Darker days ahead

[25yearsmlc]

There's a lot in your post and I lack the time to adequately respond. I'm also probably not getting through to you so there's that...

You talk about your h "taking you out" and to be clear, you mean to kill you?

Um, that's either very dangerous and you should tell the authorities, or you should tell your IC b/c that's an alarming thing to say but you don't seem aware of this. And even if you want to pretend your only issue is your div, it's not true. You have stuff to deal with, and "trust" and your past history and your mother and paying for everyone else in your family at age 23, instead of supporting yourself (Why? so you can earn their love or what?), or you being a victim of other's selfishness or weakness OR your perception that you are, even now, is just not healthy. True or not, it's not healthy. It also again, avoids looking WITHIN...

Talk to your IC or get a new one if you are not comfortable with the one you have now. But as I read your post I see so much pain and unresolved issues AND not a lot of insight.

You are not dealing with your issues. When I bring up the "Work" to do, you bring up your history and it's mainly others who hurt you that you bring up, which is not work for you to do, but history of others' behavior, and OR you say "I have an issue with sex BECAUSE..." and then you explain/defend it in a way that makes me think you are justifying it and that you genuinely don't see how you prevent yourself from being happy and fulfilled. You're smart, but you are not digging inside. But since I'm not your shrink, I'll leave it at that.

I think where the head goes, the heart, eventually, follows. And as long as you keep your head on straight you'll be alright. But you don't and you call it "PMSing" but it seems you do spiral negatively and you do not seem to notice it. Or you think it's okay for awhile...
Also, You did not say why you NOW think your h would want a restraining order on you. Why now?

You again said that you refused to reply to him when he said "hi" or greeted him or something like that, and that somehow this was going to make him miss you?? I think you realize now that you probably just validated his reasons for wanting out so we'll leave that issue alone.

There are a lot of things you describe in your behaviors that I simply don't understand. You defend them, but you also admit that none of these behaviors worked. So, there's not really progress b/c you seem to be saying, "I did X and Y and it did not work but BUT I wanted to or needed to or felt justified....and so I did it and I'm Right, I'm not happy but I'm right..." and there's no desire to change. It's like you are saying "well I made mistakes but they're ALL justified so I'm going to keep on doing them and wish HE'D change but he won't and so I'll be alone and that's sad and unfair...but oh well..."

Talking once to your h about not using L's was your idea of "trying"? Geez, I have to say that I'm surprised you are surprised it did not work. Your timeline for effort and your definition of "trying" is pretty short and narrow.

Don't know what else to say. I think GAL will be helpful but if you ever want to find peace and love in your life again, which we ALL do, you really ought to give IC another chance. I suspect you may want a different one b/c if your present IC has not helped you in these areas, you probably need a new one. Just my gut telling me that. I hope you'll try a workshop or talk to a c who says it like it is. You don't need coddling, in my opinion.
You're stronger than that. But it'd be nice if you stopped feeling obligated to help others TOO MUCH...what do you think would happen if you stopped taking care of others? You think they'd stop loving you? You see how you are making this about other issues than your m and yet, how they relate to your R problems in both areas? You're playing victim in all these areas. And you resented it. That shows more than you are aware. And you feared financial irresponsibility so much you may have helped create it in your own m, and now you say YOU have nothing to show for the M...ironic, don't you think? Seriously, D4, you have WORK to do and the only way you will really get to the other side of this, is through that work. As they say, "the program works if you work the program."
Good luck