Yes, Saffie, I totally agree, the OW is a symptom. The hard part is showing him I want him now... I think that will just push him away since I think he is in an A. That is a hard balance at this point I guess.
I think if I would have figured it out sooner and changed before we separated it would have made a huge difference. While I continue to make changes for me, now he seems fully committed to a D and being with whoever it is he is with right now.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Congrats on connecting with your brother. I am happy for you! I hope you can keep talking with him. It is easy when going through this kind of stuff to lose focus on everyone but your spouse. Hope this goes well, for both you and your brother.
On the email, I doubt from your posts that your H would say anything either, but they can and often do pull back by simply withdrawing and saying nothing for a while. He may be hunting for dirt, or he may just be snooping. Just because he says he doesn't feel attached to you.
I did have one thought this morning about how you could use your email to DB your H. What if instead of a fictional love intrest, you had a fictional 'life coach' emailing you? If you have a friend who could help you do this, great. If not, just be your own coach. You could talk about getting a life, detatching in healthy and loving ways from 'people' who hurt you, how you are taking care of yourself, maybe even get general advice on why starting a relationship while in crisis is not a good idea (maybe H will take a hint), get encouragment and inspiration, the list goes on and on.
If you did this, I would be careful to keep it focused on YOU, not your relationship. Also, keep it positive and a little more business like.
If you do continue to allow H access to your email, be very careful what you write to anyone. I don't know the laws where you are at, si I don't know if it would effect things if H files for a D. He may try to use anything he finds there against you. You may want to set up a seperate account to deal with any legal or other sensative issues that come up. Just in case.
It is a no-fault state. I am very careful about everything in my e-mail account. I didn't really mean having a relationship with a fictional OM, but just one that was showing interest in me... But everyone here is right, it is just a game and probably something I should avoid.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
In my opinion, the best thing the email could do is to show how far you have come and how far you have moved on...but again you never know.
If H is truly on the fence, reality that you have dropped could hit him. If H is still deep in his fantasy world/La La Land, it could be a relief to him and make him move even faster away. That's the thing...when the Spouse isn't talking to you and even if they are, if you don't know if it is lies coming from their mouth, it is a waste of time to try to figure out how they will react. That being said, I was one of the worst at following that advice. But now that W and I are talking about the past and I'm learning of all the lies...even ones that I thought weren't lies...what a waste of my time. So I'm hoping others can learn from my mistakes now that I am (painfully) learning a lot of what really was happeneing...
Keep treating him like a colleague/acquaintance, nothing more. (a) it helps you detach and (b) shows him reality of the future he is choosing
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks for weighing in GW... I was worried the goblins had gotten you That was my point of letting him look in my e-mail if he wants to, lots of correspondence with my family and now the church I have joined... none of the e-mails have to do with him. These 2 things alone are the biggest 180 I could do...
Mind reading doesn't work, huh? I will just have to continue to improve myself and lets the cards fall...
I just left my lawyer's office. He is awesome. Very well thought of in the law community... but warned me that some people view him as aggressive so when H's lawyer realizes he is my lawyer, bombs could go off. He listened to a brief description of my story. I told him I would like to drag my feet a little because of what is going on in my residency and to give him a little more time, but that he and his lawyer can't know I am doing this. He says this will not be a problem... he is quite skilled at this and the judge assigned to the case is known for taking his sweet time. I really trust this guy but I know to be very careful doing this... it could backfire... then again, he has already filed, I am nearing the end.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Great news on the L. Smart on your part. Find the best.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Hi GW, I was rereading your post on trying to figure out how he will react. I think your words must be very, very true... stop trying to figure out how he will respond as it is a huge waste of time...
Hard to do but will try to employee the best I can.
Zen, I think for now I will set up another account to correspond with the L. I can always change my password. In the meantime, I have been GALing my butt off and it is easily seen in my e-mail. I know it was torture for me to see his e-mails... for now I would like to think (positively?) that it may have the same influence on him. Lots of e-mails to jobs in this country and another... moving on is apparent there.
I can't help thinking about him very frequently still, but it is getting easier. I am sure this sounds pretty stupid but I really do think God has a plan for me. It may be to go through the enormous pain of R or it may be to improve myself, my relationship with Him, my family and move onto someone that wants to work on them self and a M as much as I do...
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Everything happens for a reason and God has a plan...and many times it is painful in the short term...
I think it's true, not pretty stupid
And it is a great perspective to have and employ
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Just journaling... Last night I read a lot of posts on here. I got a little freaked out about the ones regarding exposing as soon as possible and telling the FIL, MIL etc. because the sooner it is exposed the better. I have been wanting for some time to write his parents a letter just to thank them for everything. They really made a huge impact on my life and I truly love them. They haven't had the easiest M either. I didn't plan on putting any focus on H. I know it would crush his mom as she went through a similar thing with his dad but they are also a Latin family. They are very protective of one another. After reading the other posts, I still don't think it would be wise for me to put anything in there about H. He would deny it to them anyway and being in two different countries, us speaking different languages... who are they going to believe? My worry about the letter would be that it would be seen as pursuing so I haven't done it yet.
It is my day off today and I am having a hard time thinking of something other than the A. Whether it is with who I think it is or someone else. Whether there is anything in this world that would bring him out of it so he could see what he is throwing away. I had so many nightmares last night about the two of the running away together. It was awful.
So, obviously I need to come up with a plan to get rid of this line of thinking. I found a couple more books I would like to read so I think I will go get them. I may also do a little shopping... if I can get my thoughts under control, I need to work on my presentation and read a little.
Hope you are all having a good day.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
That was my point of letting him look in my e-mail if he wants to, lots of correspondence with my family and now the church I have joined... none of the e-mails have to do with him. These 2 things alone are the biggest 180 I could do...