So..........my H is buying a house.

[handlingplanb]

5:00 Wake
Walk Dogs
Unload diswasher/reload
Make lunches for kids/myself
Feed outside dog/cat
Feed inside dogs
Take out trash if needed (Mondays drive trash to end of driveway)
6:00 Sit with coffee
6:15 - 6:30 Wake Girls
6:30 Shower/dress for work
Wake son
7:30 Walk dogs
Anything else that needs to be done: ie. last week it was rounding up boots and gloves for S; needles and buttons for D13; alumninum cans for D17.....

[Tuesday and Wednesday mornings I don't have kids. I fold/put away laundry; iron my clothes for work and/or clean around the house.]

7:45 Leave for work/school
8-4:30 Work
12:00 I run home to walk dog (puppy)
5:00-6:00 Cook/prepare dinner
[Monday, Tuesday nights when I don't have kids - I usually have them until 6 or sometimes I have them until 8 - I either mow (3 acres), do other things around the house, or make the 25 minute drive to the grocery store, or attend a high school sporting event]

6:00 Drive D to play practice, or S to football or basketball practice. If practice is outside sometimes I sit and read or walk puppy on fitness trail - or if I didn't get dinner fixed before, I run home and do that......or any number of other things that come up.

If no practices(which is rare), help kids with homework - other things around house (i.e. take care of hot tub, clean, other maintenance issues).

8:00-9:00 Drive kids home
Finish homework
9:00 Kids get ready for bed
Walk dogs
Feed indoor dogs
Help son feed lizards
Feed turtles
Finish anything else - dishes, pay bills, walk dogs, laundry
10:00 Bed

The play is over and football has ended as of Saturday. There is one more weekend of softball (tournaments start either Friday night or Saturday morning. They consume almost all of Saturday and Sunday.) I will begin practicing with my group of girls 1 or 2 evenings a week. With softball and football over, there will be some time that opens up.

There havent been many weekends with out softball (or D17's band competitions) since March. Those rare weekends allowed me to mow and work in the yard on weekends rather than evenings. I also use those days to clean the house - so since there haven't been many of them the house is a pit at the moment.

It doesn't sound like much when written. I know this is all stuff that everyone else does. I find myself some days having an hour or two with nothing that has to be done and I ENJOY doing nothing since most of my life is busy (all 3 kids play baseball/softball, S plays football/basketball, D's are in plays and band). I read when I have some free moments. When this all began I took up jewelry making and took a stained glass class. I hope to be able to do some more with jewelry when softball ends, and someday hope to finish my stained glass project. I have had a rare evening out with friends, but as I said earlier my friends are married and have busy families as well.

There are a multitude of projects that need to be taken care of around the house. I recently had a laundry list of repairs that needed to be made that I couldn't do (garage door openers,stove element, freezer that quit) and I had all of that scheduled and finally completed. But, there are other things that need to be done and I will hopefully be able to start on that list.

As a side note, I stopped asking my H for help around OUR home a long time ago. It quickly became obvious that he wanted nothing to do with it. I told myself that he didn't want that responsibility - that he was working through his issues, and enjoying being a rentor - and being "free." Now, he is a homeowner and he is taking on all the responsibility that comes with owning a home on his own. So.......either he has worked through is issues, I've been wrong all along about this being an MLC, or he has no idea what he's getting in to....

Maybe this is living for me. I don't know. Maybe I don't know what it looks like, or supposed to look like. How do other people find time to just have fun? To some it seems easy. Maybe I'm just not happy because I still feel what I've lost and am failing at dealing with this on an emotional level.

I don't want to come off as a whiner. I just do a lot, and don't seem to have spare time to just "have fun." In the beginning I would often sit and sob - but that happens rarely now and the reality of all that it takes to care for my home has set in and I work to keep up with it all.

I am still struggling, and don't want to be anymore. I have searched for seminars or retreats to help with divorce recovery -but technically I'm not divorced. I am exploring the option of seeing a life coach. I welcome any ideas or suggestions from those that have found external sources of help. It's obvious that "willing" myself to get over this and move forward is not helping.