I haven't seen a lot of pity parties around here. I do see people who are hurting, and I see others who give them encouragement, not to give up on their marriage. What I see a lot more of, is people admitting where they messed up with their marriages, how they may have pushed their spouse away or taken them for granted. And figuring out how to do it differently, then demonstrating that to their spouse over time, until that spouse can get comfortable that their new behavior is sustained. If you have been out of the house for a year, then this venting you are doing isn't about what she did when you were together. I'm guessing that she contacted your "friend" many months ago, as well, not recently. You are angry that she has stopped chasing after you and lost some weight. That's what we call "Getting a Life." First off, you didn't have kids for maybe 7 years. You made it sound you got her knocked up in high school. No matter how young you got married (and 22 isn't that young) you were plenty mature enough to go into fatherhood with your eyes open. Then, you had 4 kids in 6 years. And she put the kids first. Big surprise. You have the advantage: you can cut your own meat! The youngest is probably in kindergarten, right? Right NOW is when your marriage should have gotten it's "second wind." The kids don't need her so much. She's getting a full night's sleep most of the time. She's got the time and energy to go to the gym and lose that weight you're so fixated on. In a few years the oldest can babysit. I have no idea what you're so pissed about. You didn't like her bugging you all the time. Well she quit, what's the problem? She's lost weight--why should you care? You're done with her. Is she keeping the kids from you? Going to court for more child support? NO. And if you want her back, all you have to do is tell her. Maybe it took you leaving to let her know you were serious, but she has changed. She won't take you for granted again, and you wouldn't let her if she tried. You are like the luckiest man on this site. Just don't wait too long. And maybe you'd better get to the gym yourself, just in case. Because your wife is NOT going to wait for you forever.
Finally Free The thing is as someone who took vows you should have expressed your feelings and you should do everything it takes to save your m. Most WAS are not happier after they leave. You also don't seem to see what you did wrong in yor m and are blaming your w. You need to get healthy otherwise you are just taking the baggage from your m with you. You won't be happy until you can work on your issues and know where you went wrong in your m and are able to forgive yourself and your w. One of the first lessons in being a WAS is learning where we went wrong, taking responsability for our own actions and working on changes to make us better people, better spouses, parents etc. It seems you have not looked at your responsability in your m.
Wow.....I don't know where all your anger here stems from. But it is apparent in your harsh statements. You totally avoided my question as to whether or not your W is on this board. At any rate.......I'll play ball here.
Quote: Maybe some of you left behind spouses don't get it.
StrongEnough: No, I think most of us get it. That is why we DB to change ourselves for ourselves. When DB'ing...it's for US not the our spouse's benefit.
Quote: There is a reason we left you, do you ever look at yourselves and your own actions or just have continual pity parties about how badly you were treated.
StrongEnough: Well, I suppose a little bit of both. When spouses walk out, no matter how bad things were in the marriage, it is a shock to us. For better or worse. Some of us took our vows seriously. It's not our fault our spouses didn't. I think we deserve a little bit of pity here and there from the damage the WAS does to the family unit. Are you not here having your own little party?
Quote: Stop acting like you didn't see this coming.
StrongEnough: Again, for better or worse.
Quote: never committed adultery, I didn't steal or lie or use drugs or become an alcoholic or beat my wife.
StrongEnough: That's great. How about emotional or verbal abuse? Calling her manipulative, B!tch, etc. could be taken as verbal abuse. Did you ever act out when fighting I.e. throw things, break things? Emotional abuse...scare tactic..and manipulation all rolled into one. WAS's are rarely, if ever, perfect and flawless.
Quote: All I wanted was to be heard and loved and noticed and to stop being treated like a stranger in my own house. I guess my expectations are this, why should I not feel like the victim?
StrongEnough: Financial support is one thing. Emotional support is another. I am not going to disagree with your victim statement. You are very much a victim. Just as we all are and our WAS's are. THe difference between the left behind spouse and walk away spouse is that we are victims of different circumstance.
Quote: Why does everyone feel sorry for her and the kids?
StrongEnough: I'm, guessing that's because walked away from them all. Do YOU feel bad for walking away from your children? I think you need to take an honest look at yourself here. Are you just angry that now your wife is changing into the person you always needed her to be, and it took you leaving to make that person come out? You think that her changing is another way to manipulate you. Are you 100% certain that she even wants you back? You are only giving us bits and pieces of your situation and the angry tone that I am picking up on in your posts is a bit alarming. Am I bashing you? Maybe, but a little part of me thinks you came on this board to try and stir up some sh!t. You can correct me if I am wrong.
I think that if I didn't know better you could be my H but let me tell you what I think I think you are a self centered s.o.b and you really don't need to be here b/c you have already made up your mind to leave well if I was your wife I think I would be glad you left but the people here are holding out hope to save their M's and be friends if nothing else if that's not your intention then you have already answered your question with your user name finally free then be free and see what it gets you. Do you know the statics on kids in D and that atleast 60% of 2nd. M end in D. I hope that I didn't offend you but if I did then I guess you deserve it and even though my H has filed and it looks as though I will be getting D I want to be his friend for the sake of my kids and I think you should do the same I haven't read anything that is positive in your post to save your M so i think you should find somewhere else to get advice b/c here is not the place for you.Joa.
