Always and Forever??????

[LanceSijan]

I read everyone's post and it makes me so afraid.
I have been married 12 years now, and thought we had it good. Successful careers, supported him much along the way, one beautiful D, very smart, big house, great social life, Ok sex, plenty of family travel.
He was never affectionate but took good care of us. I complained about the lack of affection and demanded, and I could see he did try to be better. Then one day he tells me we should separate, because there was no more love in our marriage. Shock, anger, leading, begging - the whole shebang. No avail, everything made it worse. It was as though the good times never happened. But after discussing, we agreed not to separate until our D goes to college. he loves her to pieces.
Then I suspected an OW, but there was denial and more denial. I saw evidence - texts and calls. He admitted later. She lived outside the country, but she came here, now she lives around 700 miles away. She is younger by 13 yrs., blonde (we are Asian), very wealthy, divorcee.
My H asked for space, for freedom to do what he wants, but is OK with us staying together. I agreed, for the sake of staying together. Can't live without him, I think.
I am thinking maybe he has MLC, as it is very uncharacteristic - he is a responsible man, good dad, good provider.He is now obsessed with his looks, buys expensive clothes, works out.
Our family life right now seems normal but I check texts and emails and see how obsessed he is with the OW and am hurting so bad. I try the LRT in the book, as all the other steps did not work, and although it has restored peace at home and made me stronger, keeping me from crying too much and made me more functional, I don't know if I can keep it going.Its a roller coaster. EA has been going on now for around 6 months, and it seems to be getting deeper, and I have this urge to do something, I feel like exploding. Our life is a sham - we do things socially, pretend to friends, go to church. Inside I am crumbling. O don't know if this is better than just separating. But I can't handle taking care of D alone, too busy at work, plus I travel. he travels too. PLus I cannot bear the thought of hurting D, she is a tween and impressionable.
I need help, encouragement, some direction....

Angel61 start your own thread.

Go to the main page and press new topic.

You can copy this post or write some more but this is IB's thread and we don't want to hijack it.

Thanks

[ericmsant2]

Irish,

Sorry to hijack...

25, I really enjoy your post! Just figured I'd let ya know.

God Bless,
Eric

[irishblessings]

Today I received divorce papers at my office.

According to these legal documents my marriage is "irretrievably broken"

I have 23 days to respond and 45 days to complete a "transparenting" class and 45 days to complete a financial disclosure document (12 pages)

25 - I truly don't mean to be frustrating anyone by seeming to "not get it" - truly! I print off these threads / read and highlight / re-read and highlight - you get the drill. Your guidance is dead on - I know that. I feel fairly confident that I have been GALing - taking exercise classes, going out with kids and friends, completing some home projects.

Admittedly I get stuck sometimes. I allow myself for moments to believe that I was the cause of his sexual addiction. And I keep him on the pedestal - believing that I somehow "caused" this. Rationally I know I didn't. Rationally I know I've done EVERYTHING I could possibly do to save our marriage. I use this board to purge a lot of the insecurities and insanity from 7 years of this insidious addiction destroying my life and my family. It's not like I can pronounce to the world "H is a sex addict and marriage inhibits his fixes" - Do I know a statement like this minimizes other issues - some valid, some not? Probably - but somehow I have 3 beautiful, talented, genuinely good kids who thought we had something special - and they were proud of what we had. Something had to have been right.

25 - I still respect my husband. I agree that leaving a paved road home is important. His behavior in public is causing others to develop their own opinions. I can't help that. I don't break down in public. As I have moved to start going out a little bit more - I remain upbeat and positive.

I know I am still grieving. Don't know for how long. I am totally appreciative for you sharing your experiences and what I consider "expertise" in this God awful state. I do not feel hopeless - a little bruised (yes, ego too:)) - but not broken.

Thanks for listening and giving - I really love you all!

[ericmsant2]

Irish

I truly don't mean to be frustrating anyone by seeming to "not get it" - truly!

