throw out some ideas for you some other time when my head isn't spinning quite so fast.
You made me laugh my sexy butt off!!! Thank you, your post was just what I needed today.
Please, do keep the advice coming, this forum has giving me so much encouragement, compassion and ideas that I wouldn't be able to get from anywhere else. I am new to marriage and new to this depressing problem, so I am clueless.
I will keep the fight going, that is for sure, I will make my man want me or die trying!
This week has been a good week, still no sex (3.5 months and counting), but at least no fighting or bad vibes between us, so I take that as a good sign. He also promised to start reading the book this week, so I'll keep my finger crossed and be calm if he does not. I am planning to do some coercion this weekend and get some sex, even if it is a 5 minute session. My reason is that because of the amount of time that has gone by without sex, I am very very anxious about our situation,which tends to make me explode in angry outburst, so a little sex, even if it is not what I really want should help my mind and also remind him that when things get going, he likes sex too. By coercion I don't mean asking him, I mean doing something to him to get him started without asking ( you get my meaning )he normally doesn't stop me (or encourage me for that matter), so from there, rather than waiting for him react and want some full contact sex on his own accord, I will just take charge. I don't really want to do it like this, because this is the only way we ever had any sex in the past and the truth is , it sucks that he never shows inniciative here, but, I think I better remind both of us what this is all about.
On that though, Hairdog, my friend, it seems that yor W thinks too much, and if you ask her (about romance, flowers, contact) she will just refuse you, but, have you ever "just do it". What I mean by this is not sex, but just get some candles and a bottle of wine and tell her in the beginning that there will be no sex, so she is not defensive? and just have a great intimate time? What about sneaking up a bear hug (nice warm and fast!) on her? you know the kind that you give and then keep on walking like it was nothing?. I say all these because my husband may be LD , but he is very very affectionate BECAUSE it was in his nature AND I got him used to it. He wasn't at all when we were first dating. In fact he was plain against any "P.D.A" like he used to call Public Displays of Affection, or even the indoor kind. At that time I just did it, no matter what he said, I would hug him and kiss him right in front of other people. He would say that he felt unconfortable because of the other people, but he got over that. Then again, I was maybe pushing there , but I got a very kissy huggy Husband, so at least I am getting that love, otherwise his a$$ would be sooo divorced now!.
Don't worry Hairdog about saying that your W is a great person, we kind of assume that, otherwise you wouln't be trying to save your marriage. It get a little one dimentional on the forum, since we are here to talk about the problem, not the good stuff, but we are all in the same boat, so we understand.
Hi folks, back from the weekend. Achingman, no, my wife is not a cuddler. A random hug here and there is about all I can expect anymore. When we cuddle, it is more like me touching her, caressing her, holding her...and she is just allowing herself to be held, touched. There is little "touching back." But I can definitely identify with the accusations of male dominance.
And MSM, you asked me about just "doing it." I have done the candles and wine thing...and cooked her a nice dinner, and had the stereo on, instead of the tv. She just doesn't seem to get it. I'm never going to just "take her", as that would just fulfill her prophecy that men are aggressive rapists. I suppose I could try to give her a copy of the book (SSM), and see what happens.
H-dog, I still don't get the connection between having sex and being a feminist. Why are they mutually exclusive?
After all, I'm presuming that she enjoys sex when you do have it? Why does it seem that LD spouses view sex as something that is being "taken" from them, as opposed to something that they are taking? She gets pleasure from sex, so I'm not sure why being a feminist prevents her from seeking that pleasure out for herself. In fact, I think that a good feminist WOULD seek it out and attempt to crush the idea that sex is just for men, or sex is for procreation only, or that good girls "tolerate" it in order to keep their men around. It seems to me that her sexual views are decidedly UN-feminist. Ah, it really doesn't matter as I don't believe that her sociopolitical views are what's driving her--the feminism is just a smokescreen to disguise the fact that she has no desire and doesn't know why.
I'm sure that she is a feminist, don't get me wrong, but I doubt that is the root of her anti-sex stance.
Until she is honest with herself in regards to her libido, I don't see her being honest with you. Keep trying to get her to read the book and see what happens.
One final question: Does she have any desire? EVER?
Thanks honeypot. I agree that her feminism presents more of a smokescreen for her lack of desire. As to whether she has any desire whatsoever, it depends. It's been a long time since she ever said that, for example, she had a dream and it made her horny for me. (These dreams were almost always while I was unavailable). I don't know if she currently has any desire for sensual pleasure. I asked her a couple weeks ago if she had masturbated recently. (Believe me, it took guts to ask her that). She said that it had been many months.
Granted, she has had a lot to deal with in recent months. She quit a job, moved to KC, opened a new business, plus we have a daughter, three step kids, a new house. But let's look at this. Our LD/HD problem is not a new thing. All the current stress (new location, job, house) provides is yet another ostensibly valid excuse not to get intimate. I tend to think that there will ALWAYS be some excuse.
the only way feminism might play a role in a ssm...in my opinion is when 1. the woman realizes that she doesn't have to give into the man...that's saying sure she could give in when he wants it if only for physical pleasure but since so many woman can't get the pleasure unless there's some emotional thang going on well then with feminism she can say screw you (and not screw you) to her man.
another way feminism plays a role in the ssm...is when the woman is independant the man may feel less manly and therefore less interested in sex with her.
Thank you, your post was just what I needed today.