_________________________ AmyC 01/18/06 03:34 PM
Your anger comes from the fact that she is still in your heart and now that she has changed, you just might have to do the same. And change sucks, we all know that. But it's necessary and it's a good thing and you need to do it. How's the situation looking with the mirror now facing you, feeling_free? I noted something in your last post.
Quote: I just don't want to be controlled anymore I am sick of cowering to her. She took care of everything and I let her which was my mistake, but she wouldn't ever let go of the steering wheel when it was time to hand it over.
To that I ask: Who decided when it was "time to hand it over" and how did you let her know that?
Keep posting. This is a good place to work out all that anger constructively. Your original post had an eye-opening effect on me, like it did on so many others. You are here for a reason.
_________________________ T2SP 01/18/06 03:34 PM
I want to clarify a couple things. I made it in my post sound like I agree with the way you treat your wife...I don't. I don't find anything positive about your posts. I just got to see in writing what my H must have felt (yes, past tense) like. After rereading your post I find you are totally opposite of my H. At least he is man enough to give me another chance. He never called me names or verbally abused me. We are still separate but we get along now and things seem to be getting better. This shows that people do change and people should be given a second chance. After reading again on here I see you as the one who is pushing. If you think it is over then why do you care what she thinks now? I don't see it as interferring with your relationship with your friend. If it was only friendship then your "friend" shouldn't have gotten upset. You are the one that lost your wifes trust. It sounds to me you are the reason she turned into the person she was. You handed her your paycheck...you could have done the bills and stuff together. It sounds like you were coming home to "mom" to take care of you. That is why you got upset that her attention went from you to the kids. You seem jealous of the attention they got. You said something about not giving her false hope. Well, to me you are doing that because if after a year she still has hope then you must be doing something to make her feel this way.
Quote: Wouldn't you know it, now she has lost the weight, and looks great, but she wouldn't do it for me when I asked her to.
T2SP: You should have loved her no matter what she looked like. A person should never lose weight or try to change themselves for someone else. They do things for themselves.
Quote: Besides if she cared why doesn't she ever call me why do I have to be the one to make all of the calls? She used to call non stop, now I never hear from her unless it is about the kids.
T2SP: Isn't this what you want? I thought you didn't want anything to do with her? You need to make up your mind on this.
Quote: I am a much better person now
T2SP: If you think you are a much better person now then I would really hate to have known you before.
Quote: Besides if I went back to her if I took a chance she would think she was right and that would make me weak again, and I will not be that man again.
T2SP: It would not make you weak. I think it makes you weak just giving up and giving in. Sorry for the harshness but I just wanted to give my opinion.
It was my wifes job to take care of everything in the house. She had the luxury of staying home with the children, that was not the issue. She expected me to buy flowers and romance her but none of my attempts were ever good enough. I finally told her to buy them for herself, she had the checkbook. She should have bettered herself, got an education or a job instead of living her life through mine. When she offered to get a job it was always something stupid like in a store as a clerk or at Target. My wife is not stupid, but never amounted to anything other then a housewife. She spent the money on the kids and the house, never bought nice things to make herself look good, hardly wore make up, just a real frump. I work with beautiful women and my wife was an embarassment to me. My words were not abusive, but she didn't get it. I would end up yelling at her because she refused to listen to me. I begged her to change and she refused to. Now she wears the tight jeans and the fancy clothes that are bought with my money but she didn't do it for me and I begged for years. I would have liked to show her off but I was ashamed of how she looked. She used to be beautiful and sexy and she let herself go. I always apologized when she would start crying and I did feel bad for her, but she should have taken a hint. I thought by telling her that I found her unattractive she would want to go to the gym and make an effort, and yes she did go, but not consistently like I did. We could have worked out together, but she said she was embarassed to do that in front of me, I did try. She started covering herself up, and never let me see her body anymore because she said I made her feel ugly. That was not my intent. I will admit I probably handled that the wrong way she was never really that fat, but I wanted her to look like she did before. I will apologize for that I will admit when I am wrong. I will also admit that I am jealous that she doesn't act like she wants me anymore and is moving on, but she still acts like she cares about me and that makes me madder then hell. Is she a martyr? It would be easier to divorce her if she hated me. As for the children, I do love them and I am in their lives as much as I can be. They know I love them and they will understand more when they are older. I am not trying to make you people mad, and in answer to your question I do not know if my wife posts here or not. She has the books, I have seen them at the house. I am not sure at this point why I am still so angry as it is a year since I left her. I do have a life but I don't think she will ever just go away. And yes I do feel guilty. But I can not undo what I have done I have come too far now and made a life for myself without her in it. I also know she will throw this in my face for the rest of my life and that is not how I want to live anymore.
This screams of self esteem and communication issues. The self esteem is the most important now. She didn't do it for you because she needs to do it for herself to feel better about herself. Your communication to her probably only reenforced the way she felt and now she feels free. I am not blaming you directly but you seem like a contributer and now she feels free and may blame you in her head. Bored people become really boring and that what you make your W sound like, she was bored.
I really appreciate your candor. You've made some really good points. I know it's not what many people like to hear but I still think it's a truthful statement from you. Thanks for sharing your insights and thoughts.
