I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned ..

[Albuquerque]

> The fact that H is “apparently” living his white picket fence dream. And yes, I say apparently because I have no idea how happy he is or he isn’t ... but I will say if he’s not then he’s one hell of an actor. Funny thing is, it’s not even that I DON’T want him to have it, I just want it too. It is what it is.

I don't know your H so I can't make blanket statements. But I'd bet a whole hell of a lot, he's NOT happy. Deep inside I really doubt it. I thought the same thing about my H. He went on diving trips to the keys, had an OW, going to parties with friends etc. Meanwhile, I'm stuck dealing with a young teenage D who has depression issues herself, have a yard that resembles yours, trying to take care of a whole house, paying bills, working, etc. It doesn't seem fair. But in talking with H, he revealed that he was FAR from happy. The actions that we see are them TRYING to convince themselves they are happy. We act "as if" because it's how we heal. They act "as if" because they are trying to find happiness externally. We have the benefit of knowing that happiness comes from within. Their search will be filled with short term moments of enjoyment but deep down depression. The pride of being a good mom, of finally clearing that pile of wood from the yard, of knowing that you can do more than you ever thought. THOSE are what make us stronger and better. I know you know this. I know you're just having a crappy day and I get it. But don't for one minute convince yourself he's happy because deep down they KNOW the mess they're making. They just work hard to pretend it doesn't matter. ((PEI))