Ouch! Yuck! Suddenly H wants to 'talk/negotiate'. Help! I guess he's getting scared about mediation this friday. I got sucked in! I had to hear how I was the one unwilling to negotiate, how he had "no choice" but to file a custody motion against me and yes, how "I left him" (huh?). I found myself wanting to show him that I am willing to negotiate. I found myself wanting to hope again that "this time" he will listen to me, work something out without the courts. This is what happens when I'm driven by fear - of losing in court, of having a permanently conflicted relationship with my S's father, etc. Yes, I did not stick to my guns.
Why do I have a hard time moving on? Why do I continually give him one more chance to be rational and respectful? Why do I even give the time of day to the man who left our M and is destroying our family? Maybe I though he was scared enough to be reasonable and listen to me for once.
THe problem is I start trying to see things from his perspective and I totally lose sight of what I want, what I think is right, what my feelings are. I start wondering what I have done wrong and try to fix it. I'm such a codependant I make myself sick!
If I were strong I'd tell him to take a flying leap and deal with my lawyers. I just get so confused when I feel lied to and manipulated and shut down and closed out and then....H accuses ME of all these same things!!! I start wondering if it's true. Ugh it's so much easier to be NC.
