Hi Flowmom, I like your post. I'm involved with a nice man, trying to keep it separate from my "mom" life, and seeing how different he is from my XH (who I'm now trying to figure out why I ever married in the first place--interesting twist!). The relationship started out passionate but has cooled down--mostly because we don't get to see eachother very much. I have primary custody of the kids AND I still want/need to spend time with friends, so the time and distance works to slow things down. Sometimes considerably!
Yesterday I was talking about the relationship with my therapist, and how sometimes he's frustrated by how little time we have together. I kept saying "it might work or it might not". She asked what that meant--like would it work if we got married and not work if we didn't? My answer was that was probably it (even though I don't know if I ever even WANT to get married again!). She then said something interesting. That if you are training for a marathon and your only goal is to cross the finish line, you are setting yourself up for disappointments. That getting in shape, being outside, sleeping hard at night...all those are part of the marathon training even if you end up walking the last 2 miles or if you pull a muscle and don't even cross the finish line. She said I need to focus on the process--learning how to communicate better, enjoying that he treats me like a princess, getting close to him emotionally...all of those things can make the relationship "work" even if over the long haul we don't end up together. I am VERY worried about causing anyone any pain (or incurring any!), but she said that nobody knows the end at the beginning and to just try and be present in it and enjoy it. And towork on myself IN the relationship--by saying what I feel, by being honest, etc...that he will then get information that he needs to decide what works for him or not, etc. So, its a different twist.
