My W continues to be adamant ("when we're D", "After the D", etc) about D and I know I need to believe nothing the says, I just wonder if that will change slowly or continue right up to the last minute.
You're still headed toward divorce. A reversal, if it comes, will probably seem quite sudden to you... probably because you have basically accepted the divorce and are focusing on your own life.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
One more question: W seems really intent on me dating. She's made comments about how she doesn't care if I do (but I care!) and at the wedding I'm going to, how I should find some "hottie" to dance and hang out with and then last night she mentions again me dating.
I'm nowhere near ready for that (and she claims to not be either), but why does she keep saying that to me? What's the psychology there?
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
You're still headed toward divorce. A reversal, if it comes, will probably seem quite sudden to you... probably because you have basically accepted the divorce and are focusing on your own life.
Is it true that she will keep saying these things even once she starts to question in her own mind? I know it's mind reading, but I really can't see how it's possible that she's not at least having doubts...
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
I'm nowhere near ready for that (and she claims to not be either), but why does she keep saying that to me? What's the psychology there?
Who knows?
She could be thinking of dating herself (I'd be suprised if this isn't the case since she has moved out, etc). She could be temperature checking you to see if Plan B is still available.
I don't know. I'd not entertain this stuff: "Listen, I appreciate your concern, but I'm not going to take dating advice from my wife or ex-wife because that's just wrong. We're not buddies, and that's that".
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Also, I really want to thank everyone on here. This board is and has been a God send. I would be so much worse off without this outlet and help from all of you.
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
Yesterday was a good day. Today is one of those where I think my heart will jump out of my chest and I can't catch my breath. Oh God, how did I get here? And how do I get out of here? I love my wife so much.
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
After the long conversation on the phone, you feel good about it and sleep like a baby. Why? Why did you feel good about it?
Then the next day it is not what you were expecting.
Quote:
First, she called me about some scheduling items. I reminded her that she agreed to go to my counseling session next week. She said "ok, but you seem to be pretty good with closure do we still need to do that?" I said "yes please"
The two of you were seeing that sweet phone conversation the other night with different viewpoints. You, for some reason, saw it as a move in the right direction. That's why you could go to sleep. You took it as encouraging. (That is why so many women will start acting cold b/c the man goes crazy at the first tiny sign of R.)
Your W did not see that conversation anything like you did. She saw it as closure. Could you not see her saying goodbye throughout the conversation? It ended on a good note for her, and you were being sweet valadating. She went to bed with maybe some bitter-sweet memories.....but you helped lighten her guilt.
Go back and read that again and try to see it from her POV. That is why she reacted to the C session. She thought the two of you had said your final goodbye.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - Help me. How was she saying goodbye? I just don't see it. Isn't validating what I'm supposed to be? What should I have done differently?
Help, please. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
You did the right thing, but you had the wrong expectations. Then, you pressed the counseling thing which was a reversal. (The wrong thing) If you pull, they pull away harder. If you let go, they don't have to pull away so hard which ULTIMATELY may be to your advantage. That doesn't mean that if you validate she's going to do an immediate 180, though.
Tank, she didn't come to this overnight and she's not likely to reverse any time soon. This is a "long haul" process with no guarantees that you will be successful. That's why GALing and moving on is the best idea. It prepares you for a future without her and gives her an opportunity to look at the R in a more objective manner since she can stop trying to convince you (and reinforcing in herself) that the R is over.
