Darker days ahead

[25yearsmlc]

i'm going to try something in each of these categories.

relax - the massage was my relaxation. i have another one booked next friday.
eat - i'm eating again. my friends took me out for my first shawarma last week. yummm .. they made me order the platter. :P
think - trying not to think too much
It's good to avoid "paralysis by analysis". And my guess based on your posts, is that most of your thinking gets negative when it comes to your h, and the mind reading is also counter productive. So, good for you. Relax, put a "Stop Sign" in front of you next time you find yourself veering off course.

act normal - trying to do this too - slowly getting there.

Not sure what you mean by this. Can you elaborate? What do you do that isn't normal, other than the over thinking? Do you have friends who are "normal" or some examples in your life?

react .. smartly - failed this so far but we'll see.

Meaning what? You want to change behaviors? Do you see how vague this is? It's so vague it's hard to comment upon but perhaps that is a goal of yours. I mean, journalling is fine but if you want feedback, you have to be able to take it, and you have to provide enough specifics that we can offer something of use.

do something different - halloween party tonight night. never been to one, will go. GLad you went. It was different and it didn't kill you. Yay.

emulate - not sure what this means or involves.
Find someone you can use as a mentor and then act more like them in some way you admire or need to do more of. When I was a kid I had to use a character on a TV show b/c I didn't have a role model in real life until I was 14.


do work - if i knew what it was, i'd try it.

The "work"... that's the part of this process that yields real growth and change. That is what this is really ALL about. The part that requires true bravery. The work that means you peel back your layers, like an onion, and look deep inside to fix what needs fixing and to nurture your soul. Underneath all those layers is NOT a monster. The work is where you care for yourself and accept yourself in a way you may never have done before. It's facing yourself in all your glory, warts and all, and still loving you. Seeing yourself through God's eyes, if only for a minute. Staring boldly at what isn't so pretty and working on it AND forgiving yourself for what isn't acceptable, AND changing it.

If forgiveness is foreign to you, or too hard, it will prevent you from looking within - b/c all of us have dark shadows we have to work on AND LET GO OF< but if we're so unforgiving with ourselves (and others) we'll never face the tough stuff. And we'll stay stuck, veering from one black and white view to another.

And letting go of the mistakes we ALL make AND learned from, accepting yourself and others with all their warts and all their glory, and learning about living happily, no matter what curve balls life throws at you.

Often, I notice that When you get "real feedback" you either go into the "I don't deserve to live" mode, which stops anyone from giving you feedback even if it's constructive for fear that you'll crumble, or you deflect by talking about generalizations about men or your mother in law, or some other relatively superficial comment about the M. It keeps you from looking within b/c you submit that it's all your fault, and therefore not worth trying to fix, OR it's MIL, the ex, a man's world, etc.

Your mil had issues for sure. She's a depressing kook. And? I mean, Mine was schizophrenic and violent and I was often the target of her episodes. As you admit, you had good times too and your h won't forget ALL of them. But this isn't a contest of MILs. Just means we deal with it. And after the detailed post you gave regarding what your h would say if he were posting, I still think your mil was relatively small factor b/c you yourself admit you two had issues quite apart from her. Why does this matter?

B/C when you refer to her and her behaviors, you are talking about something you can do nothing about and therefore you avoid "the work". If we are talking about you and h or your M or your behavior, then we're discussing something you CAN affect, but stop short of. Why? I think the real work is what you are avoiding.

You said your m would be different today than before, (but not better). Just words about trust being broken so it's a done deal. We know that. I'm talking about what you've learned about yourself and what you'd change. After all this pain, surely you would be a better w than before. I'd think so, but if so, how? If not, how tragic. Do you see why I say this? Do you discuss this with your IC?


i'm going down the list.

i have a little story to tell.

in my leadership course, one of the instructors usually gives a talk at the end of the class. this week, the talk was about what a smile can do. how a smile can change someone's day.

it reminded me that four months ago, you told me to start smiling and see what affect it has on others. it is true. when i stop smiling, the world stop smiling back. when i smile at others, they smile too and it brings people towards you.

today, someone came into the elevator. <big smile, dumped>. and i engaged in a conversation with him about the weather - it was actually snowing outside!!

Yes. It's also known as "get out of it what you put into it" and saying yes to the universe, and finding that the universe says "yes" right back at you, usually in exponential ways.

i am also beginning to see the stop, drop, and roll analogy. i feel as though you are telling me that i know what the answer to my problem is .. but i keep thinking about it and i don't know what the answer to my problem is.

i need to make a real conscious effort .. not this yo-yo of "oh woe is me" to "i'm gonna make him pay" attitude.

So, I guess, I take it you mean you won't see things so black and white, "all or nothing" anymore? Good. And yes you do have to make a conscious effort at this. None of it happens by accident.

i don't want any of this to have to do with my stbxh though.

Whatever triggers the growth, as long as it's real growth, it's good.

for some reason, i think he's got a PI on me to accumulate evidence that i'm stalking (he's doing it to get a restraining order on me). i am very suspicious wherever i go.

Wow...Without knowing your history enough to know whether this is based on reality or your admitted overly suspicious nature, all I can wonder is if this is going to be helped by you trying to think more "Normally"? It does not sound normal, fyi. Sorry but it doesn't. Why would he think you are stalking him? And even if he gets a restraining order, how would that effect the property division? I don't think it would. Stalking him? Why? B/c you live in the same building? I found it odd, but Did he get a restraining order on you then, or do you simply fear he wants to?

If it's the latter, that's a whole lot of mind reading on your end. Saying you are "very suspicious wherever [you] go" sounds...extreme. And sad. And probably self inflicted. You said You've looked and looked for a "smoking gun" (ie OW) and have found none. Then Why keep looking? I mean What difference does it make now if your divorce can't be based on adultery? Isn't it possible you are looking for a reason NOT to try and reconcile? Just so I know, how'd he break the trust (other than wanting out of the M, b/c there's no OW and no lying that you've discussed here)? Also, You admit you acted as if the M was going to end prematurely, but never addressed whether there was an element of self fulfilling prophecy there, and you say you love him still.


that's also part of the reason why i haven't engaged in any conversation with him. i am actually afraid that he will view any contact that i have as 'stalking'. i need to save the conversation stuff when it is truly needed. otherwise, stay away .. or he'll slap a restraining order on me. pls don't make me do anything that will look like stalking. if i get a restraining order on me .. that's game over. no chance of ever being friends.

Who would "make" you do something that would look like stalking? May I assume something in the past leads you to worry about this that I simply didn't see in the posts, or are you totally over thinking this? "Slapping a restraining order" on you for merely contacting him isn't realistic. Either something is missing from the story, or you are doing some serious negative mind reading. I'd nip that in the bud. Have you tried personal growth OR post divorce workshops? IC is great but it can be fragmented b/c sometimes as you make a breakthrough, you have to go back to work or home, and workshops can be more 'efficient" in that regard. Just a thought. Good luck.