I like symbols and double meanings and resonances. So, this thread thing makes me think of knitting (while heads roll off the guillotine, while Rome burns, while my H becomes a single man...). And I've been cast off, no two ways about it.
I'm alright, with very blue patches. Detaching myself slowly from old habits of devotion.
Dagny, I'm afraid that if I wait 1 year for every four I've been married until I date, I'll be waiting 4 years and six months. That means I'll be 50. I'll never last that long without male company, I'm afraid. It'll take that long to heal up, or even more. I know my H will always have a place in my heart, it'll be a sore place for a very long time. However, although it would be complicated and selfish to rush into a new R now, considering my children, I really feel that finding out if I'm still attractive to some men, feeling like a normal healthy woman again will be a necessary part of the healing process for me.
I haven't completely given up all hope of ever being a wife to my H again. BUT 1) I can't control his deeds, words and least of all his feelings; I don't even know his real feelings, nor does he, I'd say; 2) He's supposedly finished up with the Hairdresser from Hell, but they still see each other regularly through his work (she goes rock climbing, indoors and out, he's the instructor, she's the club secretary...)and it was a grand passion, so I can't really believe that; 3) He told me in August he didn't intend to remain single, he's since said he's meeting lots of new people, I think he's trying to find someone and keeping me on a back-burner just in case. He's quite capable of coming back to me in a year and saying he's met someone and wants to divorce;
He comes around here regularly to work on outbuildings. He was here this morning and ate with us. I stay pleasant and smiley enough but distant.So he now kisses me on the cheek as he arrives and as he leaves. It's a custom here, but he was not like that even recently, or was more frosty and aggressive. I say nothing until he asks me something, volunteer no info, don't phone or text. So he phones and texts, ending with "kisses". So strange. A few months ago, I'd have given my right arm for a "kiss". Now, I couldn't care less, really. He's hurt us too much.
I'm trying to get on with life and become the woman I'd have been if I hadn't ever met him, in some ways at least. The funny thing is, if he ever makes a move back, it'll be just when I won't give a tinker's curse anymore, I can feel it.
I still think all the time about the situation, about what I did wrong, what she did right. But beating myself up won't help. I really did my best and he knows I always loved him, he just shifted perspective at one time and stopped seeing me with loving eyes, became critical and distanced. I'd love him to get back to the way he saw me in the past, but that'll never happen. At best, he MAY start seeing me in a new light some day and want to discover what hes missing.MAY.
In the meantime, I can't see myself living like a nun for a long time. I won't stand it. At the same time, I'm not going to go out looking for someone, just let life take it's course.Virtue need not get too worried: I'm 46, have 3 kids, stretchmaks and laughter lines to prove it.
HIH,and Dagny, I've got in contact with PH through FCBK, but we've not just stayed on DB topics.I joined FCBK to be able to contact friends, I'd be happy to talk but not for it to become DBII.
To the re-see,NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
HIH, no, I use my own real name. I've got in contact with PinHead, am one of his friends. I really hesitate to put my name here, as I understand you do too.I've also sent a message to Dagny. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
I'm okay. In another thread, you wrote that my H seemed childish and lost. That's true. Even I can see immaturity where I didn't before. He's always been very manly, but in an "all action, no words" way. Often only listened to his own needs and hated being crossed. I was able to deal with that for years because he also has good sides, needed me and was loving towards me. And faithful. The affair and his way of dealing with things have really opened my eyes to his lack of maturity and his selfish streak.But Iknow all of these situations are so complex. No-one is getting his side of the story. I was faithful and loving, but maybe he found certain aspects of my personality hard to take too. I don't honestly know if I want him back at present. Or in another form, maybe. I only know I want myself back. I got lost in our R. I bent over backwards to please the un-pleaseable, and lost sight of the person I was. My sister has recently told me she finds that I now resemble the person she once knew whom she thought lost forever. That shocked me. She said I looked younger than I have done for years and have never seemed more relaxed. Said I was always on edge and timourous around my H. I hadn't realized what was happening. My H is not a monster, far from it. But in trying to be what I thought he wanted, I lost him and myself into the bargain. So I'm setting out to find the tracks of the girl I was before this man. I'll feel lonely, I miss him (the good sides), but it'll be worth it if I can feel at ease with myself at 46. Better late than never. So I've already started to change, if my little sister is to be believed. And who knows? Maybe my H will remember why he married me. But he'd better get his skates on... NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Your sister is right! I am reading your last post and it definetly reads like you are detaching more and becoming the NCU that attracted your H. I also agree that we all contributed to the demise of our M's ... unfortunately it takes a crisis like our sitch's the what we are experiencing to appreciate what we lost. All we can do is focus internally, see who we are and what makes us happy and pursue it!
Hi to any who are out there. feeling very blue tonight. No sign of any change in my situation, being without two of my children this week is getting to me and my teaching job is difficult (problem area, problem kids). I don't even have the strength to react as I should in class. Some kids just ignore me, I can keep them back after school, write remarks in their log-books for parents to sign, you name it. It has no effect, so I'm not advancing as I should be. Too much noise and disruptive behaviour. I feel with those teens like with my H: I'm too hesitant, my voice is too soft, they see a weakness and exploit it, ignoring and despising me. It feels somehow that the failure of my M and these difficulties are linked, a symptom of some inability to impose myself in a social situation. Maybe I'm not seeing this properly. Just feels very bleak tonight. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
I read your last post and let me tell you we have all had those days, but they are always followed by better ones. I use the boards to air out my depression, anger, etc. It does really help especially when other chime in with thier perspective. You are getting mentally tougher and you will get through your sitch. I suggest using these boards for support. We are all in our own sitch's, but share a bond and as such want to help others get through their sitch successfully.
