Rope Burns

[pinhead]

And I have validated this with her in the past. Asked almost verbatim the questions you posted.

[LanceSijan]

Detaching is not being rude. It's not being cold. Like I've said before.....think how you would treat a little cousin that was in your way. You would tolerate her without being mean, but you sure wouldn't put her at the top of your priority list.

Its funny but the best advice that you got ^^^^^^ was completely ignored.

Maybe you are detaching from DB'ing?

[Coach]

Women give HINTS. They don't always come out and tell you point blank. If you are a man on this site and haven't had your woman give you hints, then you are lying.

what's she really saying?

Do you feel like eating out tonight?

Have you seen the new Audi, it looks really good.

The kids have ruined the sofa.

I am looking into going back to school.

The Smiths are going to St Croix for vacation.

When was the last time you had a physical?



Questions are statements and statements are questions. Start there.

[Coach]

He would be WISE to have a SERIOUS talk with her and get down to the bottom of HOW SHE REALLY REALLY FEELS about it

"Have you ever thought about having it done? I would be fine with whatever you feel is best for you."


Doesn't mean she'll do it. It's how she feels right now, she wants to feel supported to choose what she wants. Don't try to talk her out of it let her decide. Turn into the skid.

[pinhead]

Hi Coach,

I get the questions/statements thing. And I understand hints. But what is she really saying, "Do you think I'm sexy?"

If that's the case, how do I validate that now, when we're in our sitch where she's so pissed off; that would be pursuit, no? She's been uncomfortable with any sexual flirting/overtones between us.

I know I'm missing something; unless she's firmly put me in the gay roommate slot, why would she be bringing something like this up, right now?

[pinhead]

He would be WISE to have a SERIOUS talk with her and get down to the bottom of HOW SHE REALLY REALLY FEELS about it

"Have you ever thought about having it done? I would be fine with whatever you feel is best for you."


Doesn't mean she'll do it. It's how she feels right now, she wants to feel supported to choose what she wants. Don't try to talk her out of it let her decide. Turn into the skid.

I've said those exact words to her. She always dismisses the idea as too expensive/impractical.

[DanF]

I am pretty dense, but I think I am starting to "get it". Sometimes easy to see here, but hard to put into practice. Why do they have to HINT and not just TELL you what they want? That would be too easy!!!

[quote]Women give HINTS. They don't always come out and tell you point blank. If you are a man on this site and haven't had your woman give you hints, then you are lying.

what's she really saying?

Do you feel like eating out tonight?

I want to eat out tonight. Take me somewhere that you decide on.

I used to always let her decide where to go. She felt stressed by this. I thought I was being nice by eating wherever she wanted to and whatever cuisine she wanted to. That is not leading.

Have you seen the new Audi, it looks really good.

I want a new Audi?

The kids have ruined the sofa.

Is this a question? Do you ask if she wants a new sofa or assure her that it is not ruined?

I am looking into going back to school.

Should I go back to school? Well, honeywhy do you want to go back to school? How do you feel about that?

The Smiths are going to St Croix for vacation.

Do you want to vacation on a Carribean island?

When was the last time you had a physical?

You need to get a physical.....

Questions are statements and statements are questions. Start there.

Ok. Maybe I don't get it. I just tried to answer these questions.statements and think I messed it up.

I feel like a dolt!

[Coach]

I've said those exact words to her. She always dismisses the idea as too expensive/impractical.

"Well if your decision changes let me know how I can support you."


She brings it up again. "Mercy woman you must really want to get those bubbies the way you want them. What's holding you back from taking care of business?"

Mrs PH: --- - ---- -----..---.--- ..----..

PH: Really that's why. What would it take for you to feel comfortable with _--.- ..---- ?




Don't fix it or talk her out of it.


next time the house comes up - turn into the skid.


PH: "you really think we should sell the house don't you? why do you feel that way?"

it won't make sense to you. why would a woman who is so concerned about our finances want to get a bubbie job/sell the house when that will only hurt our financial situation? it's not logic it's how she feels, her feelings can and will change. she doesn't want you to fix her feelings, understand it for what it is - her feelings which are important to her and the key to her heart.

[pinhead]

I was having trouble understanding the differences between validating/agreeing during DB and in a healthy R. But there's really no difference.

I've spent so much of our M trying to make her understand me, or to convince her of something instead of realizing the fundamental differences in her thought processes and mine.

[Coach]

I've spent so much of our M trying to make her understand me, or to convince her of something instead of realizing the fundamental differences in her thought processes and mine.

Give her what she needs and all your needs will be taken care of. This is totally done with no pursuing. Really start to listen now. Listen to other women talk to each other, to us it's about nothing but they are connecting with each other. You don't become her BFF, you become her man. Her body language will tell you if you are on track.