So..........my H is buying a house.

[handlingplanb]

There's a lot to respond to here....and THANK YOU for your reply. I want to respond to it all, so here goes.....

The peace that you refer to comes with the acceptance that one will be okay. It also comes when your realize that you have no control over any other person. You really only have control over yourself and HOW you CHOOSE the deal with the cards that one is dealt.

I think I get this. I know I will be ok. I've been ok on my own for quite some time now. I know I don't have any control over anyone but myself. How I deal, I know needs work.

I want to LIVE for myself.

So really what the hell is stopping you? I mean really? Is it fear? Is it finances? Is it the kids? What is it?

I really have no idea what this means. How do I live for ME? That is something I have NEVER done, and it's sad to say that I don't know how to do this. AND my life and what I do on a daily basis is pretty much full - doing for others, and my kids - primarily my kids, and I don't know what I am supposed to do for ME.

My mother was sick a lot when I was in High School. I began caring for things around the house, and being responsible for more than most at that age. I became involved in the relationship with my H at the same time, and what I wasn't giving at home, I gave to him - I helped him with his homework, and I lived for time with him.

When we were married I was finishing up my college degree. He worked at a job that required travelling out of town 3 nights a week and I had extra responsiblilty at home after school.

When I graduated and got a job, my H went to law school. I took on a second job to help with finances and I did anything and everything to make things run smoothly so my H could finish law school.

When we had our first child I knew that was my new primiary responsiblility and I gave all of me to raising the kids. My H's law practice was progressing and after child #2 I was able to stay at home with the kids. I started a business out of the home and worked for other attorneys in our area for a few years, but after child #3 was born I only worked for H.

I worked for H and felt good about the work I was doing. I knew that I was provding help that not many people could and I was working with and for my H - helping to continue to build the law practice - what I thought was OURS.

Maybe I should have known something was up when my H no longer needed my help at the office, but at that point I was very unhappy. I had just lost my father to a long illness and it was beginning to hit me then that I didn't have happiness within myself. My H was pulling away, I was unappy and since I was LIVING for our life together, I became more unappy.

Then comes my accusation that he was having an A. Denial. And then a year and a half of me grabbing at straws trying to figure out why my M was still struggling - and then blaming myself because I had ACCUSED my H of something he could NEVER do.

When I learned that my suspicion was correct all along and to him our M was over, I thought I was going to die. I wished that I was dead. I went to him with what I knew. His response was silence. After time passed he sent an e-mail asking for divorce.

I made it very clear that I could forgive him for the A. I began to DB. I've worked on myself and how I deal with things, but my attempt to truly let go have failed.

I know this is no one's fault by my own - that I never learned how to live for me and make myself happy, but I really feel like I don't know how.

I look back at all of the mistakes and I wonder, if I hadn't made them would I be here???

This ^^^^ tells me that you STILL have not FORGIVEN yourself. Yeah…you may have moments where you feel like you have but I do not think you really have. FTR, I still struggle with this myself.

I haven't forgiven myself. That is true.

IMO, you must really acknowledge your mistakes and then accept the fact that you, I, no one can go back in time. You really did the best you could have with what you kNEW at the time. Now that you know better you really will do better. Your not perfect Handling, no one is. Perfect is God’s job. Your job Handling is to be the best person you can and also become a happy person.

I work and have always worked to be the best person I can be. Providing and helping others has been my measure of this. Making others happy has been my primary goal. I do feel like I am a good person, but it does still truly hurt that I am "not good enough.

I'm going to stop here and finish later..........time to get some work done.