Wife abandoned me...Now What?

[Mike.4545]

Very good points MrBond...Thank you!

"There's never a definite "time period". It's up to you how long you want to stay in this."

I know there isn't a set time-period for this sort of thing...I'm just starting to feel like I'm reaching the end of mine. I just don't want to walk away without feeling like I've done everything possible to save this marriage.

"If you're saying this sarcastically, then you haven't learned anything. This is what she needed/needs."

Honestly, I was being a little sarcastic about his attempts to say he would never do anything in his life without her. That seems like a load of B.S. most any jerk would say to try and hook up with a girl. Though I obviously needed improvement in the time/and type of things I did with my W, I certainly have never met a single couple/friends/family members in my life that wanted to spend every waking moment with each other. In the end, I really spent a lot of time and effort doing things for and with my wife that I thought would show her how much I loved her. My mistake was that these were not always the things SHE was looking for. If given the chance, this is very easily correctable as it has become much more clear to me what it takes to make her feel the love she wants.

"She doesn't want it now from you because you weren't providing her with it before. Right now when you do it, it's being clingy and needy."

"Well the OM was able to make her feel like her soulmate and he doesn't even live around her. So you don't need physical closeness to touch your W's emotions."

And herein lies my dilemma of engaging her to some degree, without it coming off as needy clingy pursuit. THIS is my biggest issue to figure out right now. How much is too much, and how much is not enough? Physical contact is not needed to touch her emotions, as he did this through spending a lot of time talking to her every single day for months. Problem is the same though, I also can't talk with her every day without it again coming of as needy and clingy.

"When you are with her, are you lighthearted and confident or do you interact with her like a puppy dog trying to get your master's attention? Have you been leading or following?"

Without a doubt, she has seen nothing but a lighthearted, confident, and positive me for months now. I've also been leading through example by continuing counseling even though she isn't going, improving myself, reading lots of material on marriage/relationships and sharing it with her, owning my mistakes, taking care of our house, puppy, and financial responsibilities etc.

[MrBond]

"wanted to spend every waking moment with each other. "

This is the "romantic" part. Of course reality can't match that, but it's the "idea" that got her excited. When you would tuck her into bed, you sound more like a dad than a husband or a lover. And it's a lover that she wanted.

Fact is that you can't make someone love you.

You've got two options: 1) Cut all contact and make yourself scarce to see if she notices. or 2) Go back in your memory to the very first time you were dating and start treating her like someone brand new. Get to re-know her first.

You could also try doing number 2 first, try it for a couple of weeks and if that doesn't improve things, go for the first option.

[pookie69]

You've got two options: 1) Cut all contact and make yourself scarce to see if she notices. or 2) Go back in your memory to the very first time you were dating and start treating her like someone brand new. Get to re-know her first.

Good point. Look at my tagline.

It will take hard work. You've lost something valuable that you need to get back.

[Mike.4545]

LOL, well I usually did very un-fatherly things with her prior to tucking her in! I never fell short in that regard =O)

All kidding aside, thanks for your input. I think I'll try for the second approach first. Thinking back to the first stages of dating any girl including my wife, I think I may try to engage her through conversation about everything in her life aside from our situation of course. Just try to get her talking and sharing about herself. Girls love conversation and everyone loves talking about themselves. I'll just do the listening.

If I don't have any luck with that over the next month then I think it just might be time to drop the rope, go dark, and wait for her to show interest or file.

I really don't think I can do this any longer than a couple more months.

[pookie69]

Stay cool.

Don't wait.

Lead.

Alicia: Well, you never believed in me anyways. So what's the difference?
Devlin: It's lucky for both of us that I didn't. It wouldn't have been pretty if I'd believed in you. If I'd figured, she'll never be able to go through with it, she's been made over by love.
Alicia: If you only once had said that you loved me. Oh, Dev.
Devlin: Listen, you've chalked up another boyfriend, that's all. No harm done.
Devlin: There's no occasion to, you're doing good work.

[Mike.4545]

HAHA...I'm trying to keep cool! Trying very hard!

What is the stuff you posted there at the bottom pookie?

[Mike.4545]

Welp...found out the last four months of No-Contact with OM was BS. They are together right now.

I think this is it for me. My heart doesn't crush any further. She's gonna file or I will.

YAY LIFE!

=O(

[dbmod]

Aw, I'm sorry Mike. Are you sure that's what you want...and are you really sure they are together?

[Mike.4545]

No dbmod, it isn't what I want...but I can't keep doing this. I know they are together right now out of town. I already called her out and she didn't play dumb like she did all the other times.

I don't have any idea how I would stop her at this point...or if I even should.

[FaithnAK]

No dbmod, it isn't what I want...but I can't keep doing this. I know they are together right now out of town. I already called her out and she didn't play dumb like she did all the other times.

I don't have any idea how I would stop her at this point...or if I even should.

Read Page 230 of Divorce Remedy. See if that helps you figure things out.