Any thoughts?

[bustorama]

So, I decide to call W tonight just to talk and see how her and D3 are doing

Call D3, YES. Call W, NO.

She seemed agitated so I asked her why she seems so angry.

How'd this turn out for you?

She said b/c she always feels she has to defend herself. I told her she doesn't have to defend herself and that this is just her choice - tried to alleviate any bad feeling for her.

She is responsible for her feelings not you. Don't try to alleviate/fix them. Don't tell her what she does or doesn't have to do ("defend herself") -- controlling and in and of itself will put her on defensive, especially since you are disagreeing with her view of the situation. Better is to validate her feelings straight out -- I'm sorry you feel you have to defend yourself (or I'm sorry you feel that way). PERIOD. (And if there is anything you did to put her on defense, own it, and say you are absolutely right, I see why you feel you have to defend yourself. If NOT, then leave it as I'm sorry you feel you have to defend yourself.).

You might be right that she does in fact feel guilt and on defensive from her perceptions of how other people are viewing sitch. While you may see the views of those people are justified, she does not and that is what is giving rise to her feelings which are very real and which are influencing her decisions about you and are the sitch. It is self-defeating to try to reason against them. You either don't address them (e.g., nodding) or you validate her feelings.

Hang in there, KEM!