Trying to care

[ericmsant2]

Faith,

Although I have been called the “sensitive one”…I sorry but I think you need some wood dude.

First off – MAN THE FU*K UP!

A little interaction between you and the W and you freak the fu*k out…..your better than this chit and YOU know it. I am not gonna sugar coat this…..

I told you the rage would come!

I told you so that YOU can deal with it – so that you can plan for it.

My friend, this is where the rubber meets the road. This is the time YOU need to LIVE your changes. Don’t just talk about them – NO – live them. Don’t just regurgitate what you have heard – NOPE. Live it ! Feel it….learn from it. You want growth? You want to be the MAN that you want to be? Time to man up? Time to finally NOT LET YOUR EMOTION drive what comes out of YOUR mouth.

Ya wanna be the man that you aspire to be? Well, show YOURSELF who that man is and not by posting it…but ONCE AGAIN BY LIVING IT.

Yup buddy, this is it….now it’s time to really think about this..

I love you W BUT <insert any excuse that comes to mind>

I miss you W BUT <insert any excuse that comes to mind>

Oh…those vows I took…well I already convinced myself that 1) divorce happens 2) I will be okay regardless 3) your screw up right now so I have a reason 4) I feel better 5) chicks are starting to dig me 6) I have started to forgive myself and finally….I HAVE ALREADY CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I HAVE DONE THE WORK.

BTW, Faith…did I ever tell you just HOW hard it is to be a MAN of honor…a MAN of morals and principals – A MAN THAT STICKS TO HIS CHOICES EVEN WHEN THEY ARE TOUGH. Oh…you may NOT see it NOW…BUT I am damn sure that ONE DAY IN THE FUTURE….that SHE WILL WAKE UP and realize WHAT YOU GAVE HER. Yes, there is a possibility that she may not….I will not deny that this possibility exists. BUT ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR HER FAITH OR YOU!

What about YOUR needs? I mean really….what about them. Yup, you have done some work. That I will agree with BUT really how much work have you done? Do you really think that at this stage of the game that all of these changes have sunken in? I will tell you point blank NO – they haven’t! You may not want to hear it but it is the truth.

So as I write this I’m wondering what is going thru that head of yours…

Yeah you have started to forgive yourself and your feeling a little better. Chicks are starting to notices, friends are notice, co-workers do. The hot red head where you pick up your coffee does, the smoking hot brunette at the gym seems to give you a glace, ya feel much better, blah…blah…blah..

Your friends are like…Dude WTF are you doing….

Your friends who have survived the big D …seem to be thriving…

Then your mind start to f*ck with you. I am lonely…why am I doing this….why can’t she see the changes yet….why….why…why….fuc* even throw in a “why me” victim card.

Faith – YOU EXPECT her to see the changes NOW. That is unrealistic! She is in a crisis – YOU ARE NOT. Yes maybe in the past you were…Past…think about that for a second.

YOUR Past…

Did she love you when maybe you didn’t deserve it?
Did she try while you were emotionally distant?
Did she try when you didn’t?

I say this not to beat you up my friend…I want you to see what I see…

You want to be THAT MAN….YOU want to be the MAN that you aspire to BE. It aint easy buddy – hence my “man the fu*k up comment”!

You can still be that MAN – It is a CHOICE that you must make. and STICK WITH!

Put aside the anger – yes feel it but then let it go.

You can do better – stop whining – make a choice and stick with it. That Faith is what A MAN Does. HE sticks with it, even when he fuc*s up, he sticks with it even when his emotions are raging, he stick with it – BECAUSE HE IS A MAN THAT WILL SEE IT THROUGH. A MAN that will not be driven by stimuli from someone else. Nope, just a man…a man that can make mistakes. A man that is not perfect – NOPE. Just a MAN.

Now as it relates to your conversation I will point out a few things:

I'm Emotionally Done!

If your emotionally done “HOLDING ON” and trying to still “Manipulate” – then good move on YOUR part. If you think you are “done” and ready to move on. NO you are not. Your far from done cooking buddy.

All F'n day text, email, text, emai, call, call, call, text, email.

F*CK ME! I finally answer her phone call.

Wuss! Did anyone put a gun to YOUR head and have you answer? Bottom line…YOU answered for a few reasons IMO….1) deep down inside you wanted to take her pulse 2) If you are detached for YOU…then you would not have answered and gotten pissed off…that is unless YOUR DETACHMENT is a little bit of “punishment” 3) is your detachment still a tactic?. Hmmmm…

Her: "Why are you ignoring me"

psst…hey Faith….did you read the resources? Ever heard about them peeking out and taking a temp to see if YOU are still interested – to see IF she can come back

Her: "Why are you not talking to me then?"

Eric’s translation…..”I don’t understand why are not talking to me – I want to feel wanted and when you don’t talk to me I just don’t understand – plus I am so confused and fuc*ed up right now I need someone to play mind game with. Oh…and damn I still love you faith BUT I just am so confused”

Her: "Wanted to see if you needed money for anything"

[b]Eric’s translation – “here I am gonna offer you an olive branch for a few reasons 1) I still want you to play this game 2) I still can’t decide what I want because I am fu*cked up in the head 3) I still care about you even though I am being a total MLC bitc* and 3) I NEED RIGHT NOW TO KNOW that the door is still open. AND the kicker….RIGHT NOW I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT – EVEN WHEN I DON’T DESERVE IT CAUSE THAT IS THE MAN I NEED RIGHT NOW!

Her: "Do the dogs need anything?"

Eric’s translation: “ I want to see you – I’m not sure why but I do”

15 minutes later.........another call

Eric’s translation…she hangs up and realizes that he was still distant so she decided to try again and take a better pulse.

Her: "You never told me if you made a mediator appointment"

Eric’s translation –“let me see if he still does love me. Let me TEST him to see if that door is still open”…Oh I know I’ll use something that I know will hurt him – cause if he lashes out I’ll know that he will never forgive me.

Her "NO YOU DIDN'T.

Eric’s trans – “let me push a little and have a little conflict since my last comment did not give me the response I was expecting.

Her: LONG PAUSE

Eric’s trans – “Holly chit – I can’t figure him out”…”he is different”…hmmmmm….

HER: "Well, can you tell me how it went?"

Let me engage in a little more convo and see what is really going on with him. How will he treat me…

Her: "Ummm. Okay.

“WOW….he is cutting me off – BOY he has changed…but no….no I can’t right now..Fu*k why am I so confused….I am really confused – BUT I THINK HE STILL LOVES ME – can HE FORGIVE ME? CAN I FORGIVE MYSELF…this is too much for me to deal with right now..BUT at least I know he LOVES ME”.

Faith – this chit aint easy.

YOU want what YOU WANT RIGHT NOW!

Real MEN are

Patient
Kind
Loving
Strong
FORGIVING

Real Men are

Confident in why they are doing what they do

Not afraid of pain

Can suck it up for what they believe in

Can make a mistake, learn from it and CHANGE It

I’m not sure about you my friend, I know what I want be….care to join me for the RIDE?

The ride to be what WE BOTH ASPIRE TO BE.

You can do better – MAN the FU*K up and stop the pity party.

Peace,
Eric