So..........my H is buying a house.

[handlingplanb]

I hate to leave things unfinished and am failing at work.....

I am not divorced, because I won't file

Separate divorce and filing from YOUR happiness. You know you really can be happy and still physically separated. You really can have a life and be divorced.

I know this too. For the most part my days are happy. I am fine - most of the time. I am very affected, still, by what my H does - because THIS is still not what I WANT. And this isn't just about me - it's for my kids too. They are adapting, and dealing with this very well - but it is still not what I had hoped and EXPECTED for them when I brought them into the world.

You appear to be “waiting”, which I understand BUT also appear to be waiting and standing still.

I guess, I've equated standing with waiting - but I KNOW I am not supposed to be standing still. I admit this is a huge struggle for me.

It looks like you still react to things your H does or does not do. As opposed to sitting down and figuring out what it is that you really want to do for you. Maybe Handling your afraid to let go. Maybe Handling your afraid to file. Mabye your afraid of Handing. That’s right your afraid of yourself. The longer you wait to start your life the more COMFORTABLE in misery and sadness you become. Why would you allow this? Com’on girl…seriously, why?

I don't want to let go. I guess part of me feels that if I let go - I won't be open and willing to accept H if he has the big "awakening" that I have hoped for.

I am not miserable and sad - first, I don't have time for that. I have moments by myself that I break down, but from the outside looking in, you would not know that. I save that for here.

Do I pull the switch to set myself free? Is that the only way I can really cut the ties and live for ME? Today, I can't.

Do you really think that a piece of paper is going to set you free? Your marriage right now is a legal document – that’s it. Emotionally he is gone. Physically he is gone. Does that mean that you cannot reconcile?

I was thinking on paper - if I were to do the work and move forward with the divorce myself (as my H has asked)would this allow me to let go? I don't think so. At this point all that is lacking is paper, and I haven't been able to.

NO. But ask yourself this question..

Why are you still attracted to YOUR H?

This is a hard one, because at this point I love the person I know my H to be down to his soul. I do not love the person who had the affair. I do not love the person that decided on his own that we could just be DONE. I am not in love with the person that can say he cares for me deeply - but is not in love with me. I look at him and for the most part he looks to be the same person that I vowed to stand by until death - but accepting that he doesn't want me anymore has been impossible - accepting that love is not forever - when I feel like mine is, is impossible. Accepting that this is all OK with him - knowing who he is is impossible to accept.

IMO, you are attracted to his independence. You are attracted to the life that he is living for himself. You are probably jealous BUT really you have nothing to be jealous about. Cause honestly you are holding yourself back.

Attracted to his independence? No. It pisses me off. It makes me very angry to watch him act as if all of this is normal. It makes me angry to watch him continue to live with the respect and admiration of people who know him - who don't know what our separation is really all about.

The world does not know about his A. Our community is too small to risk letting our kids find out. But even saying this - I don't want them to know, but at times it is very very hard to watch them look up to him the way they do knowing what he has done. I feel horrible for thinking this, but this is how I feel.

I'm not attracted to his independence - but angry because I feel like I take on additional responsibility to allow him to be more independent - and writing this makes a lightbulb go off in my head.

I also got angry when I learned that the house he bought came partially furnished - and everything has been taken care of so he could just move in - it pisses me off that it can be "easy" for him - and I don't like being angry about this either.

Why is it taking me so fu*$ing long to get this?

In one word – FEAR.

Handling what I wish I could MAKE YOU SEE is that if you face the fear. If you face your demons. IF you take a step out of the life of sadness and misery that everything will look differently.

I will have to ponder this. I am not sure that fear is my problem.

It's not my dream job (but don't know what that would be)

Maybe you need to find out what your dream job is. Once again…sometime ya have to say f*ck it and just go with your gut…take a chance. Find out what you really want to do and then head down full steam ahead to try and find it.

For years I thought I had my dream job. Raising my kids, working beside H - and very successfully (I thought). I never thought I would need more.

I feel like a failure.

Because you think that YOU were the cause of his crisis. Because you think that YOU could control someone else.

You’re a failure IF you allow yourself to be. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Do you think that all of these people are failures? I can tell you fuc* no…they are not. I am not. You are not. Define what is a failure to you.

I am not happy with being a statistic. Failure is unacceptable to me - so feeling this way, and believing it on many levels has me stuck here. I do not want to FAIL. Failure has never been an option in my world and THIS feels like failure.

I've failed my marriage.

Stop thinking like this. Ya know I’m not gonna try and tell you that you didn’t fail in your M. Fuc* it I’ll agree. Does your failed M define YOU? No it doesn’t. Learn to bounce back from failures. Do you know what a failure implies? It implies that YOU took a chance and tried something, which is a sign of strength. That’s right you tried something. Think about it…is it easier to try something..take a chance or is it easier to run…and never try anything? I think you know the answer to this.

Marriage to the man I loved never felt like taking a chance, but I get what you are saying.

I've failed my kids by failing my marriage.

Bullchit! You fail your kids when YOU do not focus on YOUR happiness. Do you think your kids want to see you moping around the house, crying, depressed. NO. Your M has NOTHING to do with your kids. You did not fail them.

My kids don't see moping and crying (much). They see a mother who has taken on everything and does everything without help from anyone (for the most aprt). They see a mother re-venting the dryer at midnight. They see a mother re-plumbing the bathrrom sink, or installing new switches. They see a mother that does it all for them - and more. AND yes, I know they need to see a happy mother - because the more I analyze my situation, I accept that a lot of my problems can be explained by how I saw my mother. I see what she LIVED for, and tried to model my life after her - but I don't believe she was happy. I don't believe she is happy. AND I don't want that for my kids.

I know I need help. I don't know where to turn.

I have wonderful friends that are very much involved with their families and kids. I have no friends that are divorced. I fill like an alien - like I don't belong because I have been rejected by the man I've loved for 30 years.

First off, you are living in a victim mentality right now. ONLY YOU can pull yourself out of it. I suggest that you consider going on some anti depressants. That’s not a knock on you..no…sometime we all need a little help. I went on some meds right after the bomb to help me sleep and just relax my butt. So please look into this.

I went the anti-depressant route in the beginning of this. I'm past that. The moments I have - like I had Saturday morning are few and far between these days - but when they happen they hit hard because I DO NOT WANT to feel this way ever - and 3 years in to this I THINK I should be done with moments like that.

So you have no friends divorced…go find some. Join a singles group, join a church group. Get out of the house.

This I need to work on. I have been looking, but it needs to be a priority. One more week of Softball for D13 and I will have some spare time (I hope.).

Do me a favor….

Post what your day is like…what time do you wake up, what do you do, what days do you NOT have the kids. Then post what things you like to do. Just three things…just three.

Okay?

I'll do this in another post- but it might scare you........

Hang in there Handling….hang in there and do me one other favor…

Tomorrow…wake up and say “fuc* it – today I will be happy”….

Cause tomorrow…although my W is still having her affair….I will wake up in the morning and do the same…”fuc* it tomorrow I will have a good day” – why? Cause I CHOOSE TO.

God Bless,
Eric

Thanks, Eric. I did. I hope that doing this every morning will help.

I'm feeling better today. I'm doing my best not to let the down times last as long - I just want to stop having them.