I read robx's entire thread today and find it amazing that he was so effective with his DBing once he snapped. It also made me think about some things about myself that don't make me feel too good.
My W had/has complaints similar to Rob's about the way he felt in the relationship, even though he was the one still fighting for the marriage.
"it was never enough to work (part)-time, come home, clean home, do laundry, bathe kids, do homework w/them, make meals, and take care of finances. I won't go back to her always being about (himself), never asking about me, never seeing how I am, never asking about work, never talking to me like a friend, asking me if I need anything, want anything, never a funny joke, never an interesting story to share - (he) gives that energy to everyone else except for me and that is seriously boring & harmful at the same time." But I was always good enough to have sex with.
Now, I didn't feel like I was neglecting her at the time, but reading Rob's post has made me understand that this is also how SHE felt about the MR. Makes me feel lie a real a$$.
"If they do hook up with their spouse again, they'll maintain these "new" behaviors for a limited period of time, get comfortable again and the WAS will leave after they see the changes weren't real."
I have been accused of this situation, where she complained a long, long time ago, before we were married, and I changed for a while, but then everything changed back. Hard to defend myself here, but there WERE things that I did do that she doesn't really give me credit for. Things like home repairs, painting the houses, re-roofing the house, putting in fences, painting fences, building a shed, putting in concrete, clearing trees and brush, mowing lawn, shoveling snow. Most of these things she didn't help me with either, even when I asked. One Saturday I spent the afternoon cleaning the house with her. I asked if she planned to reciprocate and help me pull stumps for an afternoon on the back hill. What do you suppose her response was? "Of course not." Why am I also not worthy of help?
She also accused me of the temper tantum effect, just like Rob's wife. I do have a short temper and when working on projects, I do tend to get frustrated and bitch a lot, but I didn't bitch at her, I just griped and cursed about the project I was working on. Apparently, she found this to be very stressful to her, which I guess I can understand, even if it wasn't aimed at her.
The there were the times when she would turn me down for sex and I would pout and be grumpy to try to get my way, or I would keep pestering her until she gave in. After all, I didn't think it was that big of a deal to give up 20 minutes for me. Apparently, it WAS.
I don't know. All of this stuff makes me feel terrible about myself and that maybe I really do deserve to lose her. Nothing I have done has caused any change in her behavior. Maybe I just need to accept this situation for what it is.
