New Knitting

[NotCrackingUp]

I'm okay. In another thread, you wrote that my H seemed childish and lost. That's true. Even I can see immaturity where I didn't before. He's always been very manly, but in an "all action, no words" way. Often only listened to his own needs and hated being crossed. I was able to deal with that for years because he also has good sides, needed me and was loving towards me. And faithful.
The affair and his way of dealing with things have really opened my eyes to his lack of maturity and his selfish streak.But Iknow all of these situations are so complex. No-one is getting his side of the story. I was faithful and loving, but maybe he found certain aspects of my personality hard to take too.
I don't honestly know if I want him back at present. Or in another form, maybe.
I only know I want myself back. I got lost in our R. I bent over backwards to please the un-pleaseable, and lost sight of the person I was. My sister has recently told me she finds that I now resemble the person she once knew whom she thought lost forever. That shocked me. She said I looked younger than I have done for years and have never seemed more relaxed. Said I was always on edge and timourous around my H. I hadn't realized what was happening. My H is not a monster, far from it. But in trying to be what I thought he wanted, I lost him and myself into the bargain. So I'm setting out to find the tracks of the girl I was before this man. I'll feel lonely, I miss him (the good sides), but it'll be worth it if I can feel at ease with myself at 46. Better late than never. So I've already started to change, if my little sister is to be believed. And who knows? Maybe my H will remember why he married me. But he'd better get his skates on...
NCU