Finally free, I haven't read everyone's responses to your posts, but reading yours was like a slap on the face. At first I thought you were my H posting!!!!!! And then I read that you have kids and sighed with relief (I don't have any). What would take you to go back to your w? Why are you even here at the board if you weren't interested in saving your M? What made you come here and post?
I wasn't always like that with my wife but she would push and push until I would finally explode. She was the strong one and the only way for me to be stronger was to rip her apart it was the only way to get her to shut her mouth. I have said some bad things to her and she knows I only said them in anger. Now she doesn't respond anymore but I am sure she is seething underneath. I do admit she wanted us to go to councelling together but I knew it would be another way for her to bash me. She went by herself. My friend never treated me that way my wife did and therefore there was much respect for her. My friend was also unhappy in her marriage and we were able to be a comfort to each other.My friend encouraged me to be happy and that I deserved to be my own person but my wife would never do this. My wife could not understand this concept and kept accusing me of having an affair until I finally left. It was too much stress. I would return to the marriage if I knew that her changes were real but I have known this woman for a very long time and I doubt she can keep up the act for too much longer. I haven't filed for a divorce because I can not afford a lawyer right now but I am saving for one. She said she would not fight me on this but she refuses to file. I am angry with her because the whole marriage has been about her and the kids. I know the concept of this board and I too hate the idea of divorce but I wanted someone to understand that sometimes there are just too many problems to overcome. I am not a bad person I am a realist.
How many times have we LBS's sat here wishing a WA would give us their opinion? Now we have one and because it comes with their anger, we assume it's some sort of prank? I think we could all use a little reality check here. WA's ARE very angry, and often with good reason. We LBS's vent a lot of pain and anger and anguish on this bb. I think we should honor the pain and anger and anguish of a WA too. Finally, please, share your story. I think you will find willing listeners here.
_________________________ Rere 01/18/06 08:01 PM
Hi Finally Free, You could also be my WAH with only one minor change!!! I can't believe all of the similarities! He even knows about this website and forums. Perhaps you could be any number of our Hs.
It really hurt to read your post, mainly because you've given up on any kind of hope to repair the M. Sometime you will regret it. Sometime you will wonder if you had let in just one doubt about ending the M and tried for a little while, maybe there would have been a chance for the two of you to be happy. Sometime you will see that true change can happen and it will be too late. Sometime you will regret it. Rere
I think I am mad at your posts because they hit so close to home and they hurt. I see so very much of my husband in you and the things he said to me over the years. I guess this is also what he thinks of me, that my changes are not real enough and that one day I will go back to how I was. It is really discouraging when I have tried so hard on my own to get help for myself and know that the changes are really only for myself, that my H will never really ever forgive my transgressions and I have to keep moving forward regardless of what he decides to do. Really the only difference between the two of you is that we have more kids. I have been his whipping post for years and have been called everything under the sun to the point where I felt truly worhless and wished many times for relief from the pain and from his anger. I still believe your marriage and my own can be saved from divorce, but it has a lot to do with pride and trust...letting go of the pride and being able to forgive and trust again. When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.
_________________________ Be Me 01/18/06 08:38 PM
Finally_free, Excuse me for butting in, I have not read your posts in entirety but I first thought is, BUDDY LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND YOU WILL SEE THE PROBLEM!!!!!! YOU can change the situation if you want to try and you should. Have you ever tried to learn her love language? I would guess her tank is empty and has been for a long time. Yours may be empty also but that can be remedied. I could have written some of what you did but in looking back I see it was ME who was in a crisis, everything my W did I saw as wrong, controlling, selfish, etc.
