Somehow, DivoreBusting then is not about trying to save marriages?
Originally Posted By: Coach
What you advocate is for better communication and conflict resolution.
Yes, I believe that is the single most important element - and it is the lack of which that causes couples to be in situations requiring DB.
However, just because it is the most important thing does not mean it is the only thing.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Once again the "consequences" are for behavior that cannot be tolerated in a marriage under any circumstances. If you can tell us how to deal with affairs and real abuse without consequences then school us. Offer up a solution. I advocate what I have seen work here and in real life.
The sample I have is a biased one, since it consists of couples that have recognized their desire to somehow make their marriage work, even in the face of affairs. (Abuse is another matter) What I have seen work is both spouses coming to understand their respective responsibilities in the affair(s) and to understand their spouse’s feelings more deeply. A key element is the unfaithful one not only accepting responsibility and expressing remorse, but also understanding at a deep level the impact her/his affair had on their spouse. An even more important element is whether the one who was betrayed can accept responsibility for their contributions to the breakdown in the relationship, and in a similar way understand their spouse’s feelings. The attitude that engenders this is being open to feelings, both in expressing them and more importantly in hearing and validating them in the other.
This is the only approach I have seen that has led to healing a marriage in such circumstances. And, I say my sample is biased because I haven’t seen what happened beforehand, nor have I seen what happens in couples that don’t make it to that point.
You are right in that approach to boundaries I suggest may not get someone’s spouse to end an affair or committing abuse. I don’t think there is any magic bullet that can get another person to change or make the choices we want them to.
Boundaries are a complex area since they deal with what is going on with both people. Likewise, couples in which there is infidelity are rarely a simple matter of one “bad” spouse and one “good” spouse.
