So..........my H is buying a house.

[ericmsant2]

Handling,

WOW – and people talk about the length of my post <smile I am kidding>…

Okay before I go on you may want to sit down….grab a cup of coffee…actually f*ck that grab a glass of wine. Clear your mind…make sure the kids are not around….Now are you ready?

Breath….

First, I know you know that things are going to be OKAY. At least that is what you post BUT what I see in your words is that really YOU do not believe it. Not yet…but you will.

So you acknowledge this

I don't have any control over anyone but myself. How I deal, I know needs work.

This ^^^^ is a good first step. Before I go on I want you to know that I do not give a rats ass about your H. I am more concerned with YOU.

Handling….it appears that you are codependent and have NO sense of self – outside of your kids and your M. Yeah….yeah…you work. But really you are totally codependent on others. I am not trying to hurt you and FTR, I am not a professional…just another codependent myself.

Why do I say your codependent?

Take a look at YOUR words below…

I took on a second job to help with finances and I did anything and everything to make things run smoothly so my H could finish law school.

I gave to him - I helped him with his homework,

I only worked for H.

I gave all of me to raising the kids

I was working with and for my H

Providing and helping others has been my measure of this.

Making others happy has been my primary goal.

I will do anything for anyone if asked.

A codependent fells like this (see below) when they DO all of the above….

but at that point I was very unhappy.

I was unappy and since I was LIVING for our life together, I became more unhappy.

but my attempt to truly let go have failed.

I haven't forgiven myself.

I guess part of me feels that if I let go - I won't be open and willing to accept H if he has the big "awakening" that I have hoped for.

I am very affected, still, by what my H does –

And Because YOU feel the way that you do….you have a hard time with this…

How do I live for ME? That is something I have NEVER done, and it's sad to say that I don't know how to do this.

Handling, my W was the same way…giving of herself to everyone. She had no sense of self, other than being Mrs. Ericmsant2. It is a really bad place to live. The interesting thing is that I was codependent on her BUT I was able to hide mine a little better.

Can you see what I see?

I will have to ponder this. I am not sure that fear is my problem.

The reason why I say that Fear is YOUR issues is because IMO, you are afraid to face your codependency . It is much easier not to. I lived this way for a very long time.

I say you are afraid because if you do face your codependency you would need to fact these feelings:

but it does still truly hurt that I am "not good enough.

am failing at work

because THIS is still not what I WANT.

I don't like being angry about this either.

I don't want to let go.

Codependent’s don’t like to let go. It is scary. To think you really cannot control someone else. What are you going to do? How will you make it (not financially)…how will you make it emotionally.

The fear creeps up…it starts subtle and everytime you look at it…you wanna go running in the opposite direction. Add to this that right now you have an EXCUSE not to look at it. Your H.

Yep – he is the excuse for YOU. Remove him from the equation and you would have to face it and I know just how scary it is.

I hope I am not upsetting you Handling. I am only writing this because I really care about everyone on these boards (okay maybe not everyone but most <insert picture of Eric with a sh!t eating grin>.

Take another sip of the wine Handling…I’m not done yet.

Here are few more Excuses you have at your disposal..

And this isn't just about me – it's for my kids too. but it is still not what I had hoped and EXPECTED for them when I brought them into the world.

Yep…I used my kids too sweetie. I said to myself…they will be impacted, they will suffer, it will be hard for them….this sucks…blah..blah..blah..

It is an excuse. They will suffer IF WE allow them to. They will suffer IF they see US suffer. But see in order to accept that you must learn one big lesson….

You need to learn to LET GO of the things YOU cannot control in YOUR life.

AND YOU know this…wanna know why I say this…(see below)

Re: the kids…..”They are adapting, and dealing with this very well” –

Okay so now for arguments sake….let me assume that you are still reading this and not saying this guy is a total as*. I’ll also assume that you agree with me.

What’s next?

First go pick up a book called codependent no more. A very good read. You may need to read it a few times. I did but then again I may be a little dense (not comment Grit or Alb).

Second,

but technically I'm not divorced.

ACCEPT that emotionally YOUR are divorced. ACCEPT IT! Let it all go. Yeah it sucks it really does and I sit here crying with you Handling. BUT we MUST ACCEPT IT. Let your H go sweetie BECAUSE that is the second step that YOU must take if you accept that you are codependent.

Take another sip of that wine. FTR, I like chardonnay – what about YOU?

Okay…so you may be saying how do I let him go…why do I let him go?

Here are a few reasons:

1) DB101 as it relates to MLCers…let go, gal, and work on YOU.

Reason number 2:

I do not love the person who had the affair. I do not love the person that decided on his own that we could just be DONE. I am not in love with the person that can say he cares for me deeply - but is not in love with me.

Right NOW it appears to me that HE is the person that YOU do not love anymore. Yeah you love the old him and I get that. I love the old W. I really do. Miss her a ton BUT she is not that person RIGHT NOW.

Understand that people fall in and out of love all of the time. It is the codependent that has the most trouble with this because they just can’t let go. They are “CODEPENDANT” on the other person or object for their happiness.

So handling it is OK to not be in love with your H right now. It does not mean that you cannot fall back in love with him in the future. It really does happen BUT honestly, the energy you expand sitting around and just hoping and praying does YOU no good. Then again, until you break the codependency you will not accept this.

Need a few more reason to let go?

Attracted to his independence? No. It pisses me off. It makes me very angry to watch him act as if all of this is normal. It makes me angry to watch him continue to live with the respect and admiration of people who know him - who don't know what our separation is really all about.

That ^^^^ is a shitt* feeling. Why do you want to feel this way? Oh…probably because you are used to it. I know I was. I was used to feeling like chit. I was used to relying on my W for my happiness. It was a way of LIFE. UNTIL…..

I faced that fear. As I have been known to say….”looked that f*cker right in the eye”.

Then…

I began to find ME.

When you FIND YOU handling….all of this gets a little easier…

Does the pain just go away? No – I am not going to blow smoke up your as* - you will still have moment of pain BUT they will be manageable.

Cool thing as you begin to find yourself…you really feel better. You feel sexy, attractive, ALIVE.

I do not want to FAIL. Failure has never been an option in my world and THIS feels like failure.

I could tell you that you are only a failure if you believe you are BUT I’m not gonna say that. You have probably already hear it. No…I will say this to YOU…

YOU WILL FAIL – UNLESS YOU deal with YOUR FEAR.

Cause it will keep you were you are at.

I know in my heart handling…that you can do this. It is fuc*ing hard. Much harder than “standing and watching our spouses” – much harder BUT

The reward sweetie is something that you will cherish for the REST of YOUR life.

AND IF your H awakes….

He will be amazed…to find a women…who is

Confident
Sexy
Strong
Smart
Compassionate
Truthful
Loving
Fun
Alive
Fearless
These ^^^^ are in no particular order.

Finally,

I want you to do me a favor.

Promise YOURSELF that you will pick up the book I suggested.
AND then….

Tuesday and Wednesday mornings I don't have kids.
Monday, Tuesday nights when I don't have kids

Tell me at least TWO things that you would want to do on these days ^^^ for you.

Here are few suggestions….(and I suspect that some people on these boards may get offended by this BUT honestly I don’t give a chit)….

Go by yourself a nice outfit…something really sexy…and GO out with your girlfriends. GO to dinner, go to the movies. Something. Flirt a little…have some fun. Really just get out of the house. Fuc* the lawn (shi* ya can’g take the lawn with ya when your time to me God comes – so really f it).

Start living for YOU handling….

Face those fears

God Bless,
Eric