Make changes in yourself. I wish I had earlier in my life. I walked out on my W because she provoked me so badly, but she was really wanting me to be a better, more Godly man. So part of me remembers and understands what you say, but look to yourself, make the changes inside, the rewards will be there eventually. Sorry if I came across harsh, but your attitude flipped my trigger. And I was bad enough that my W was wishing I was dead or would get killed. Bruce
Finally free--I can understand how you did not feel love or support from your wife- my H often said the same. I did and do love my H more than I have loved anyone- my actions did not always show that though!! I tried my best to be an amazing mom to my 4 kids- so much that I had nothing left to give for myself or my husband. Now that the kids are getting a bit older 2, 4, 4 and 9--I can take a moment and look at myself and improve myself. It is not that I didn't want to before or that I didn't love him enough to- it was that I wasn't ready emotionally and didn't have a moment to myself from the kids. My H also says too late and the changes are now because I have to. But from all of this pain of him leaving me I have finally found myself and I am changing for myself and my kids and my H if he came back. I also hurt my H and have apologized so many times but see that he hurt me too and we had an unhealthy relationship. That can be changed if both of you would work on it. Also with the kids she will be in your life until the kids are at least 20yrs. old - you won't be free of her. Why not make it work with the love of your life and the mother of your children?? The kids can come out of this OK- but not great- divorce leaves permanent scars-even "good divorces". Research the info. on kids and divorce , research about successes of second marriages, read here about mid life crisis- educate yourself before you fully decide. It is clear you are an intelligent man- read the threads on mid life crisis and the preview chapters from divorce busting that you can read on this website- all interesting reading at least. I hope you have got some of the answers you were looking for from us- you have given all of us a lot of information. thank you
_________________________ MikeinMidland 01/19/06 07:55 AM
FF, Your anger at your wife is dying, because she refuses to feed it. For a while you could get angry at her for not taking the bait, but that's not doing it anymore. You saw the books, and you found the site because you wanted to know what she was up to. You figured out that she has learned not to react when you "push her buttons." But you still think its a trick.
So you are using this board as a proxy for your wife. You are using all the hurtful, arrogant words you used to push her buttons before, and seeing if you can push some buttons here. You want someone to get pissed at you, so that you can re-kindle your anger. And since some of the people on this board are probably just starting to deal with their WAS, you are hitting some nerves. But these people are not your wife. And they will not feed your anger forever. Your anger at your wife is dying. And you needed that anger to re-establish your identity, to give you the strength to be on your own. You were not wrong to leave. It's not fair that she couldn't listen until you were gone, but that's how it is sometimes. But the death of your anger is not the death of your self-determination. New habits take 3 to 6 months to become firmly established. Yours, and hers. You have re-built and established your identity, and she can no longer control it. She no longer wants to. Your anger at your wife is dying, because the wife you knew is gone. Gone. In her place is someone who is sexy as he!! despite being a mother of four, has established some selfconfidence of her own, and is interested in exploring a new relationship with you. Let your anger die. You don't need it anymore. Focus on being the great father to your kids that you are, and try being a friend to your wife. Tell her you don't want a physical relationship yet, or ever, if that's what you want. Try it. Tell her it's for the kids. (They'll be OK either way, but it would be nice if their parents at least got along.) Don't ask her to apologize for anything, and she won't either. Watch her response, test her if you need to, but don't bait her. Good luck, whatever you decide. Mike
_________________________ happy_again 01/19/06 08:11 AM
About the books you ask of I know that she is working very hard on trying to win me back but again I do not really understand her reasons for trying when I have told her over and over again the relationship is now dead and the marriage is over. Look I know she has made great strides to change the way she does things and I do enjoy her more but I have seen her when pushed go back to the old ways. I admit I do push her just to see what she will do. That is wrong but I have to know just how sincere she really is. This woman really destroyed me and IF I were to ever consider changing my mind I would need a guarantee and that my friend is impossible because nobody can do that. My wife was better then me at the finances and she did ask me to help her but it really wasn't my thing. BUT why should I need to ask her for money when I was the one working? I walked around without any money and needed her permission to use the ATM. She decided who got what and how the money was spent. Yes she always gave me what I needed and paid all of the bills there was always food in the house and those things were good but I was not a child. In retrospect I should have been more patient with her. I should have made her feel better about herself but she didn't give me compliments either. I know when I looked good she said nothing. When I asked her about this she said that she didn't want to inflate my ego anymore. I know she was tired and I should have asked about her day but I really didn't want to hear about it. I am being honest I really didn't care to know about this one or that one. I wanted to talk about me and my day. Now she listens to me and acts like she is interested in what I have to say. The woman actually listens to my suggestions and follows my advice and that makes me even madder. So many years were wasted because she couldn't grasp this simple thing.
_________________________ grasshopper 01/19/06 08:38 AM
I will chime in, like so many others, and say that I am grateful that you are here and it sounds like there is room in your heart and life for your wife. I really hope you are able to explore the reality of where she is as a person and where you are now, a year removed from her. If she is anything like me, and I am a controlling person (or was), she got a wake up call like no other when you left. All the conversation in the world, especially if it was in a language she could not understand, would not have gotten that point across from you to her. Now, through DBing and counseling, she has realized, as I have, that other people are not there for us to control or manipulate. I never really knew I was doing it. Sure, if I even stopped for a minute to look at the situation from my W's perspective, I would have but I never did, even when she tried to get me to. It's got to be hard in your situation, and my W's to believe the changes after years of conditioning to the contrary. I really wish you and your wife luck. I hope you let go of some of your anger and give your other feelings a chance. TMU
