Hey, Gr8. Wow. I seem to have missed a lot in your sitch since the Great Purge of 2010.
I am nowhere near where you are in your sitch so I tried to read her reply as if it came from my W.
If you validated her points (her anger, her resentment) then all I could think to ask you is "Do you FEEL the empathy for how she feels and what she went through? REALLY feel it?"
Though we LBS's have our feelings and perspectives on the WAS actions etc, when it gets to where you are now, are you really acknowledging what she felt? We have to remember that their feelings about 'how hard they tried for 8 years', and 'you didn't listen' and 'you only tried when I left' are VERY REAL. Just like ours feelings when they left and all the hard work we did and now continue to do.
How can WE address that? Validating is one thing. It helps diffuse their anger, etc. But have you internally acknowledged abd accepted how she experienced the hurt leading up to her 'transgression'?
I'm just asking questions here. I don't believe I know the answer. I would be hacking throughit as you are.
My only advice based on my own opinion is that as far as a first meeting together, I would suggest: -A is off the plate -in fact, anything that occurred before yesterday should be off the plate. -it should be all about today and tomorrow -"What are we going to do about it now?" All the "OLD" issues should be reserved for the presence of a facilitator/therapist to keep things open and healthy.
I would take the lead and lay these out at the start. I would also establsish a 'safety word' that can be used if things get off topic or buttons are getting pushed. Neither of you should want to take additional steps backwards.
I wish I knew the answer. I will have to thing about this some more.
If you can establsih that you both want to try to move forward, then lay it out that 'We both acknowledge that a lot of pain and hurt has been felt by both of us. Some caused by each other; some by the situation. Let's be sensitive to that and be accountable for that TO each other"
That's what came to my mind. I hope there is something in there you can use, my friend.
