Always and Forever??????

[25yearsmlc]

Irish,

You've raised a lot of issues. Some of this is stuff you've repeated so rather than repeating myself too much, I'd ask that you go re read the posts of mine you said were helpful. They deal with detaching and the fact that you do NOT need to know "why" he is doing any of this, to live your life and move forward.

You may never know why. HE may never know why. So let all that go. (OF course that's easier said than done, but please re-read those earlier posts so you can get past this AND not then go backward quite so much).

As for what to tell others when they ask, IF they ask (many won't) you can say what you're ready to say. For me, what worked best was saying "our marriage is being really challenged right now" and usually that was that & it was easy to move on to the next topic. OR if a divorce had been filed, I'd say "I think we're heading to divorce, it's hard but I'm doing 'ok'". Again, it seems you can move on to another topic soon. MOST People do not want a lot of details although they'll be sympathetic. Depends on where you are.
Sometimes I'd joke and say "we like to live our lives like we're reading a bad Hollywood script and having a MLC" or "we love crisis", etc.

At a party, people want to be happy and so do YOU. WHy bring it down? Also, if you feel pressed or an old friend (not merely an acquaintance and NOT a co-worker please) really wants SOME sort of explanation, be brief, admit that it's hard, but ALWAYS finish upbeat like you know you'll get through it and laugh and love again. Say this type of thing for 3 reasons: First, eventually hearing yourself saying it will someday lead you to believing it. 2nd, your children will hear it and they need that reassurance from YOU.
3rd, other people, including your h, need to hear how well you are doing.

Someone here said something about how the WAS doesn't think or feel or care about their children or their children's lives. How harmful to say! Do NOT mind read or assume your WAS has amnesia. it's unfair, usually inaccurate, totally harmful to your children if they come to believe it, and it's just NOT helpful. Why inflict more pain on yourself or those you love? You don't know what they think or feel. Period.

My h left our home for the better part of 2 YEARS. Turns out, he was very lonely and I didn't know that for a long time. I will probably never know how lonely he was. Nor did he know how rejected I and our children felt. If he did, he'd probably have talked himself out of trying to return b/c he'd have seen the mountain as too high to climb. As my DB coach said, If you want to have a chance to reconcile (& for now let's say you do), then..you have to Keep the Road Home Paved & Smooth.

Children want to believe the best about and forgive their parents as much as possible. In that ONE sense, they probably have an advantage over adults. Let your kids try to love him again, someday.

As a mother, we ache for our children's pain, and God knows when that pain is inflicted by the other parent, it approaches the unforgivable. But that does not help our chlidren.

Irish, you know what you need to do. 2 Steps forward and 1 back. So get back on the horse and take those steps. And when you turn your pain and anger over to God, don't come back the next day and take back the problem. Let God keep it! Remember the 100 days program? Do you need to start over? Come on, now, you can DETACH and use the "Stop" sign and actively work on PMA activities, 180's and GAL stuff for 100 days. 100 days...long enough to possibly see something different, but not so long that it seems forever. And it gets you through the holidays without more tension and whatever you can do for now to lessen tension, to create a sense of being comfortable together, is mandatory. NO matter what! It's a DB piece of advice I'll never forget.

You want the WAS to feel comfortable enough around the family that they don't avoid family time even more than they already are. If you want to retain hope for a recon, you have to make it feasible for your WAS to feel as if they can be in the same room as you. From there, your goal is to build up. Does the WAS "deserve" this? Maybe not. Do you want to punish them? Are you going to be the judge and jury and executioner passing and enforcing sentence upon them for their sins? That sounds like a great start towards reconciliation. iOW, Do you want to be happy, or "right"?

Plus, if you want the WAS to miss you or think they're missing out on a fun life, you have to show them that YOU are fine and that YOUR LIFE is a good one that THEY ARE MISSING OUT ON...and you cannot project this if you cannot handle being around them in public. If there's a b-ball game, I think that's perfect. Bring a friend and watch the game. IF you don't have a friend to attend with, (really??) But if not, bring a camera and film the game. Focus on the GAME your kid is in. It's about your son, not your h, or your pain or feelings of abandonment. Honestly, when you make it about your comfort level, you are not putting your son first.

When my h and I married & planned our wedding, in addition to the regular worries, I had huge anxiety about my mil and fil being together as they had divorced and not seen each other in 5 years. We spent a huge amoung of time figuring out where to seat my mil and how to deal with it in the church, (FIL had remarried). I have to say it bothered me that so much time went into their issues instead of OUR big day. My mil, to her credit, finally said, "I'm not going to ruin or miss out on my son's wedding b/c of HIM" and they each said about one sentence to each other and there was no "scene". They both seemed to have fun that day too. But damn, it did consume too much of our energy. I hope you won't make that type of experience for your sons.
I know you won't. But why not start putting them first, NOW? I know it's hard. But a b-ball game IS manageable. You're stronger than you know.

Next time you begin to assume he's totally happy (e.g., Never rains where he lives and ALWAYS rains where you are), or he ONLY has great sex and it's endless and OW's, if any, LOVE sex all the time, & are brilliant and hilarious ALL the time and are never ill and he's ALWAYS in a good mood too and they both earn high 6 figures and she looks like Angelina Jolie and both of them are always interested in the other's opinions and neither has ever had a temper problem or a bad day and they both love the same music and art and have the same politics and religions and blah blah blah....

Oh and didn't you & your h and family ever have good times? You think he might might have had a FEW good memories together too? You think he forgot ALL of them and will never recall any? Really? There will be a song on the radio or at a party that reminds him of you or a good time and there are literally over a thousand good memories of the kids & family time. Frankly, you underestimate the goodness of your family life. In time those memories will resurface for him. YOU will have already dealt with the loss b/c that's what you are doing now. He hasn't done so, so when it hits him, it'll hit him like a ton of bricks. You'll be farther down the road on your journey though. Start now.

Make sense? Keep keepin' on. You are stronger than you know.