Asked H to call me this morning because he sent me a late email about days he planned to have D3. It was confusing and I was tired when I originally read it late last night, but it looked like he wanted to take D# from Tuesday night till Saturday morning. He must have been tired too, because he was actually planning on only half the overnights he had written. If I had called him last night it would have been a fight. When he called this morning it went well. H sounded in a good mood. I told him I had fun last night and he said that he did too.
My next item on the agenda is to batten down the hatches and make a plan for my birthday. H is taking D3 & I to dinner and making a cake. I usually made my own cake, or just went without. H hasn't made me a b-day cake in years.
Earlier this week I had posted some pics of H & D3 carving pumpkins on my facebook page. This was done with his permission, but shortly after H removed his home city & “married” from his FB page. Thought a while about what onyourside2 said on my old thread in ‘affairs’ about the pics were a way of pursuing H. I hadn't even thought of the FB pumpkin pics that way, more as a way to upset OW. Just in case, I'll leave him out when I post the trick-r-treat pics from last night.
I was planning to ask H over for dinner Friday, but I am also rethinking, because I am working hard not to start to chase again. I may just concentrate on seeing the family on my own and wait for H to make the next contact.
I also think that the more time I spend DBing the extended family, the less comfortable he will feel introducing OW to them or spending time with her. I think my disappearing from the extended family let him think he could make it seem like I had abandoned them instead of like he was replacing me. No reason for me to make any of this easy for him. It is his mess and he will have to clean it up eventually.
I have a lot to do right now to take care of myself, and my DBing job is bigger now. I have a whole family to DB!
I am tired, sad, and not really in any 'mood' to DB through my own birthday today. I have concerns about my D3's exposure to OW that I haven't even started to work though. I am not sure how I will deal with this one, but I will wait to start making a plan till tomorrow. I also have an unreasonable (or should I say reasonable) fear that H is doing this out of guilt for something he has done, is doing, or (even worse) is about to do.
I am worn out and feeling beat up by all of this. Considering pulling back after the birthday for a while. Not as a strategy, just as some self care. I need to concentrate for a while on my worst case preparations and on caring for my D3. She is acting out more and more. I may call the case worker who was helping with our foster parent application to see what she suggests for me to do for D3. She is great and may have some ideas for helping her.
Guess all this means is that it is time to pull my self up by the bootstraps as they say.
My plan for tonight's dinner with H & D3 is prety basic.
1. I will try to just enjoy having all of us together.
2. No 'talking' from me. I'm tired, and just won't be able to pull it off.
3. If H starts, to talk, I will just listen.
4. Smile and say thank you. H is putting more effort into this b-day for me than he has in a long time.
5. Act 'as if' I knew H had no ulterior motives. And to be honest, I don't know of any.
Yes I did. I think the cake is cute too. Just got a call from H & D3. Said they are making me a vanilla cake with chocolate icing and raspberries on top. Mmmmm...
