Thank you all for the birthday wishes. It really has been nice to hear from so many people today. My phone, FB, email... the good wishes keep coming.
It is one benefit, I guess, to all of this. H's pulling away forced me to reach out and end my long stay-at-home-mom-induced issolation. It is one change in myself that is non-negotiable in any future relationship, whether it is (hopefully) with H, or maybe even someone else some day.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Happy birthday to me it was! I DBed like a pro, kept my expectations very low, but acted “as if” everything were going great. And here is the kicker… it was great. It was in all seriousness, the most thoughtful birthday H has ever planned for me in the 14 years we have been together.
Here is the rundown from last night… H was acting a little tense and uncertain when I got there, but I kept acting like everything was fine. H started to relax after a bit.
The gifts were not expensive, but really thoughtful. H had helped D3 make me a special drawing and a card. He got me fancy chocolate, socks (H knew I needed some warm dress socks), and framed a picture for my desk at work of D3 with some art she had done.
There was a beautiful homemade cake that H & D3 had made. H doesn’t really even like making or eating cake. It had chocolate icing and raspberries on top, all decked out with candles that spelled out happy birthday. He even dug out my mom’s antique cake stand for it.
We all went out for sushi. We had fun eating and talking about H’s new restaurant that will be opening soon. We picked up a movie to watch together on the way home. D3 was wiggly and fussy during the movie, but did ok. She ended up moving to the floor to play blocks.
Then… H had his arm behind me on the couch at one point… It felt like an invitation… I snuggled in… He smiled a little… I smiled back and laughed a bit. We didn’t stay that way, but we stayed close through the movie.
H got D3 ready for bed, but she wanted me to read her stories. She fell asleep pretty quickly. H waited while I put D3 down. In the past he would have headed out while I finish putting D3 to bed.
After D3 was in bed I went and sat with H for a bit. We talked about D3 schedule for tomorrow. I told him I had really enjoyed my birthday, thanked him and gave him a “friendly” kiss on the mouth, because it felt ok to do that. He smiled. I went to kiss him again, then just switched to a forehead kiss instead when he seemed to tense a bit.
He said he better go and get some sleep. Instead he reached out to me and asked “Is it ok, even if it doesn’t mean anything?” I told him “Yes, I really want to.” He seemed uncertain about how I would react, but he was the one that asked, I did not offer.
I’m gonna leave the next part out so I don’t get censored…
We had a lot of fun though. H wasn’t drunk, and that was a big reason I said ok. Best time since he lost his job and started to withdraw. He did seem to get nervous at one point though and told me “I hadn’t done this in a long time, and I thought maybe you hadn’t either.” I told him that I hadn’t and he seemed to relax after that.
He gave me a great big bear hug afterwards and we laughed a little. H and I talked for a bit before he left. Tone was light and friendly, mostly just chatting about D3. H said he was picking D3 up earlier that day, but asked if it was ok with me if he hangs out with the two of us for a bit on Saturday when he dropped D3 back off with me. I told him that sounded good. Saturday had originally been just a drop off, now it is a visit with “you two.” That was H’s initiative, BTW, not mine.
So here is what I think… H seemed hesitant, maybe even timid the whole night. It was kind of like… the protective walls were up, but he was reaching through anyway. Maybe this sounds weird, but I think H was leaning on me emotionally. Like he was looking to me for guidance? I was feeling really stable and detached from H’s drama, so maybe that was something he found attractive. Lord knows he has been spinning round in circles himself.
Due to his comment about it having been a “long time,” I am not so sure anymore that H has crossed the line to a PA. Still feel pretty strongly that there is or has been an EA, but not so sure anymore about a PA. An EA would still be a nasty mess, but I sure would like it if he hadn’t “done the deed.”
I think I need to continue to sit back and watch what H is doing. Keep my attitude warm and welcoming, but no invitations, requests to talk, or questions. I’m going to let him take the lead. I’ll keep up the self protection plan too though.
Glad to see that your H seems to want to maintain connection, however, part of your story doesn't sit right with me. You cannot forget that when dealing with an MLCer, believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. You are probably right about the EA. I would NOT be surprised of a PA and that your H is engaging in some "cake eating". I'm not saying that's the case. Only your H knows. But he himself admitted it was sex and nothing more. Are you OK with that? Are you OK with being used for his physical needs alone while he maintains his emotional (and possible physical) relationship with OW? You need think long and hard about what your boundaries are. Don't assume maintaining a physical relationship with H will help bring him back. Don't believe me, ask PEI or better yet, read her threads. I may be way off base here, but I just don't think so. Apologies if this comes across as harsh. In the end, I AM glad you had a great birthday
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Congratulations on having and following a very pro-active strategy. I say this because of one of the other recent posts which seemed to question the wisdom of your approach, suggesting that they had more insight into your husband's motives than anyone could possibly have. This post also seems to suggest that you are just letting things happen to you rather than purposefully following a strategy.
