I feel worse, not because of the email. I feel worse because I think I finely just let go and admitted it's over. I've realized that she has rejected me. I see her and I see the old her, not the woman that says she doesn't want to be married to me. I think of her and I think of the old version. I remember and it's the old one.
In the last 24 hours it's hit me that that version is gone and replaced by this new version that doesn't want to be married to me.
That's why I feel worse.
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
Here's my perspective on letting go. If you "Let go" and still obsess, worry, stress, fret, panic, throw up or snoop, you haven't really let go. Letting go will feel almost like indifference; regardless of what she does, you're going to do your own thing, what's best for you and your kids. Sure you'll stress over small details, about custody arrangements and finances, but over losing your W? Nope. Let go.
Here's my perspective on letting go. If you "Let go" and still obsess, worry, stress, fret, panic, throw up or snoop, you haven't really let go. Letting go will feel almost like indifference; regardless of what she does, you're going to do your own thing, what's best for you and your kids. Sure you'll stress over small details, about custody arrangements and finances, but over losing your W? Nope. Let go.
I agree completely with this, but I also know, from my own experience, that you can't tell someone to let go. It has to happen at whatever pace they're capable of. I think it literally has to do with the brain slowly rewiring itself to remove the other person from consideration. It doesn't matter how much the folks here on the board say "let go" over and over, but there are things that can help the process along, particularly no or minimal contact.
Only now, after two years, do I know I've finally let go. My W sent me her proposal for our divorce yesterday, and I had no emotional reaction when I got it, other than contemplating the meaning of some of the financial numbers. Looking back, I now understand what folks here, my friends, and my family all meant when they said I still hadn't let go. Everything I did in the past was in some way a reaction to what she was doing. Not any more. I've finally let go, but I know it could only happen as fast as it did.
XYZ, it's normal to feel the way you feel. Even if you decide to cut off a limb that has gotten gangrene (well, yes, I really had to reach for an analogy, but work with me) that only means you know that the limb is bad for you and you have no future with it. It doesn't mean you won't miss the way it was and regret not having it in the future. Throw in the feelings about your children's new life and the reality of the situation is unpleasant. You will adapt and it will hurt less, but it's a real loss. No one can tell you otherwise. Don't fight it. Adjust to it.
Sandi - Help me. How was she saying goodbye? I just don't see it. Isn't validating what I'm supposed to be? What should I have done differently?
Help, please. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Since you decided to send her that email, guess there's no point in me saying anything. But I will say this much....you didn't say anything "wrong" in the phone conversation. The problem is as old as Adam & Eve. Men and women think differently. Since men don't seem to "get it" about women, that's why women can wrap some of them around the little finger. He's sunk before he even realizes he was anywhere around water!
Don't beat yourself up over the phone conversation. I would say that last email is more important. Now that you have told her that you've set her free......whatcha gonna do? (BTW, don't tell her you've got your ring in your pockett. That's way too weak.)
Don't contact her any more. Do not respond to her when she contacts you. I mean it!
I've got my eye on you and the first time you use some whimpy excuse as to why you responded or contacted.......I'm coming through this computer after you.
Now you've set the two of you free. Start living as if you've dropped the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
