Took a break for awhile to let the last communication from W sink in. I did reply to her email. In it I validated her feelings to start. I then proceeded to express my feelings and take on the whole situation. I ended with me stating I invisioned a great R between us in the future and that it will take hard work to accomplish it. I also said I know the direction we need to take if WE decide to work on M. I express what I wanted in a R and ended it by asking her "What do you want'?
I dropped the kids off this morning and after they went in I asked my W if she was ready to talk. She responded "I guess so". I replied back 'Is that a yes or a no'? She said "yes, call me to set up a time to meet."
So this I plan to meet this weekend to discuss many issues with her. I know I need to listen first. I do have much to tell her too.
Ironicly today is our anniversary.
Should boundaries be set at the meeting?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
When - time that both of your energy levels are high
Where - neutral public place with some privacy, you want to sit across from her to make eye contact
What- be aware of the trigger issues and how to defuse them, it's OK to bring up the things that bother you, validate, ask her what she needs to feel loved.
Have an exit strategy.
What are your goals for the meeting?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hey, Gr8. Wow. I seem to have missed a lot in your sitch since the Great Purge of 2010.
I am nowhere near where you are in your sitch so I tried to read her reply as if it came from my W.
If you validated her points (her anger, her resentment) then all I could think to ask you is "Do you FEEL the empathy for how she feels and what she went through? REALLY feel it?"
Though we LBS's have our feelings and perspectives on the WAS actions etc, when it gets to where you are now, are you really acknowledging what she felt? We have to remember that their feelings about 'how hard they tried for 8 years', and 'you didn't listen' and 'you only tried when I left' are VERY REAL. Just like ours feelings when they left and all the hard work we did and now continue to do.
How can WE address that? Validating is one thing. It helps diffuse their anger, etc. But have you internally acknowledged abd accepted how she experienced the hurt leading up to her 'transgression'?
I'm just asking questions here. I don't believe I know the answer. I would be hacking throughit as you are.
My only advice based on my own opinion is that as far as a first meeting together, I would suggest: -A is off the plate -in fact, anything that occurred before yesterday should be off the plate. -it should be all about today and tomorrow -"What are we going to do about it now?" All the "OLD" issues should be reserved for the presence of a facilitator/therapist to keep things open and healthy.
I would take the lead and lay these out at the start. I would also establsish a 'safety word' that can be used if things get off topic or buttons are getting pushed. Neither of you should want to take additional steps backwards.
I wish I knew the answer. I will have to thing about this some more.
If you can establsih that you both want to try to move forward, then lay it out that 'We both acknowledge that a lot of pain and hurt has been felt by both of us. Some caused by each other; some by the situation. Let's be sensitive to that and be accountable for that TO each other"
That's what came to my mind. I hope there is something in there you can use, my friend.
When - time that both of your energy levels are high
check
Quote:
Where - neutral public place with some privacy, you want to sit across from her to make eye contact
Check
Quote:
What- be aware of the trigger issues and how to defuse them, it's OK to bring up the things that bother you, validate, ask her what she needs to feel loved
. Check
Working on exit strategy.
First goal would to receive conformation from W that she WANTS to work on M.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
As for validating her feelings, in my reply email to her I posted the story written here about the WAW. I started off by letting her know,I know how she felt. That I read the story 100's of times and for to let me know if I was wrong. I understood why she did what she did and I have forgiven her a long time ago.
From her response, I know I need to take the lead. In fact I wanted to do it a month ago but thought that me asking her about the book would be pursuing. Turns out my gut feeling was right, I should have led back then.
That's why I asked her if she was ready to talk.
I will set a tiem this weekend. You're right about not focusing on the past. What's done is done. I pointed this out to her many of times and I know she will try to bring it up again when we talk. I am prepared to handle it.
Another point I need to discuss with her is her friendship with her GF. This is a breaking point with me. She needs to decide who she wants in her life, me or her. I can't be in W's life if she has her friend in hers.
Should this be discussed this weekend? It really is one of the major boundaries for me.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
You show up second and enter the room. You are "on" - new shirt, looking great, smelling great, shoes polished etc.
Have things in mind to start the conversation - talk about something you read or saw that is if interest to her.
be prepared for spew - you want her to vent on you. she needs you to be able to withstand her feelings and still be calm and still love her. not saying you let her get out of control but let her vent. don't allow mind-reading, projection or CB. she's like a pressure cooker, she needs to vent.
make other women around you feel special - compliment the waitress, say Hi to people as you enter and leave
focus your attention on her when she is speaking, active listening, validate her feelings, watch for CB, and mirror her body language then lead it - have open body language.
You have a great opportunity but have no expectations on the outcome, focus on the process. When you get ahead of her it's like you know the next play - turn into the skid. She will pick up on it and admire you. She will feel seen and appreciated.
You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Another point I need to discuss with her is her friendship with her GF. This is a breaking point with me. She needs to decide who she wants in her life, me or her. I can't be in W's life if she has her friend in hers.
Should this be discussed this weekend? It really is one of the major boundaries for me.
Why is this a big issue?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This is an issue for me b/c it was her friend that would take her out to meet other guys. Her friend was/is a bad influence on her.
It's like her friend is the affair that needs to be busted.
I don't like her and in fact my W's family has also stated they all dislike her. THEY even said she's a bad influence in W.
I need to have that "influence " out of my W's life for me to be in hers.
I won't allow her friend to be in my home.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Right now I would probably just state your case. Your wife probably knows it as well. Make it about the behavior. Let your wife decide so it's her decision.
"I don't think it's wise to have friends in our lives that don't support marriage and have our best interests at heart. I think trust is important for us going forward and some people I don't trust around my wife. How do you feel about that?"
Find your message and deliver it. It's OK to think and feel that way. Be willing to listen in return, have a dialouge. If it's a showstopper think thru it, understand why and articulate it calmly.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