To me - from your report of the evening - it sounds like you used the strategy of acting as if perfectly. Think of all the different ways you could have ruined the evening and acted contrary to your own goals. Yet, you chose and followed the one approach most likely to allow the evening to go well and thereby contribute to your goals.
I don't know what your husbands state of mind is or what his motives are. I don't know what he really does or doesn't do. No one can and no one does. All of us know there are many possibilities. Yet, when it's said and done, your strategy and approach has the potential to work no matter what those possibilities are.
I respect the fact you were able to let the evening evolve and find out where your H would go when you weren't pursuing. If he had just come through the door and wanted to have sex, that would be one thing. But when you look at the overall context of the evening, your approach to the situation, and the overall trend lines - there is reason to believe you are making progress. Remember - as many of the success testimonials on this website will tell you - this is a process, not an instant event.
Before this birthday, you were having a bit of a low. Yet - you collected yourself and approached this evening with a plan. You pro-acted rather than re-acted. And how did this work for you, for your goals?
Thanks for weighing in Albuquerque. I'm really wrestling with this, and probably will be for the next few days.
I think you are right about the "cake eating," but in this case I don’t think that is all there is to it. Based on a previous conversation H & I had about a week or two ago, I read his "doesn't mean anything" comment to mean he hasn't made a decision regarding our R or coming home - not that he doesn't care about me. One thing I am sure of, and I really do mean sure of, is that H loves me. Another thing I am sure of is that our #1 obstacle in our R is, to be blunt... sex.
After D3 came along, the whole physical side of our R took a back seat. No sleep, constant screaming from reflux pain (even on medication), and both of us over focused on our baby… it all took a toll. After H lost his job last year though, he withdrew. I think it was a much deeper depression than I originally believed. H started drinking more. Sex started to go downhill. Way… downhill. And there was a lot less of it going on. I now believe that the drinking was the biggest contributing factor to that, though there were others. The more H had drank, the more things “just didn’t work.” The more things didn’t work, the less either one of us wanted to try.
When I got the ILYBNILWY speech, the one thing that just blew me away was that H had counted the number of times we had sex in the last year. I somewhat disagree that the number was as low as he said, but it was REALLY low. 6. Ouch. During the speech, H also said we were “more like roommates,” another comment that makes me believe that lack of sex is maybe his main reason for leaving and turning to someone else. Shortly after leaving, H once said that he felt that I had rejected him a long time ago.
So here is what I am struggling with… Sex won’t fix this, but I don’t think it can be healed without it. H is extremely fragile regarding this entire subject. I don’t think I can convince him that there is hope in this matter by talking about it. If anything, at this point I think talking about it will only add to the stress H feels about this and make him run even more. The only way seems to be to show him that there is some hope. Most of the other pieces of our R are really in good shape, or at least still intact.
As far as OW, I am sure that H has someone else on some level. How far it has gone, I can’t be sure. I have to assume the worst though. I’m a big girl, and I know how to protect myself from an STD. Protecting me emotionally will be much more difficult, but right now I feel ok. Really ok. For now.
Congratulations on having and following a very pro-active strategy. I say this because of one of the other recent posts which seemed to question the wisdom of your approach, suggesting that they had more insight into your husband's motives than anyone could possibly have.
OYS2,
This seems to be a pattern with you, where you pop onto people's threads and criticize the help and advice they've received so far. What gives?
Zen -- like all posters -- are free to use or discard any advice they're given, if they don't feel it suits their sitch. There's really no reason to delegitimize the help that she gets.
Thanks for weighing in Albuquerque. I'm really wrestling with this, and probably will be for the next few days.
I think you are right about the "cake eating," but in this case I don't think that is all there is to it. Based on a previous conversation H & I had about a week or two ago, I read his "doesn't mean anything" comment to mean he hasn't made a decision regarding our R or coming home - not that he doesn't care about me. One thing I am sure of, and I really do mean sure of, is that H loves me.
Me too Zen. And no one knows for sure, but I can tell you I THOUGHT I did, I was very sure, about a lot of stuff. You are right, the intimacy will keep a connection. You seem strong and aware. So did I. Honey, I'm not saying your not, but PLEASE make sure you are really tuned into your internal voice (the 'whisper' as I call it).
Originally Posted By: hope for zen
As far as OW, I am sure that H has someone else on some level. How far it has gone, I can't be sure. I have to assume the worst though. I'm a big girl, and I know how to protect myself from an STD. Protecting me emotionally will be much more difficult, but right now I feel ok. Really ok. For now.
You do seem to be far more aware of where you are mentally and emotionally than I was. My background story played into the dynamic for me too. Feel free to read my threads for my perspective on how this played out ...
Please, just be careful ... and good luck to you
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