Stop worrying about it. This is a process. No one is fustrated with YOU. We all know that you are doing the best that you can. This is hard Irish. It is. One day at a time.

Everything your experiencing is quite normal. Even those moments of "getting stuck". The reality...you at least recognize it. So take some comfort knowning this.

All of this takes time Irish.

Chin up and keep moving forward.

Finally, I am sorry to hear about the D papers. As hard as it may be do not let the "papers" bring you down.


God Bless,
Eric

[rysmom]

Irish,
Im sorry to hear about d papers, but it is not over. My h is a pornography, sex addict too. It's heartbreaking being m to an addict. I think you are doing really well. You are a strong person and a great mother no one can take that from you.
God Bless you
M-50
h-52
s-16
m-22 yrs
t-32 yrs.

[dl443322]

Ib, I'm so sorry about getting the papers. I know that was a terrible blow. I can sit here and tell you that it's only paper, but right now I know it hurts so much.

Sweetie, I want you to know that when we oldtimers try to get you to keep moving forward, it comes from having been exactly where you were.

We got stuck and backslid and everything else. We just want so much for you to feel as little pain as possible. So we try to nudge you forward so that you do not stay stuck any longer than you have to.

First of all, I know that I am a success story. My marriage has not yet been saved. Maybe it never will be. Who knows? But, I have become who I was meant to be. My son has a relationship with his father that they forged without me being in the way or hindering it in any way.

Whenever I had to deal with h or my sitch, I always kept certain things in mind. I knew that I wanted to act with dignity and honor. I always had my son's wellbeing in mind. I knew that I never wanted my son to feel worried or insecure. And I would treat my h the way I wanted to be treated.

With those things in mind, it made it easier to know how to act and what to say. Soon, it was how I lived.

IB, you are doing great. Really. We just want so much for you to get to the part where you are feeling ok, where you are detached and living the best life you can, where you have found IB.

[irishblessings]

I am forever grateful to you all! I have AMAZING kids - so many blessings! Friday I am taking the girls and my BFFs to Nashville, TN for a girls' night of country music and continuing to celebrate middle Ds 21st!

I am so lucky! - Plenty of IrishBlessings:)

[25yearsmlc]

IB,

I hear what you are saying. You are making progress and that matters. But when you mourn your loss, you focus only on the things you'll miss, naturally. But if you were truly honest AND OBJECTIVE, even if only for an hour, you'd see things a bit more clearly. You miss the scrabble and inside jokes as if losing your h means NONE of those things will remain. Untrue. And you gloss over the humiliating personal private intimate issues HE has and will continue to have. You won't. Those crappy moments won't be part of your life anymore and you know, that's a good thing. Who knows? You may someday, down the road, meet a man who won't ever put you through that.

Your h has other flaws too, so when you think about what you'll miss in him at least admit there are things you won't miss. That will help. Even if you only start with small things, like how you'll be able to watch more chick flicks, or whatever. And eventually you'll see that not all of your new life will suck. And it won't.
You'll see.
j-

[irishblessings]

25 -
Well said! - will I miss the humiliation, hurt and utter sickness from the exposure to a seedy, sick world? - NO, NO, NO! And I DO gloss over it...

Yes I overlook his other flaws too - instead choosing to make my flaws catastrophic...

One thing I won't miss...

Since the addiction was revealed I have never been able to truly be with friends and be "in the moment" - I have constantly tried to stay aware of H's mood, body language, etc. - was HE ok, was HE fantasizing, was HE approving, was HE having fun
Never really knew how much I was doing that until recently.

Hey, that didn't even take an hour:)

Gratefully - IB

[punkin]

" I have constantly tried to stay aware of H's mood, body language, etc. - was HE ok, was HE fantasizing, was HE approving, was HE having fun"

Irish,

It's called walking on eggshells, and it's a biotch to live that way. Think now of the ease of not having to do that all the time.