From a woman's perspective, Grit is right. She's just looking for reassurance that you are still right where she left you. Here's a suggestion for your own peace of mind. TURN OFF THE PHONE. People lived for centuries without those little annoying gadgets, and I'm sure you can get by a short period of time, as well.
The more you are able to detach from her and the sitch, the calmer and more sane you will feel.
Trivia question: Do you think Jack the Ripper was in MLC, or his wife?
Although I have been called the “sensitive one”…I sorry but I think you need some wood dude.
First off – MAN THE FU*K UP!
A little interaction between you and the W and you freak the fu*k out…..your better than this chit and YOU know it. I am not gonna sugar coat this…..
I told you the rage would come!
I told you so that YOU can deal with it – so that you can plan for it.
My friend, this is where the rubber meets the road. This is the time YOU need to LIVE your changes. Don’t just talk about them – NO – live them. Don’t just regurgitate what you have heard – NOPE. Live it ! Feel it….learn from it. You want growth? You want to be the MAN that you want to be? Time to man up? Time to finally NOT LET YOUR EMOTION drive what comes out of YOUR mouth.
Ya wanna be the man that you aspire to be? Well, show YOURSELF who that man is and not by posting it…but ONCE AGAIN BY LIVING IT.
Yup buddy, this is it….now it’s time to really think about this..
I love you W BUT <insert any excuse that comes to mind>
I miss you W BUT <insert any excuse that comes to mind>
Oh…those vows I took…well I already convinced myself that 1) divorce happens 2) I will be okay regardless 3) your screw up right now so I have a reason 4) I feel better 5) chicks are starting to dig me 6) I have started to forgive myself and finally….I HAVE ALREADY CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I HAVE DONE THE WORK.
BTW, Faith…did I ever tell you just HOW hard it is to be a MAN of honor…a MAN of morals and principals – A MAN THAT STICKS TO HIS CHOICES EVEN WHEN THEY ARE TOUGH. Oh…you may NOT see it NOW…BUT I am damn sure that ONE DAY IN THE FUTURE….that SHE WILL WAKE UP and realize WHAT YOU GAVE HER. Yes, there is a possibility that she may not….I will not deny that this possibility exists. BUT ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR HER FAITH OR YOU!
What about YOUR needs? I mean really….what about them. Yup, you have done some work. That I will agree with BUT really how much work have you done? Do you really think that at this stage of the game that all of these changes have sunken in? I will tell you point blank NO – they haven’t! You may not want to hear it but it is the truth.
So as I write this I’m wondering what is going thru that head of yours…
Yeah you have started to forgive yourself and your feeling a little better. Chicks are starting to notices, friends are notice, co-workers do. The hot red head where you pick up your coffee does, the smoking hot brunette at the gym seems to give you a glace, ya feel much better, blah…blah…blah..
Your friends are like…Dude WTF are you doing….
Your friends who have survived the big D …seem to be thriving…
Then your mind start to f*ck with you. I am lonely…why am I doing this….why can’t she see the changes yet….why….why…why….fuc* even throw in a “why me” victim card.
Faith – YOU EXPECT her to see the changes NOW. That is unrealistic! She is in a crisis – YOU ARE NOT. Yes maybe in the past you were…Past…think about that for a second.
YOUR Past…
Did she love you when maybe you didn’t deserve it? Did she try while you were emotionally distant? Did she try when you didn’t?
I say this not to beat you up my friend…I want you to see what I see…
You want to be THAT MAN….YOU want to be the MAN that you aspire to BE. It aint easy buddy – hence my “man the fu*k up comment”!
You can still be that MAN – It is a CHOICE that you must make. and STICK WITH!
Put aside the anger – yes feel it but then let it go.
You can do better – stop whining – make a choice and stick with it. That Faith is what A MAN Does. HE sticks with it, even when he fuc*s up, he sticks with it even when his emotions are raging, he stick with it – BECAUSE HE IS A MAN THAT WILL SEE IT THROUGH. A MAN that will not be driven by stimuli from someone else. Nope, just a man…a man that can make mistakes. A man that is not perfect – NOPE. Just a MAN.
Now as it relates to your conversation I will point out a few things:
Quote:
I'm Emotionally Done!
If your emotionally done “HOLDING ON” and trying to still “Manipulate” – then good move on YOUR part. If you think you are “done” and ready to move on. NO you are not. Your far from done cooking buddy.
Quote:
All F'n day text, email, text, emai, call, call, call, text, email.
F*CK ME! I finally answer her phone call.
