I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned ..

[AntoniaB]

I'm going to address a few things above, because I go through exactly what you are every so often where you just get overwhelmed and angry at a lot more than the situation with the relationship. I think at those times the other things loom so large you feel like you have nothing left.

The Christmas thing. I know this must be really bad for people with kids; I don't have kids but I already pulled this one with family. I said PLEASE don't buy me "things." I can't reciprocate. I just can't. If you feel you have to give me something, then help me pay a car repair bill or pay my lawn mower off. And I'll probably do homemade gifts for people--I was thinking the whole "make a pretty cake mix in a ball jar" idea would be inexpensive but a nice gift that I would want to receive if you know what I mean. With your kids, I know they'll understand if you explain to them that gifts are going to be limited this year, and maybe get them a small number of things or one major thing they REALLY want and just spend time with them and keep your family traditions going. They will understand you are doing your best.

Your house/yard. Ok this one gets me all the time. Somedays I say that I'll never be able to take care of this much alone, that I should give up. And then EVERYONE in my life says "NO!!!" and talks me down. So this is what I do when that happens. I compartmentalize tasks. I make a list of small things. Things that can be completed in 30 min. or less. Sometimes I just make the list in my head and not on paper. Then in a week I try to knock out 2 or 3 things. Like, "clear the area in one garden bed and cover for the winter." I do it, finish it, and there is small progress.

I have a dead tree--20 feet high--and tons of trees that need pruned. I have a brother who can do this for me--but I have to wait like 6 months till he can get a free weekend. Oh well. I don't have a choice but to wait. I'm not beating myself up about it.

If it looks like a bomb went off, whatever. You are doing your best. And the indoor stuff, well yeah, I could say all that needs done to my house too. But you know what?? When my H was here it needed done too, and neither of us sat around stressing over it all.

I think all of us have this tendency to try to, as my sister says, "build Rome in a day" and get our houses and yards and EVERYTHING in our lives in order and perfect once we are alone, and we didn't have this attitude when we were with them, so we need to stop being so hard on ourselves now.

So I guess what I'm sayin as far as these things go is to not get too frustrated by them. Try to tackle small tasks, to chip away at house problems bit by bit, and tell yourself it will never "all" be fixed, but you won't let it get to you. Face it you're taking on the responsibility of two people now, and you are doing your best.