Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

We had a fun Halloween weekend. S dressed up as a little sailor boy and I was a sailor mom. We were quite the team! We even won our church costume contest! So on Saturday night we went to his school’s Halloween festival and on Sunday we went to our church Halloween festival and then over to the inlaws for the family party and trick or treating. So super busy but a lot of fun. S finally understands the idea of trick or treating, so had a blast! He kept asking for candy. I gave him some, but tried not to overdo it. This was his first experience was candy, so he is definitely a fan now. (but as they say, you don’t have to train a kid to like sugar).

Things with H have been about the same. (but I can’t totally complain b/c at least they are not back sliding again) We were talking about doing something together on Thursday night, but we both got really sick last week (I think we got the same thing from S who was sick last weekend), and my throat was so sore & swollen that I could hardly swallow. He still wanted to see me, so since we were feeling a little better, he came over on Friday night and stayed over so he could see S in the morning before work. He pretty much worked the whole weekend with all the Halloween crowds. He has continued to invite me and include me in on things. On Thursday, he wanted my opinion on paint colors for the new place, so I went over there and helped on that. On Saturday, he asked if S and I would come over to the new place, so he could show S all the new lights he put up (dance floor lights). It was before people got there, so S had fun playing and running around the dance floor. Then I guess last night for Halloween, H went to his parents to see us before he worked, but for some reason he didn’t tell me, so I was at the church festival and completely missed him. It was too bad that he didn’t even get to see S in his costume tho. =/

For me, I’ve just had tons on my mind. Our two years of separation anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks (and a year ago when H went with OW2 to Vegas), so obviously that is all starting to weigh heavily. I’ve been having very conflicting feelings. On one hand, I think about how far we’ve come, but wonder how we can get across the finish line. He has met all of my goals (asking about me; initiating outings with just me, and initiating outings with S and I) and has continued to pursue an R with me, so I don’t know where my goals can go from here besides the final, going to counseling and getting back together. I worry too about finding the right marriage counselor. The right one can save your marriage but the wrong one can destroy it. I’ve read Michele’s article on that, but you still never know for sure who you are getting (and unfortunately, DB coaches are not an option b/c H is not a phone guy…hmm, maybe they can start text coach. Haha, j/k). So, I just don’t know what technique to use to get him to the next step. And I know too that I want him to choose me not choose just not to loose me. (meaning him feeling like yes, I want to do want it takes to make this M work w/ you, not, ok, you’re giving me the ultimatum, so I’ll do just enough not too lose you. The first has long term potential b/c he would see the value in us, while the 2nd is just barely maintaining.) This is the part of my brain though that is thinking about the future. The other half is still stuck in the past. I’ve been thinking about the OW’s and how I still feel unresolved with OW3. I believe she is out of the picture, but I don’t know that for 100%. H did not handle that well by avoiding it and has left me with unsettled feelings still. Because H came clean about OW1 and OW2, I was able to process the feelings, understand the reasons for the EAs (and therefore hopefully avoid them in the future), and forgive. I still don’t understand anything about OW3, especially at a time when I thought H and I were really bonding after his surgery. The holiday’s are approaching fast as well and I just don’t want to go thru the facade again. Are we going to be a real family or not?! So, I definitely see a lot of potential in us still, but the amount of work left is still daunting. Even if he finally chooses us, the amount of issues to deal with thru counseling seem huge (especially for me as I feel like a lot of my emotions have had to be pushed aside, since the focus has been getting H “better”). So I don’t know, just tons going on in my mind. There’s been so much that I can even remember it all now, but you get the idea. I think it’s been setting in more too b/c S has started saying sentences this week (so cute!) and it’s just one more thing H is missing. I know it’s not my problem what he is missing, but it’s still sad.

Well, this looks to be another busy week. Monthly report prep starts this week at work!