Wuss! Did anyone put a gun to YOUR head and have you answer? Bottom line…YOU answered for a few reasons IMO….1) deep down inside you wanted to take her pulse 2) If you are detached for YOU…then you would not have answered and gotten pissed off…that is unless YOUR DETACHMENT is a little bit of “punishment” 3) is your detachment still a tactic?. Hmmmm…
Quote:
Her: "Why are you ignoring me"
psst…hey Faith….did you read the resources? Ever heard about them peeking out and taking a temp to see if YOU are still interested – to see IF she can come back
Quote:
Her: "Why are you not talking to me then?"
Eric’s translation…..”I don’t understand why are not talking to me – I want to feel wanted and when you don’t talk to me I just don’t understand – plus I am so confused and fuc*ed up right now I need someone to play mind game with. Oh…and damn I still love you faith BUT I just am so confused”
Quote:
Her: "Wanted to see if you needed money for anything"
[b]Eric’s translation – “here I am gonna offer you an olive branch for a few reasons 1) I still want you to play this game 2) I still can’t decide what I want because I am fu*cked up in the head 3) I still care about you even though I am being a total MLC bitc* and 3) I NEED RIGHT NOW TO KNOW that the door is still open. AND the kicker….RIGHT NOW I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT – EVEN WHEN I DON’T DESERVE IT CAUSE THAT IS THE MAN I NEED RIGHT NOW!
Quote:
Her: "Do the dogs need anything?"
Eric’s translation: “ I want to see you – I’m not sure why but I do”
Quote:
15 minutes later.........another call
Eric’s translation…she hangs up and realizes that he was still distant so she decided to try again and take a better pulse.
Quote:
Her: "You never told me if you made a mediator appointment"
Eric’s translation –“let me see if he still does love me. Let me TEST him to see if that door is still open”…Oh I know I’ll use something that I know will hurt him – cause if he lashes out I’ll know that he will never forgive me.
Quote:
Her "NO YOU DIDN'T.
Eric’s trans – “let me push a little and have a little conflict since my last comment did not give me the response I was expecting.
Quote:
Her: LONG PAUSE
Eric’s trans – “Holly chit – I can’t figure him out”…”he is different”…hmmmmm….
Quote:
HER: "Well, can you tell me how it went?"
Let me engage in a little more convo and see what is really going on with him. How will he treat me…
Quote:
Her: "Ummm. Okay.
“WOW….he is cutting me off – BOY he has changed…but no….no I can’t right now..Fu*k why am I so confused….I am really confused – BUT I THINK HE STILL LOVES ME – can HE FORGIVE ME? CAN I FORGIVE MYSELF…this is too much for me to deal with right now..BUT at least I know he LOVES ME”.
Faith – this chit aint easy.
YOU want what YOU WANT RIGHT NOW!
Real MEN are
Patient Kind Loving Strong FORGIVING
Real Men are
Confident in why they are doing what they do
Not afraid of pain
Can suck it up for what they believe in
Can make a mistake, learn from it and CHANGE It
I’m not sure about you my friend, I know what I want be….care to join me for the RIDE?
The ride to be what WE BOTH ASPIRE TO BE.
You can do better – MAN the FU*K up and stop the pity party.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I may have a different opinion than some, but this is how I see things. I don't think it's a good thing to IGNORE your W (unless you want her to move on). You need to detach, yes. But that's NOT the same thing as going dim or NC. Detaching means NOT allowing her statements, tantrums, comments to get to you emotionally. It's easier done with NC or going dim, but you CAN be detached and have regular contact with W. My H NEVER stopped texting me, emailing me, IMing me etc. I responded kindly and gave brief answers, occasionally adding a bit of personality but that was rare. I never initiated contact and never talked about myself. When he contacted me, I might ask a question or two about something he mentioned the last time he contacted me (both because I was genuinely interested and because I knew he liked being asked). But I kept it short and sweet. It's not easy when you have a spouse like this, but it IS manageable. Eric's translation is spot on. Your W is still interested in you but very very confused. Be the lighthouse in the storm. Let her know through your actions that you will be there and will stand strong but will continue to move forward for YOURSELF. My H has flat out told me that if I had yelled and screamed and been difficult he would have moved on.
I'm not saying to be available when its NOT convenient for you. I'm not saying bend over backwards to answer every call, email text etc. They are lost in their fog but they DO remember how you treat them during this time. Yes, it will involved you biting your tongue over and over again and spewing your frustrations on this board. But you CAN do this.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I was a little emotional in my last post – that’s just me. I care about ya dude – that’s all. So if I pissed you off – good. If I hurt you, well then I’m sorry. You still coming to my neck of the woods with the shovel?
