Effective DBing/ Feedback and Coaching

[flowmom]

I never joined the debating league, so I don't think I can present my POV without it being picked apart here. I understand ABG's POV though. I really see two things being talked about here:

1. protecting oneself through having healthy boundaries and enforcing them

2. communication, including listening and trying to understand the need underlying the behaviour even if the behaviour transgresses the boundary

Even unacceptable behaviours like having an affair are expressions of unmet needs. If your only goal is to protect yourself, boundary-setting alone is adequate. If your goal is to heal the marriage, it seems to me that looking at and validating the unmet needs can also be an effective approach in addition to setting boundaries. People have affairs because they are feeling unloved, ignored, misunderstood, etc. When a formerly "good" and loving spouse becomes a WAS, it's entirely appropriate to look at the causes of infidelity and other behaviours. If their behaviour is unforgiveable, then there is no point in DBing. If their behaviour is forgiveable, then treat your spouse like a human. Don't condone the behaviour, but recognize that the behaviours are (unhealthy) attempts to meet unmet needs. In a troubled marriage, most people feel like their spouse is a million miles away and could never understand their POV.

If you think your WAS feels misunderstood by you, you can practice some communication skills and try to understand ABG's POV. Listening/understanding is an active process and people really notice when you are making an effort to do it. Good practice