Wife abandoned me...Now What?

[sandi2]

Try not to make any major decisions for now. Just rest and take care of "you". Puppy, Allen, and some others will see your message and will start to give you the information of why exposure is necessary.

[Deep]

I see Puppy making posts so I don't doubt he will be dropping by one of your threads shortly .

Mike, I know it's hard but you have to let go of certain things, including fear, fear of your M being over, fear of your W's reaction, and stop letting her dictate how you feel, or the state of your M itself.

She's responsible for her part, re-claim your own. Even now, you are trying to fix things for her thinking she might be "pushed" to D becuase of the pain / mess she has caused. She's an adult, nobody forced her to go to OM. Let her take the consequences fully. In fact, you should be ENFORCING the consequences of broken boundaries if anything.

And I hope you follow Puppy closely on the his advice on exposure. Good luck!

[Mike.4545]

Well I haven't posted on this thread in quite some time. I took my thread over to the Infidelity section to get help but all those threads have since been removed.

It's now been about 7 months since the bomb, and 4 months since my W ended her affair...or at least stopped communication with the OM. She agreed to transparency to show this.

My wife has only been to our counselor twice and doesn't seem too inclined to return. I've kept myself from pursuing behavior as much as possible, I've been GAL, showing her a better, upbeat & positive me whenever we interact, and we only communicate maybe 1 or 2 times a week...usually just short notes via email about our dog, the house, etc.

I'm really trying to be patient as much as I possibly can, but have to say that I'm struggling very much right now to continue. There just doesn't seem to be any progress and it's really wearing on me. She hasn't discussed anything about divorce for a few months, but I feel like she's just trying to give me time to get back on my feet before she files. She says she still feels the same, yet she hasn't taken any steps to actually help our situation. It's like she's just sitting around waiting for something in her to change and I know it just doesn't work like that. She's still friendly with me, asks how I'm doing from time-to-time, bought be a card, present, and cake for my birthday, but is at the same time, still distant.

I really don't know what to do right now. Keep waiting, encourage her to continue counseling, let her go and move on?

[MrBond]

Where are you and your W living?

[Mike.4545]

Where are you and your W living?

I live in our house. She wanted out and got herself an apartment which she pays for.

[MrBond]

Have you tried engaging? Maybe in your case, totally going dark isn't working. Have you tried going 'dim'?

That is, call her every now and then to see how she's doing. Ask her for coffee to catch up. Small things. You need to establish some kind of positive feeling in her to start the ball rolling.

[Mike.4545]

MrBond,

I haven't been completely dark...actually Dim like you say.

Other than a checking in with her to see how she's doing, I've engaged her from time-to-time for casual things like shopping for curtains for the house, going to a movie, watching/going to our college's football games, having dinner, going on motorcycle rides, etc.

Some things she participates in, but most of the time she declines. We are on very friendly terms, but will usually say that doing a certain activity is too "hard" for her.

I try to space-out any invitations for these types of activities so I don't come off as to pursuing, and in between have relatively little communication with her. Although it's difficult, I've kept any relationship talk out of our interactions for quite some time.

[MrBond]

When you two are together, do you feel any "connection" or do you get the "dead eyes" look? If you know what I mean.

Affairs are like addictions it takes awhile to detox. She could be pining for what she had with the OM. What was it that he had or that she thought she had that you didn't?

What were some of her complaints of you during your marriage?

[Mike.4545]

It's hard to say about the connection. Sometimes I feel a slight amount, and other times not so much. More often then not, she feels distant, but sometimes I get a short warm feeling from her.

Her affair lasted about 4 months, and she has been without contact also for 4 months now. I just don't know how much time I should wait before I start looking for some kind of positive sign.

I'm not terribly sure what her relationship with the OM had that ours didn't...Probably emotional closeness as it started as an emotional relationship mostly through email and phone calls talking about problems she had with out relationship. Those are as follows:

1. I didn't go to bed at the same time as her very often
2. She thought I always put spending time with friends before her
3. I didn't take her on dates very often
4. She didn't feel like I enjoyed spending time with her
5. Overall that I just didn't spend enough time with her or make her the #1 priority in my life

So this other guy gets in her ear saying he didn't know what I was thinking, that he would spend every waking hour with her, would always go to bed at the same time as her no matter what, would never leave her alone to spend time with friends etc. Seriously he said this stuff, and she said the way he looked at her made her feel special.

I've tried to address all those issues as best I can and show her that she really is the most important thing in my life, and that I love spending time with her...But it's quite difficult when we don't live together anymore, don't talk much, and doing too much would be pursuing.

[MrBond]

"I just don't know how much time I should wait before I start looking for some kind of positive sign."

There's never a definite "time period". It's up to you how long you want to stay in this.

"Seriously he said this stuff, and she said the way he looked at her made her feel special."

If you're saying this sarcastically, then you haven't learned anything. This is what she needed/needs.

"I've tried to address all those issues as best I can and show her that she really is the most important thing in my life, and that I love spending time with her..."

She doesn't want it now from you because you weren't providing her with it before. Right now when you do it, it's being clingy and needy.

"But it's quite difficult when we don't live together anymore, don't talk much, and doing too much would be pursuing."

Well the OM was able to make her feel like her soulmate and he doesn't even live around her. So you don't need physical closeness to touch your W's emotions.

When you are with her, are you lighthearted and confident or do you interact with her like a puppy dog trying to get your master's attention? Have you been leading or following?