Quote:
Eric's translation is spot on.
I want to respond to this ^^^^^
First, thanks T for the objective observation (fu*k a nickel – make it a 20 spot)
My translation is NOT a guarantee that this is what your W is actually thinking. No, it was really intend to point out that MAYBE she is trying to tell you something else. I do believe and stand by what I posted BUT I am not in your W head.
You see Faith…sometime it is how we “perceive things”…and as the saying goes our perception is our reality. Change how YOU perceive things and YOUR reality changes.
I think YOU want YOUR reality to change…
Not so much for HER but for YOU.
It seems like You believe every interaction with her is her attempt to drive you crazy. I think we both know that she is the one that is not in her right mind – at least not right now.
My last point is that really dude – keeping the focus on YOU does NOT mean that you cut her as* of completely. It means that you respond WHEN YOU KNOW FOR SURE that you can be the new FAITH.
Give her something to miss. Give her something to question. Give her something to doubt – that doubt just may cause her to look inside herself.
You do this..while all the time, living YOUR life.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
A little interaction between you and the W and you freak the fu*k out…..your better than this chit and YOU know it.
Agree completely! This was a pretty tame interaction to be all worked up over. It’s most likely gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. You have choices ... ignore the calls (yes you tried but they got to ya), turn off the phone (now I totally understand NOT wanting to do that one ... I’m not sure I even breathe without mine anymore ), or answer - keep it brief, show her the NEW and improved Faith, end the convo first, do not take the bait and VALIDATE ... And then ... shake it off ... stop wondering ... just get to gettin’ (nickle B-lady) and keep moving forward with your life.
Originally Posted By: Tutu wearing Rican
"My friend, this is where the rubber meets the road. This is the time YOU need to LIVE your changes. Don’t just talk about them – NO – live them. Don’t just regurgitate what you have heard – NOPE. Live it ! Feel it….learn from it. You want growth? You want to be the MAN that you want to be? Time to man up? Time to finally NOT LET YOUR EMOTION drive what comes out of YOUR mouth. Ya wanna be the man that you aspire to be? Well, show YOURSELF who that man is and not by posting it…but ONCE AGAIN BY LIVING IT."
This ^^^^ takes time ... I’ve only recently learned that at first ya get to fake it till ya make it ... then when you’ve made it ... you’ll relearn being REAL. It’s a process Faith ... and we all expect a lot of you, being in the advanced PhD class and all, but what really matters is what YOU expect of yourself. We know you can do this. Do you? We know you have what it takes. Do you?
IMO, who the he!! gives a flying f@ck what your W is thinking right now? SHE probably doesn’t even know half the time so STOP trying to figure it out ... it doesn’t matter anyway ... know why? Cause my guess is it doesn’t change your path one iota. Does it?
You got this buddy ... but it takes time to take hold ... My skin is just starting to feel comfortable, and then, just when I’m humming along ... BOOM ... pity party extravaganza! Guess what though ... they don’t last near as long, and I learn something every time. So ... shake it off ... go to work on detachment ... and keep on truckin’ ...
*** Hijack alert ***
Originally Posted By: Tutu wearing Rican
Real MEN are Patient Kind Loving Strong FORGIVING
Real Men are Confident in why they are doing what they do Not afraid of pain Can suck it up for what they believe in Can make a mistake, learn from it and CHANGE It
REAL men ... not afraid of pain??? C’mon, really think about that for a sec ... ALL humans are afraid of pain. Alpha males may hide their fear, run around chest thumping and roaring, but does that make them REAL men? IMO, what makes REAL men (and REAL women for that matter) is courage. Courage is facing fear, facing pain, and moving forward anyway.
Originally Posted By: Tutu wearing Rican
Real men can suck it up for what they believe in?
My H "sucked it up for what he believed in" for 6 years + .... he believed in family, he believed in marriage, he believed in making his wife happy. Sorry to yell but .... SEE WHERE THAT GOT US???? IMO, Real men (and real women) love themselves enough to set boundaries and enforce them. They respect themselves enough to not be "nice guys" or a$$holes or b!tches .... etc.
NOW ... if you meant “suck it up and do the WORK” then I completely and totally agree ... because the work is hard. It’s a choice ... no one can tell you that you have to do it. Nope. But we can tell you Faith, from experience, that doing it pays off in multiples.
As a final thought ... I absolutely 100% agree that real men ... and real women ... can make mistakes, learn from them and make CHANGES. E is living proof. So am I. So are sooooooo many of the men and women on this board. Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
