Hello everyone! I’m new to the group...been reading many posts. Happy to be among people who share the same experience, but it sure stinks that we have to have such a group.
Without going into too much detail, I wanted to pose a question to the group, both males and females, about whether they feel that feminism has had a part in their HD/LD imbalance. My W is a feminist and I think, by her words and actions, that sometimes she just hates men and thinks that sex is a violative act, and can never be truly consensual. As the H of such a feminist, I must say I’m probably one of the most feminism-supporting men you can find. If not, I get reamed. For example, while watching TV the other night, a Victoria’s Secret ad came on, and I made the mistake of uttering a sound like, “hmmmm.” She lectured me on the evils of the objectification of women for the next hour. Ever since then, whenever such an ad comes on, my face goes blank, or I leave the room to go get a drink or something.
That said, I wonder how many of the HD men here can empathize, and how many of the LD women (if there are any here) can explain this to me.
Oh, and for introductory purposes, I’m 42, the HD H, and my wife is 40 and ND or, at best LD. Two times in 2003...does that qualify for ND status?
She doesn't sound much like a feminist to me, more like a control freak. You wife wants to be able to tell you what you should and should not feel. No one should ever get reamed for being who they are and to tell a man who finds a Victoria's Secret model attractive that he is being dismissive of women is not being feminist, she is feeling threatened. She is using feminism to hide her own insecurities and to keep from having to admit her own frailties.
A feminist is comfortable with her womanhood. She doesn't feel the need to ream anyone or the least bit threatened by a man who finds women attractive. She has you so under her control that you are afraid to show facial expressions during a TV commercial. I think a better question would be why she feels the need to have such control and, more importantly why you feel it's OK to give it to her? Feminism is her shield and she is using it to keep you in line.
Where do you suppose her resentment of men comes from and why she tries so hard to keep them from having any connection with her? Cathy~
We all know that HD spouses divorce LD spouses to seek a HD partner, but do you think the opposite is true? My W SWEARS that she and the OG aren't having sex, and she's been with him 17 months? She says she hates sex, although she sure had me fooled for 30 years!!! Up until Mr All The Right Words came down the pike, I'll bet I never heard a "NO" more that twice in 30 years!!
Another friend of mine was married for 12 years with no sex with her H. She found out he was having an A, but thinks they were just walking, talking, and holding hands???? I don't get it!
I agree that the reaming goes a lot deeper than feminism. You will probably ream me for this, but I honestly need your feedback on a project I would like to start: matchdbers.com. We all know each other pretty good, and if some of us want to hook up, why not? I build websites, and could do it very easily, whatcha think?
Crude reply to a new guy asking a qiestion. I understand all of the hell that you have been going through, but DON'T take it out on him. To many unknowns in the sitch and that was not fair advice to give out. It would be different if the sitch had been detailed, but that was irresponsible...
I will get off my soapbox now...
To answer the question: a feminist believes in the equality of both sexes. What is equal in your relationship?
All the Best,
Johanna
Tony, go ahead and start your dating service. You are dying test the waters again.
I can always count on you to change the name of a thread. As soon as I saw your name and "crude", I knew it was for me. Actually I just wanted to give ole hairdog a bump and start a little controversy, glad it worked!
I thought we had an equal relationship, she didn't! I'm just a stupid man, so give me a break OK. I guarantee my next relationship will me MORE than equal!!!! I will be much aware of what's going on!
I'll keep you posted om matchdbers.com! BTW, tomorrow might be D Day!!!!!!!
I agree with Johanna! If dumping her was an option, he probably would have done it already! It's really not constructive.
Anyway, I don't think that feminism has much to do with it. I know lots of HD people that don't take their husband's names or don't shave or won't consider walking into a Victoria's Secret let alone wear any lingerie. I mean, I am sure that there are LD feminists out there, but I'd also bet the ranch that there are also LD stay-at-home mothers who bake cookies and took their husband's names. From what I am seeing, there is no "profile" for either a HD or LD spouse. While they have common practices and we have common reactions, this is a melting pot of different people from different backgrounds with very different beliefs.
Tony, matchdbers.com sounds like a fine idea. I've always thought Michele could get rich by starting a dating service on the side. Got to be careful though and gear it toward those who have healed their hearts and not those who are still emotionally vulnerable. Good for you for recognizing the fact that there are some great people here who would probably make great couples. Cathy
I'd like to comment on this. I've considered myself a feminist depending on how you want to label it. I've also been a control freak and when the victoria secret ads came on tv. I did the lecture too. I was also a LD wife as the marriage went on. It's taken a lot of soul searching to link everything together and figure out why I was being the way I was. It had nothing to do with feminism. It really was all because of insecurity. I gained a lot of weight over the years. When beautiful half naked women were on tv, I felt so inferior compared to them, so the best way to deal with it was to demonize it to H. I mean if H appreciated them, then how the heck could he appreciate me. It also attributed to my LD. I didn't always used to be LD. Now that I've been losing weight, changing my attitude, I feel the differences in me already and my drive is waaaay up, sigh and H is gone, figures:-). Insecurity is so damaging as it pushes the S away further. Just some food for thought for possibilities in this situation. Lisa my thread
Thanks to everyone who has replied so far. Yes, I think control has a lot to do with this, as does her insecurity about her beauty/physique. She has gained some weight since marriage, but I have consistently told her that I think she is beautiful. And I do.
I face an uphill battle, convincing myself to stop being the victim here, to stand up for what I believe, and to take care of myself. I am finding strength in the stories of others on this board.
