Be careful you don't rebound!!

[flowmom]

Well I guess I am in a new rebound relationship -- almost my second already!

"Rebound" has a negative connotation, but I guess I don't believe that rebound relationships are necessarily negative. I don't believe that all sexual/romantic relationships necessary have to be long term or lead to marriage in order to be a positive force in both people's lives.

After the shocking and unexpected abandonment by my STBXH in January, I was heartbroken and devastated. I had to do a LOT of grieving and personal work and take ADs just to get to the point where I was functioning and able to feel anything positive. I also DBed pretty hardcore for six months -- the time that I had given my STBXH to "change his mind". But there was NO indication of any doubt in his mind...he was DONE.

After 8 months I was GALing, had come a lot way towards accepting the end of my M, was feeling some optimism about my life. I saw STBXH in a more realistic way and was recognizing the positives of not being married to him.

But I was fixated on him as a romantic/sexual partner. I couldn't "break the spell". I was also feeling a huge personal vitality and desire to express myself as a woman and to live the passion that had been buried for so many years in my marriage.

I decided that I was ready to start dating and since I never meet unattached men I decided to do online dating, starting in late July. My new boyfriend (Guitarist) was the first man who contacted me on the site, the only man who I've dated through the dating site, and we had our first date (coincidentally) on what would have been the 10th anniversary with STBHX. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?

All I can say is that I am open to heartbreak and disappointment with this relationship, because the blessings of my time with Guitarist are so huge. We have incredibly similar situations, needs, and gifts to offer one another. It may well be a rebound situation, but it's also very healing. We are both mature adults and we recognize that we don't have a crystal ball to know where this relationship is going. We are ready to let things unfold as we continue to get to know one another.

We both went through years of lack of love, attention and sex in our marriages and we are both going through personal rennaissances where we are enjoying our lives and renewing ourselves through GAL and stengthening ourselves as individuals. We are both involved and devoted parents, with a lot of work and "life stuff" that doesn't allow for a lot of time together. We can fill one another's cup with passion, affection, and appreciation. It is a lovely experience. As mature adults who have been through a lot, we are focused on being in the present and we don't take for granted the intoxication of spending time together.

We were not cautious in how we proceeded in our relationship. Our first meeting was three hours of walking, talking, and instant attraction and connection. Sharing our passion started on our second date. There hasn't been any foolishness in terms of fast-forwarding to the future, but things have moved very fast, with becoming boyfriend/girlfriend after 10 dates (some pretty long/overnight ones ).

I am trying to follow my gut here, and pay attention to what feels right and what doesn't. I was also dating another man at one point (not at the same time as Guitarist) and that showed me that I still have "hooks" and am capable of being attracted to a man like STBXH. It was good to notice how uncomfortable and anxious I felt in that situation, especially compared to how I feel with Guitarist. I feel safe with Guitarist and I think that my intuition is a very helpful guide.

I am lucky that I have close friends who give me feedback on growth. They wouldn't push me towards dating if they thought I wasn't ready. But when I thought I was ready to date, they encouraged me to go for it. They helped me to look at the worst case scenario: if a guy dumped me or I got hurt, how much would it hurt and how long would it take me to get over it? I realized that I could afford to take the risk with some belief in my personal strength. That was tested when "hook" guy dumped me after 5 weeks of dating where a lot was clicking, but the emotional connection wasn't there on his part. It hurt and it triggered feelings of abandonment and unloveability from the separation. But I also recognized that it was all the same stuff and I was able to recover and move on relatively quickly.

I am blissed out with new Guitarist, but also committed to
* dealing with the harsh life stuff of needing to increase my income, dealing with legal/financial stuff, etc.
* intense counselling for my procrastination issues
* continuing to GAL in ways other than Guitarist
* continuing to put my children first (they are totally unaware of Guitarist being in my life)
* continuing to work on relationship with STBXH to achieve my goal of a relaxed, friendly, collaborative coparenting relationship

I think it's a mistake to generalize about relationships and the path that people need to take. As Gypsy wrote, being velcroed to the sidelines and not taking risks can be negative too.

Recognizing that I don't have the perspective and experience of many who are posting here, I guess the advice that I could give to anyone is:

* do whatever you need to do to become strong as an individual

* face reality 100% in every area of life and deal with anything that needs to be dealt with

* if you have children, put them first

* don't follow guidelines about dating and relationships...if you want to date then look at what the rewards could be of taking risks as well as your own ability shoulder the consequences if things don't work out

* when connecting with another human being, don't be stuck in the past, don't project forward to the future, just be in the present and tuned into how you are feeling and what you are experiencing now -- being in the present is the only way that we can live on the edge while maintaining our personal safety

* be open to having a relationship that's right for the present -- it's not a failure to have a short- or medium-term relationship that is healthy but doesn't lead to marriage or long-term commitment

* doing personal work is very important, but humans are designed to grow and evolve in relationship...no matter how we perfect ourselves in a vaccuum, it's often in relationship that we see ourselves mirrored, experience the triggers, etc. that allow us to develop and differentiate as people

Thanks for all the stories and advice in this thread. It's very interesting even though it seems that I'm in the minority with my experience and perspective, perhaps because I haven't walked down the road toward (and past) divorce as far as most of you.