So..........my H is buying a house.

[ericmsant2]

Handling,

Your post really touched me and I really feel for you. I want to respond to the following…

I read the posts by missherlove, ericsmant and PeiMom.....AND many other very very very inspirational people who have found the peace that is on the other side of the pain.

This quote really stood out for me. I do not want to speak for PEI or Missher but I think as it relates to the “peace” that you refer to….all of us still have our days. None of this is really easy. Do not kid yourself. This takes time. It really is a rollercoaster ride. You have good day…and you have bad days.

The peace that you refer to comes with the acceptance that one will be okay. It also comes when your realize that you have no control over any other person. You really only have control over yourself and HOW you CHOOSE the deal with the cards that one is dealt.

I want to LIVE for myself.

So really what the hell is stopping you? I mean really? Is it fear? Is it finances? Is it the kids? What is it?

I look back at all of the mistakes and I wonder, if I hadn't made them would I be here???

This ^^^^ tells me that you STILL have not FORGIVEN yourself. Yeah…you may have moments where you feel like you have but I do not think you really have. FTR, I still struggle with this myself.

IMO, you must really acknowledge your mistakes and then accept the fact that you, I, no one can go back in time. You really did the best you could have with what you kNEW at the time. Now that you know better you really will do better. Your not perfect Handling, no one is. Perfect is God’s job. Your job Handling is to be the best person you can and also become a happy person.

I am not divorced, because I won't file

Separate divorce and filing from YOUR happiness. You know you really can be happy and still physically separated. You really can have a life and be divorced.

You appear to be “waiting”, which I understand BUT also appear to be waiting and standing still. It looks like you still react to things your H does or does not do. As opposed to sitting down and figuring out what it is that you really want to do for you. Maybe Handling your afraid to let go. Maybe Handling your afraid to file. Mabye your afraid of Handing. That’s right your afraid of yourself. The longer you wait to start your life the more COMFORTABLE in misery and sadness you become. Why would you allow this? Com’on girl…seriously, why?

Do I pull the switch to set myself free? Is that the only way I can really cut the ties and live for ME? Today, I can't.

Do you really think that a piece of paper is going to set you free? Your marriage right now is a legal document – that’s it. Emotionally he is gone. Physically he is gone. Does that mean that you cannot reconcile? NO. But ask yourself this question..

Why are you still attracted to YOUR H?

IMO, you are attracted to his independence. You are attracted to the life that he is living for himself. You are probably jealous BUT really you have nothing to be jealous about. Cause honestly you are holding yourself back.

Why is it taking me so fu*$ing long to get this?

In one word – FEAR.

Handling what I wish I could MAKE YOU SEE is that if you face the fear. If you face your demons. IF you take a step out of the life of sadness and misery that everything will look differently.

It's not my dream job (but don't know what that would be)

Maybe you need to find out what your dream job is. Once again…sometime ya have to say f*ck it and just go with your gut…take a chance. Find out what you really want to do and then head down full steam ahead to try and find it.

I feel like a failure.

Because you think that YOU were the cause of his crisis. Because you think that YOU could control someone else.

You’re a failure IF you allow yourself to be. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Do you think that all of these people are failures? I can tell you fuc* no…they are not. I am not. You are not. Define what is a failure to you.

I've failed my marriage.

Stop thinking like this. Ya know I’m not gonna try and tell you that you didn’t fail in your M. Fuc* it I’ll agree. Does your failed M define YOU? No it doesn’t. Learn to bounce back from failures. Do you know what a failure implies? It implies that YOU took a chance and tried something, which is a sign of strength. That’s right you tried something. Think about it…is it easier to try something..take a chance or is it easier to run…and never try anything? I think you know the answer to this.

I've failed my kids by failing my marriage.

Bullchit! You fail your kids when YOU do not focus on YOUR happiness. Do you think your kids want to see you moping around the house, crying, depressed. NO. Your M has NOTHING to do with your kids. You did not fail them.

I know I need help. I don't know where to turn.

I have wonderful friends that are very much involved with their families and kids. I have no friends that are divorced. I fill like an alien - like I don't belong because I have been rejected by the man I've loved for 30 years.

First off, you are living in a victim mentality right now. ONLY YOU can pull yourself out of it. I suggest that you consider going on some anti depressants. That’s not a knock on you..no…sometime we all need a little help. I went on some meds right after the bomb to help me sleep and just relax my butt. So please look into this.

So you have no friends divorced…go find some. Join a singles group, join a church group. Get out of the house.

Do me a favor….

Post what your day is like…what time do you wake up, what do you do, what days do you NOT have the kids. Then post what things you like to do. Just three things…just three.

Okay?

Hang in there Handling….hang in there and do me one other favor…

Tomorrow…wake up and say “fuc* it – today I will be happy”….

Cause tomorrow…although my W is still having her affair….I will wake up in the morning and do the same…”fuc* it tomorrow I will have a good day” – why? Cause I CHOOSE TO.

God Bless,
Eric