i'm actually going to try something here .. and that is "stop doing what doesn't work".
normally, if i sense a disconnect (not the same as disagree) with another poster, i would stop responding. so let me do the opposite and stay the course and see what happens.

maybe the first question i should be asking is: what is work? what does it mean to do work? give me an example of how far does one look in order to do work.

and go from there. because obviously, we are on two different wavelengths. we both don't know what the other person is talking about.

i thought part of doing the work was to look back at what caused the m to breakdown. i could say stuff like our spending habits, our pace in life, etc. and those are just surface things. underneath those things has to do with habits and behaviour. ok. so what leads to my behaviour? that's how i started looking at things like my father's financial irresponsibility. i know what it's like to not have that financial security. it's scary and it leads me to save like crazy because i don't want to worry about whether i am going to be able to pay the rent or buy food. that's how i approached "doing work". i'm not trying to blame others. i'm trying to explain why my behaviour is as such or what i've learned about why i react, behave, or think the way i do. it's only step 1 in recognizing what the problem is.

me having to take care of my family at 23 and not being on my own - it's a cultural thing. i'm going to leave it at that.

from your response, i'm confused as well because in some ways i should look into my past but yet, when i do .. you see it as me blaming them and playing the victim. i'm just saying this is what my behaviour or reaction is shaped from. i was hoping you would look at it from that point of view. not as in me whining or complaining "oh woe is me". i'm not saying it's right or wrong .. just this is why i reacted this way.

just as we are responsible for our own feelings. we are responsible for our actions, reactions, and behaviours. so i cannot be a victim .. this is my own doing. i have nobody to blame but me. i guess what i wanted to point out was that i was trying to be something i wasn't. i was trying to be like my sisters in their 'perfect' marriages but what works for them, doesn't necessarily work for my marriage. i am in a mixed marriage. they are not. so there are differences. plus, i'm different from my sisters .. i love adventure .. they do not. so try telling an adventurous person to sit still .. he/she can't. smile the person my h fell in love with .. was not the person who wanted to sit still. he wanted the adventurous side of me. i truly lost sight of who i really was because i was too busy trying to change myself for my family. why did i do this? well ...

moving away from my family was a lot harder on me than i expected. my sisters lived in the same city as my parents and they would get together for family dinners every sunday. i moved away to a different city so me wanting to be like my sisters was a way to remain part of my family. i didn't want to be the family outcast. in order to keep my family, i gave up who i was. again, not blaming anybody else. this was something i did to myself. i allowed myself to be influenced by this.

when my h and i separated, my family wanted me to move home to be closer to them. i chose not to because i didn't want to go back to that life. my parents didn't insist that i live with them but even living in the same city .. i couldn't do it. they would keep tabs on me. are you eating, are you sleeping, are you okay? can you come over for dinner? i woudn't be able to GAL. living away from them, i got to GAL the way i wanted to. i did things that i enjoyed doing. playing squash, learning to bake, taking cooking classes, etc. my mom isn't crazy about the things i do because it makes me "different" from everyone else. now? i'm happy to be different. i wouldn't change that in me. i don't want to be the SAHM who lets herself go and doesn't care how she looks or dresses.

living away from home has made me stronger. i don't feel obligated to take care of others because my priority is to take care of me first. it's really different to be putting myself first. it's very selfish but i'm all i have right now.

i can't keep sleeping at 3 am in the morning. so i'm going to end it here for now.