I don't understand the "making it harder" part. I'm not saying it can't/work, because I just don't know. But it does seem like playing games to me, which is almost always destined to fail. Why not tell just tell them that if you're serious, here are my requirements. They either meet them or they don't.
I don't understand the "making it harder" part. I'm not saying it can't/work, because I just don't know. But it does seem like playing games to me,
Being careful isn't playing games. You know what is playing games? Having an affair, blaming your spouse for the affair, then when the affair falls apart, running to your spouse because you feel needy, but when they're too happy just to be there, you remember you don't really want them and are just saying that, so you dump them all over again.
Not being too easy is about not letting your ego drive everything, not being too happy just to be there (Yay! She now says she wants me. I win, I win, I win!), and taking the time to make sure this is all real because you know you don't deserve to be treated that way.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I don't understand the "making it harder" part. I'm not saying it can't/work, because I just don't know. But it does seem like playing games to me, which is almost always destined to fail. Why not tell just tell them that if you're serious, here are my requirements. They either meet them or they don't.
Because the Good Things in life aren't easily attained -- they are worked for. And the effort expended in trying to attain them is directly proportional to our intentions, in my opinion.
I'm not advocating game-playing. I'm saying that Pcola should REALLY BE skeptical at this point, he REALLY SHOULD think "I'm not sure how I feel about this right now." Anyone who's been stabbed before (and my wife has never cheated on me, but people tell me it's like you've been stabbed in the chest) SHOULD be understandably skeptical when their once-attacker now stands before you, asking to dance.
I think you need to proceed with a little healthy skepticism if you don't want to keep running in the same circles.
If she's sincere, she will prove it. If she's not, then nothing has changed except possibly the affair is going through a rough patch, or it has ended. Who knows. She is likely to be on her own roller coaster of sorts, so be careful, take your time, and be a little skeptical right now.
If this moves toward reconcillation, it's still a long road ahead for BOTH of you.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
she was sleeping with the tkd instructor? i taught she just had a crush on him?
Then you have a different definition of "crush" than I do, Steve:
Originally Posted By: Pensacolabroken
I have been married to my WAW for 20 years. She supported me through a 20 year military career and I recently retired. She was always my cheerleader and friend.
We decided that I would take a job that pays very well overseas for a few months to get some money to pay off some debt.
10 years ago, I was on a long (10 month) deployment. I notice my WAW was mentioning an OM often and I asked her how she felt about him, she said it was nothing.. but I did tell her if she was lonely, I would understand if there was a physical ONLY relationship.. but she had to be honest about the whole deal.. I truly thought if I let her do what she wanted she wouldnt leave me.. maybe not even see this guy.
up this point neither of us were unfaithful.
I returned and she gave me all the details and we had a tough time for a week or so, but I told her I understood. Then about a couple of months later and after we had our Son, she wanted to see the guy again. I consented on the grounds she tell me every detail. I would find myself less jealous and she was honest about each encounter.. the intimacy was there and I saw her sexually sparked. Our love making increased.
We moved away in 2003 and started enjoying raising our son. The spark kinda died out of our sex life. I started to bring up her times with the OM and while the thoughts of intimacy were there for me, she pulled away.
this was off an on for the last couple of years and I have asked her to discuss it with me but she refuses and refused.
fast forward to August 2010. I am on a deployment to another country in my new civilian job and WAW emails start to turn.. I ask why she is pulling away and notice a Tae KWondo partner is now a FB friend. I asked about him an she insists it is nothing. I notice her story about where she is and where she was dont match and she is more and more reluctant to Skype or email me.
She pulled away.
She told my Dad and her Sister (our 2 closest relatives) that sheis going to ask me for a divorce when I get home. She said she had too much respect to do it while I was gone.
She is a great mother and has been a great wife, friend and lover. I see that my actions of pulling her towards me and fighting with her while she has been confiding in a OM who build her up all the time led her to become more and more attached to this guy.
At first her answer for a divorce was "I am not happy" She said no one else was involved. I did all the things your not supposed to do.. I agreed with her desire to divorce, I begged and pleaded with her not to do this, I cried, I yelled, etc.. then I stopped. I told her simply I want to continue to be married.
She took her rings off. She is living upstairs and I am downstairs.
I noticed an video and picture file that should have been deleted had the OM with her socially and with his kids and our Son. OM is divorced same age. In Tae Kwondo with her 2 times a week.
She got a new phone plan all hers. I went to the old provider and got the phone and text records and discovered she and the OM were TXT phoning from 11 August to Labor Day.. then they stopped contact. (probably FB and Email though). I confronted the OM by calling the number and he lied he knew she was, so I asked her about him.. she said he is just a friend nothing sexual and he is not the reason we are divorcing.
I asked her to be honest with me and stop lying. I asked her to discuss it with me when she is ready but she needs to be open and he is a barrier to us getting back together.
I started phone coaching here at DB.. I have done my first session and sticking hard witha few setbacks to begin LRT. I am slowing the email, phone and text down. We have a 9 year old and that requires some communication to coordinate.
I sent her an email on Saturday, telling her I understand my actions in our marriage and how I have hurt her and made her feel unimportant by the events of the last 10 years.. but that I am going to accept my responsibility in what I have done and I am seeking counseling.
Se replied back that if I was serious about adressing the issues she would go with me.
I scheduled counseling with a solution based believes in marriage counselor for this afternoon. I told my WAW, I am going to counseling and she is invited to go with me if she would like. I told her that is her choice, but I am going for me. She said she would think about it.
I don't understand the "making it harder" part. I'm not saying it can't/work, because I just don't know. But it does seem like playing games to me, which is almost always destined to fail. Why not tell just tell them that if you're serious, here are my requirements. They either meet them or they don't.
Well here is another way of looking at it, if you have a WAS and they are not making it easy on you, in fact they are playing very hard to get, impossible in some cases, does that make you quit or does that make you work even harder to try and get them back?
Read most of the situations on this forum and this seems to be reality in most cases.
So it's not so much a game but reality, we tend to place higher value on things that are hard to get/acquire.
If you could step outside your house, reach into your flowerbed and scoop up hundreds of perfect 1 carat diamonds, and every one of your neighbors could also do the same thing, do you think diamonds would be that expensive to purchase? No, obviously not.
We attribute the concept of value to everything, some things have little to no value, and some things have very high value.
We pursue what we don't have, we take for granted what we do have.
It's not playing games, it's just human nature - accept this as reality because it is what it is.
